I wonder why she chose to go.
Did she even love us at all?
She's gone with all our hearts in tow.
A mother should be there to show,
to teach us how to walk, to crawl.
I wonder why she chose to go?
On Christmas eve, as the wind blows
and fells our hope of one loving call
she's gone with all our hearts in tow.
I'll sit and pray for time to slow
to rewind to before the squall.
I wonder why she chose to go?
We shiver as the cradle on the bough
that keeps us safe, slowly starts to fall.
She's gone with all our hearts in tow.
I feel her tears when it rains, as though
her heart reaches out like a warm winter shawl.
I wonder why she chose to go?
She's gone with all our hearts in tow.
Piece number two:
The belt of Orion
now seems to be the only consolation,
the only note of peace
in the dissonance of my life.
Three glowing stars mesmerise,
dominate the sky so black,
a sky so black,
so black,
black ...
Somewhere a cradle rocks
in a lullaby I used to chant
over and over again
to stop the pain from searing my skin,
as tears rip my cheeks apart.
Those stars mesmerise ...
Pinpricks of love reaching out
to nowhere,
because I am nowhere.
I was just a womb ...
The cradle shudders in the bough
a motherless vessel,
filled with life,
reaching out into the black sky,
the nothingness,
trying to break free from Orion's belt.
Author notes
This is the final round of the poetic challenge. I chose to write a villanelle that had to be in pentameter or tetrameter through out. There are 5 three line stanzas and one four-line stanza. The rhyme scheme is aba, aba, aba, aba, aba, abaa. The first and third line of the the piece needs to be repeated throughout. In the second stanza line 1 is repeated, the third is a repeat of line 3 and so on. In the last stanza both lines repeat to form a couplet to end off the piece. This was a really difficult form to play with, but I enjoyed it.
The following are the two pieces I thought was the best of all the pieces I wrote in this challenge. One is from a side contest in the challenge and the other from one of the challenge rounds (Round 4).
http://allpoetry.com/poem/3573052
http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/3701220
The second link is one that still needs to broken into two as I see more than one possibility with it.
I think I should win, because I succeeded in writing different styles and forms with difficulty and real hard work. I also edited, edited, edited everything over and over again. I learned a lot ...
Thank you for the amazing opportunities I have been given to grow.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Awesome
So close to perfection you breathe the breath ... Hope your hard work pay off in gold!
Crossing my fingers!!!!
"I wonder why she chose to go?" ... touched a soft spot. Took me years and realize eventually that it was God's way of telling me I always have a choice ... "hearts in tow" hits exactly where it hurts.
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Wow can meter really be so awesome??? I am gobsmacked really. As one who is working on meter and drowning in the struggle its given me hope that it will come together one day.
xxx
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There is an awesome class here on AP on meter and yes it is a wonderful tool to use. The most joyous moment is when you break through the wall and then it comes so much easier. It will come together for you, I promise. When it does another world opens up and writing takes on a new dimension.
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I'm doing a class on here and yes its much more user friendly than the college stuff. Who knows maybe one day, if they dont lock me up for sitting in cafes scansioning people talking that is lmao.
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Tanz,
This is a remarkable piece by you. You have been steady and fierce in this challenge. Your work has grown, as you had so stated. I feel that it has been an honor to me, to witness this. That reason alone is why I really love holding these challenges. Your work is amazing... and your talent is apparent. Well done.
Love,
Mel
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You are really expanding your poetic skills through this challenge, my friend. I have never written a villanelle (I tried once and then gave up... I think I still have it somewhere), but I've always loved this poetry form. It really is one of the poetry forms that falls the smoothest on the ears. And yours adheres to that requirement. I think you did a stunning job and I admire you for what you've achieved through this challenge!
Being more a free verse poet myself, I can relate or "judge" the 2nd poem better... Again I think you wrote something very special there. It's not only poetically sound, but it moves mountains within. And I so loved the way you've weaved Orion's belt into it (die 3 Susters...)
Wow... what a challenge this must have been for you. I'm quite sure you'll do very very well and that the gold trophy already has your name on it. Wonderful work, my friend!!!
~ Nicolette
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I liked the first piece better than the second. It flowed nicely...but also I have to agree with neurosine...it does get a little slow around the end of the first poem.
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Thank you Sasha. The idea was to slow it down so I could suspend time. This was a dialogue I needed to get down on paper or on the screen as it were. Thank you for commenting though.
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I didn't read past the first piece. I was bored.
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Sorry I bored you. I wonder why you didn't bother to share what was so boring ... maybe the repetition that needs to be part of a villanelle. Tis a real pity you did not get to read the second part ...
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I think that the words Mother, Christmas, Pray, and baby related stuff just wasn't the sort of stuff I was looking for. It's not a reflection of the piece so much as my state of mind.
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I liked the second piece better myself.
Nice rhyming and flow. Very nice
Creatress -
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Thank you. I am glad you liked it.
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Both of your writes are very touching, connected, and with a tone that carries over from one to the next beautifully. Having lost a child years ago, the second piece was something I could easily relate to, even though the circumstances are likely very different. But loss is a universal feeling, and you express that so well.
If I understand the requirements for the villanelle correctly, each line should be of the same metrical length or syllable count? If so, you may want to double check the counts as there were 4 or 5 lines that I believe went over 8 syllables. You did a wonderful job with the rhyming; it’s very pleasing to the ear when read out loud, and doesn’t sound forced IMO.
The free verse is packed with emotion too, lovely descriptions, and nice use of repetition in key words.
I agree with what you said in your author note about all the hard work you’ve put into every poem during the challenge. You’ve had such a great attitude through it all, and I’ve always been really happy with the edits you’ve made. Nice choices as to your “best” poems of the season, and I hope you’d add both of these to that list.
Thanks so much for sticking with this to the end, and good luck to you in this final challenge!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Trista, well the requirement for villanelle is either pentameter or tetrameter. So it could be 10 syllables per line as well. I will go and check the lines for that. I am ecstatic to hear that the rhyming never sounded forced. Rhyming does not come naturally to me - well not end rhyme at least. I can and do rhyming within lines with no problem, but to do end rhyme has always presented a problem for me. Thank you for the fantastic comment and for always giving your opinion and sincere feelings on every piece throughout the challenge. I loved that I always knew what excited you and what needed work. Thanks again for being such a great judge.
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thanks for sharing
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both of these were lovely tanzy.... it's a good thing i went to different form!...this subject touches my heart deeply since i grew up w/o a mom... he execution and form were flawlewss...good luck girl! peace adn harmony....desi
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Thanks Desi
Your comment means a lot especially since you grew up without a mom. Your comments right through the challenge were always loving and sincere and I wanted to thank you for that. You are a wonderful person and I have the utmost respect for your ability and your warm heart. Thanks for all the encouragement you gave me. I am glad I got to know you and your work during this challenge.
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Wow ~
You are growing as a Writer by leaps and bounds ~
The depth of this entry....both entries, is breathtaking ~
The flow from one work of Art to the next, is nothing but vivid and powerful ~
I felt as if I was with you as you penned each line ~
You took me on a journey of *yourself*....or someone.....and you showed me things that only my past knows ~
This will be a very presonal write to many who read it ~
I can not find anything that caught my eye as I was scanning your work......everything just fowed so freakin well.....I am very impressed ~
:)
I was really looking forward to tearing up some entries in the Final Round.....and all of you ladies have kept me from my task.....hehe ~
You all have proven your worth as a Poet, a great contestant and wonderful Writer ~
I wish you the best in whatever happens,
.....and like I told another Poet.....I would love to see you join us on my website ~
:)
good luck to you and your entry,
Bear ~
:)
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Bear
What can I say. Your comment left me speechless. A journey of myself was exactly what this was. I have often wondered if I forgive myself, if forgiveness would automatically flow from elsewhere too. I wanted to share the unknown pain that those who leave have to face and that no one knows about. So yes this is probably a piece of my heart and soul on the stand in a court I have devised all by myself. I generally do not do this - it is hard to write about hurt and I am not that much of a masochist. It was all I could do for this round though. I would love to join you at your new website Bear. Thanks for the invite.
God bless you!!
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First I thank you for explaining your form as I don't know many of them.
Your rhyme scheme was flawless...
I must say that this is thus far the best I have read. Your powerful write here really shows your strength and growth as a writer.
Overall, I liked how there was a smooth transition from one poem to the next, that worked well. Excellent piece.
Near flawless execution.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
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Ktulu
Thank you so much. I am so glad you enjoyed and liked this piece so much. It was personal - sometimes writing about something like this is the best way to get power out. I am glad you liked the transition too. I thought it would work best that way. Glad you agreed. Thanks for being such a fantastic judge in this challenge and for sharing your thoughts in such a helpful way. They have helped me grow too.
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I know nothing about different forms of poetry my friend, but your words have definitely touched my heart - a mother should ALWAYS be a mother no matter what (one's kids are the most important thing in the world) and for a mother to walk out on her kids is (in my opinion anyway) unforgivable!
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In so many ways this was a highly personal write for me. Ask Tatt about it . The idea was to show how lost the mother feels after leaving the kids. There is very little understanding for that nowadays. The guilt is always there, the pain never goes away. Is anything unforgivable? Yes, sometimes things are unforgivable but hopefully the forgiveness and mercy of love will always prevail. I hope so with my entire soul anyway. I am glad this touched you - it is an important piece for me.
Love ya hun. -
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oh crap! I thought it was YOUR mother who had left you ...
<<< has pie on her face now ~shaking head~
sorry B, but I am EXCEPTIONALLY passionate when it comes to kids - I do so apologize if I offended you in any way, shape or form - it was not my intention - I was merely viewing my opinion (obviously I should think BEFORE I open my mouth)
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No offense taken sweetheart. Loves you lots. Glad you understand the piece now!!! Lotsa hugs and smooches.
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Beautiful and heartbreaking.
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Thank you Raven. This was a challenge to write and hopefully excites everybody as much as it did you. Thanks for always commenting. With my challenges over, I can finally concentrate on reading someone else's work and I promise to catch up this week with your work. Hugs and kisses.
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Wow Sweets, this is such an amazing write... the form and style is incredible, and the content.. well knowing you this has truly touched my heart.. well done my friend.. You are truly an inspiration
well done and good luck
Naids
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Naids
Thanks hun. I am so glad it touched you the way it did. I tried to give it power. I see it has hit the spot for some. Yes, you know me and you know how much this probably affected me while writing it. Thanks for all your love and support and your very generous words. Hope you have a fantastic new year filled with joy and peace.
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