My windows, lacking of screen
but not of dust, unable to decipher
beyond their paint chipped panes.
My bony fingers, shriveled like a prune,
reached beyond my apathy, and read like braille
the dirt and dust of my life.
Surely an inheritance of my mother and for
the first time I felt a connection to her genius.
No longer ambivalent, I am now certain that my
masochistic ways are my fathers blame.
Feeling ebullient of this sudden recognition,
and shamed of my diatribe attack,
an apology was now in order.
The timeless, cosmos state, no longer my imagination,
for the happenings of my father were real.
Self dissection revealed a teratoma pie, perfectly
divided with equal parts of both she and I.
I reveled in progression made, as I hastily
cleaned up in the after-math of my self-made
massacre. My bony fingers, now cinched tightly
to new found respect for my mother.
A contest entry
- The Word Bank from "H" "E" Double Hockey Sticks by Abby Apathy..
15750 points, ended January 27, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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...now in order. The timeless, cosmos state, no longer my imagination, for the happenings of my...
i think this line is a bit long, and could be split up. perhaps this:
and shamed of my diatribe attack, an apology was now in order.
The timeless, cosmos state, no longer my imagination,
for the happenings of my father were real.
aside from that, i found nothing that i could suggest change for. i too really like your style, and the images that cross my mind as i read this. it is delicate, in a way, but concrete in its structure.
anyway. enough of my rambling. well done here and best of luck in our contest.
Abby -
This is such a good piece of self-reflection. It sounds so personal and from the soul. Lines 4-6 especially create such a mood for the reader- I love how you used "braille".
Best wishes in this contest!
~Cordelia -
good
Very well put with easy flow rhythm and impeccable imagery. The rhythm and story line are perfect and flow with a defeated beat. It says a lot instilling deep thought! I had to read this piece several times to try and grasp the imagery in my mind and equate it with the feelings that this piece fosters.
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I love the image of the screenless window, but without dust. Almost as one is closed in and will choke, no filter or protection from outside without the screen or our protector. Good write, keep penning and thanks for sharing your work.
Jen -
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thank you,
though this is word-bank inspired, it brought out some deep dark pains of my past and though I thought it was healed years ago, this penning lifted a bit of left over pain
Blessings,
Sassy
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Beautiful. I loved it.
Not really sure what else to say about it really, 'reached beyond my apathy, and read like braille
the dirt and dust of my life', love those lines particularly. Good luck in the contest you're entered in, and well done. Hannu xx -
Great poem you have here. All the way through, you have deep meaning in those lines. Great Rhythm. Great everything - use of language too.
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that was fantastic the whole thing was just amazing
there isn't anything else to say about it
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Beautiful
Amazing poem my friend, really love the 'teratoma pie' section, it gives a really personalised feel. Keep up the great writing.
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I'm digging this style ... My windows, lacking of screen but not of dust ... ah yes. This could elude to a suffocation of sorts as well ... meaning the screen brings in fresh air, life.
Also like the teratoma pie combo! Creative and ingenious.
As for the poem, its good, but looks to need some tightening ... first thing that stands out to me is the use of anything in the 3rd line. I feel "anything" can be eliminated.
8th line; "the first time I felt a connection to genius mind."
I feel you could eliminate mind, and add "her" before genius. So as to read:
the first time I felt a connection to her genius
Little things like that which seem to strengthen the overall idea of the poem, at least they do for me.
Thank you for your entry and best of luck to you in our contest!
~Steve
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