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Battle of Life

I look through a pair of masochistic eyes,
onto the apathy that has become the world.
Just beyond me, I hear the timeless roar of eternity,
threatening to swallow me whole with it's slow, steady progression.
I sigh and gaze into the cosmos,
in search of a greater connection to life.

For a time, I merely stand in silence, my imagination wanders,
overcome by emotions cinched tight,
brought on by the terrible massacre in front of me.
screams discharge like an ebullient liquid,

as two armies meet on the teratoma plane.

As I stare, trying to decipher the mangled braille formations of people below
my companion whispers vile diatribes to the sky.
He is a genius, despite his appearances,
his eyes the colour of freshly dissected pie,
his shriveled, prune-like hands hiding in the shadows,
as he casts a powerful spell over the land.

I feared he would make an ambivalent decision,
but my fear wasn't grounded - he has done well with his inheritance.
He has won the battle for us.

Author notes

Okay. That wasn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be - tell me what you think.

Honestly? The hardest word to use was 'pie'.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Abby In Chains. silver member
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this has great imagery, i love to see that in a poem.

    i especially enjoyed the first stanza. the age old thoughts, wanting to make an impression on this world. said in so many words, described beautifull.

    i suppose this could be taken quite literally, but to me it has many layers. i see steve has already been by to give a critique, so my works is already done here.

    and yes, steve just had to throw that word, 'pie' into to mix. he thought it would be amusing to see where our entrants stuck that word, i think. you did well with it.

    best of luck come judging time, i shall make sure steve considers this one.

    Abby

  • we lit a flame
    January 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow- Personally, I am very impressed. Especially with how you used the word "braille". All these words, and yet still such an intriguing and well-written poem. Amazing job on this!

    ~Cordelia
    ps, haha to your author's note "his eyes the color of freshly cooked pie"


  • Solo Wisp gold member
    January 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You draw the reader in with an immense hold on imagery. I feel this is very well written and tells a story without much abstraction to the mind ... although this could just be a whisper on the breeze. Your poem creates a nice landscape for your image, as well.

    My suggestions:

    Anything with an 'ing ending, try to eliminate these or substitute for a stronger word.
    Ex.
    "...screams flowing like an ebullient liquid,"

    screams flow like an ebullient liquid OR
    screams discharge like an ebullient liquid

    "...teratoma plain" or plane. 2nd stanza last line.

    *Also, am not seeing dissection or a variation.*

    If I have bypassed it, please inform me. Thanks.

    Thank you for your entry and best of luck to you in our contest!

    ~Steve




    • volcaniclastic
      January 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the criticism. And yes, you are right - I did seem to miss "dissection" - It was in my first copy - I must have edited it out by accident. I will fix it promptly.

      Edit: Fixed - I found the spot where I edited it out.