I. He Sung To Her Fleeting Image
There upon a carpet of midnight blue,
as creation cradled in sway,
lay blooming blush, in wilting stars' hush,
with the softest bliss of autumn's pray.
A candle in twilight's potion did brew
'a sparkling stance' the rose's say;
in wilting star's hush, lay blooming blush
with royalty's etch in dusky sleigh.
Her womb is a glade of starry hues,
and 'pon fine threads of satin;
lay blooming blush, in wilting stars' hush,
as thoughts painted on seduction's fray.
II. On A Silence Thought She Now Sat
His freshly mown papyrus is untouched,
for thoughts write themselves in a kiss,
as mirth that sighs in your lash,
as the sweetened echo
of our yearning.
Ah, this draught that I sipped,
from the pools of his eyes
as memories bared in limp winter,
and the fleeting touch of my lip
as luminous love birthed in light.
A feathered touch of his fingers,
is but all I dared at dawn and dusk,
to feel his warmth unending,
as a finely brush
of unsheathed highness.
III. Oh, The Sun! Ah, The Moon!
How champion-gold are your hands today,
as strands of copper rhyme,
your breath is a mist on a crisp dawn,
as a daisy's arms opened
blooming at trust of dew.
Wrought of earthen breeze, molded anew,
as twinkling beauties unmatched;
in stars' wilting hush, lay blooming hush
our seduction had life yonder bay.
A fresh-sodden pawn
with such knightly stature,
an array of dazzling light,
wedded to coined ambiguity;
as a mystery strung on laments grey.
Author notes
For the finals of The Poetic Challenge.
The form I chose is the La'tuin form. It was as you said - challenging. This is my first rhyming poem that I individually wrote, as I have never written one before - except by desi and whisper's help.
Latuin form has four-line stanzas having abcb abcb form. The syllable limit is 9,7,9,9. I counted the syllables myself and through a dictionary, but it might differ because I've been through the internet and most sites have weird sylable counters that don't show the same results.
The third line has internal rhyme and is swapped every stanza.
IMPORTANT NOTE
You asked for a form poem and a freeverse poem on the same page. HOWEVER, you did not specify whether they were to be different poems with different themes. That was upto my creativity and so it is. You will find one freeverse part of a poem and one form part of a poem on the same page!
Part I. the sun speaks about the moon(form)
Part II. the moon speaks about the sun(freeverse)
Part III. they talk to each other(freeverse + form + end freeverse)
Why do I deserve to win?
In my eyes, I find it rather disturbing to talk of why I should win. I don't say that, cuz it goes against the way I think. I will just say, that I think I was good enough to be in this challenge because I learned alot from it. This final poem is an implement of all the judges various critiques. My poetry is hence, a blend of emotion and abstract imagery, leaving the deduction to the reader according to his depth of idea.
MY favorite poems for the challenge:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3554532
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3586714
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This piece is captivating! It is... perfect. I like that you went the extra steps to complete this piece... and give us a bit more than what was required. You have been one of the top poets in this challenge. Your pen has dripped the embers of talent throughout this entire challenge. I have enjoyed each poem! I loved this.... These pieces... are memorable to say the least!! Well done!
Good luck to you!
Mel
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Wow...I am so impressed with all three parts of your poem. I have a couple of entries to go yet, but I find it interesting that so far, all of you wrote poems that are connected. But adding the 3d part to your poem went above and beyond what was asked for, and I find that not only creative, but a wonderful way to tie them together and make this gel from beginning to end. Nice job!
For your first poem, your syllable counts don’t match mine in lines 1,2, 5, and 6, but as you said in your author notes there can be quite a variance depending on dictionaries, personal speech, etc. I question “satin” if it’s supposed to rhyme with “sway” and “say”...??? Outside of those minor things this was a wonderful read. The impact might not be there if this was a stand alone poem, but because of the way you wove it together with the other parts, it was a perfect part 1 IMO.
You may know by now that I love, love, love good imagery in poetry, and this delivers that in abundance. I especially loved many of your lines in part 2, and the way you’ve balanced the show and tell.
I’m not sure I’ve seen as much growth in your poetry over the course of the contest as some of the other poets...but I say that as a 100% compliment. From the beginning you’ve had a good handle on each challenge, and your unique style of writing has shown in everything you’ve written. You’ve consistently shown me good work. I don’t doubt you’ve learned things along the way, but I do know you’ve challenged me to find much to critique in any given challenge.
Good luck in the final round, and best wishes as always,
~J.
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Hi there ~
Ok....for the first entry ~
I say this out of full respect for your entry.........and I think you did a wonderful job......but when the balance of *Show & Tell* is broken...and there is too much weight on one side, and not the other, then a write can seem to Show us everything we want to see.....but tells us nothing about the storyline.....as much....or vise versa ~
I believe it will score highly in Imagery....Flow....Impact.....but not so much in Theme....Topic....or Understanding Tone ~
...however...not bad :)
Ok...the second...>>>
From the very first stanza, you had me ~
I loved the entry.....loved your gentle metaphores....your tone is solid throughout....and you took me somewhere in this write.....vs, the 1st entry ~
I had a good serene feeling when reading this.....it gives a good last impression as well ~
Some of your lines here are really special, and they stand out with powerful impact to grab the Reader...
.....well done ~
As far as the 3rd....I don't believe it is required as an entry ~
:)
I enjoyed and appreciated your Final comments to the Challenge.....you are a great Writer....and one day you will acknowledge that and blow us away with everything you pen ~
The best to you in the Finals,
Bear ~
:)
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Thank you Bear, I understand what you meant!
As for the third entry, I believe I needed it to truly sum up my ideas and nicely round up the poem. I just saw it as a fitting end, because all three are parts of one poem, each having its own interconnected story to tell!
Thank you!
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First of all I thank you for explaining which form you chose and how it is done, since I am not familiar with many forms.
Second, your punctuation...........phenominal.
Overall, your piece combined is immaculate.....but I have just one question...why the third poem? My personal opinion, is that after reading the first 2 poems, the 3rd is not needed. It does compliment it, very nicely, however, to some it might appear a bit too long for some.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
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Thank you so much ktulu! I thought that the third poem was just a fitting end to the themed poem at the start. Though you did make me relaize 9it does make it a little too long! Thank you again, for the critique and the praise!!!
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My sweet...you are amazing...and such a wonderful poet...you put me to shame...
and peace my friend
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i'm speechless -
i am willing to give you all of my points if you don't win this.
- namita
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