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The Vision Beneath My Eyes

When midnight strikes,
My fearful eyes jitter
For the image rumbling beneath them:

Colorful circles intertwined with life,
Perilous squares combating for wealth.
Flashing eyes pulsing with glory-
This is my dream, my dream, my dream.

Bright red jaws snapping at me,
I stay put; moving isn’t necessary.
And such menacing jaws snap- at nothing.
Yes, this is my dream, my dream, my dream.

Stiff genes twisting quickly,
Making me learn my identity.
Then a force pierces me, and I liquidize.
This is my dream, my dream, my dream.

Cold blood flowing from my mind,
My blue hand jolts up, hoping to seek and find,
The blood curdling monster that started this vision!
Oh, this is my dream, my dream, my dream.

And suddenly I wake!
I squint drowsily at the horizon.
Then at my body in fascination.
Yes, this was my dream.

Author notes

This poem won fifteenth place in a national poetry contest last year...



For the Contest Realistic Dreams:
Option 5 and 1

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Metaphorist
    February 7, 2008

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    I see why it won. The best poem I've read in the last hour (but that's not saying much lol). Thanks for entering.


  • Florida Sunshine
    February 6, 2008

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    ~ MMM, what a dream ~ I've had some pretty strange dreams too ~ I do like the gemetric's of the write~ I think you've taken it to a higher lvl ~ beyond those who just read it ~ The repeat of "This is my dream, my dream, my dream" Reminds me of another form that has you do the same thing ~ I read some of the comments made regarding this ~ I do agree with some ~ others NO Possible way ~

    I congrats you on 15th place in a national contest ~ ~ the more I read this the more I think I like it ~ The imagery doesn't completely paint the picture ~ although it's enough for you to use your own imagination to paint your own picture.... of what you mean~ I'm not sure if I get all the metaphor's you've used in the piece. I still don't understand why 13 "My Dreams" why 13 ~ and not 12 or 15 ~ I do like the method you used in the last line ~> Of Oh yes, or This, Oh~ However, I don't understand why you failed to use it in the first stanza yet all the other stanza's it was ~ but then.... I think ~ this is a dream ~ a creative creation ~ why must this poet follow any rules ~ they've created....


    I give you MAJOR kudos ~ on writing a piece of poetry that gets people talking about the work ~ whether they like it or not ~ doesn't make the difference ~ it's the affect overall the piece has on people ~ (Don't you think?) ...

    Thanks for entering my "Set the Bar" contest ~ I really appreciate you sharing your work with me ~ Good luck to you ~

  • xTomorrowx
    February 2, 2008

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    This poem has some great imagery in it, it sounded like quite an interesting dream...
    It's written quite well, and I'm not really sure what to say...
    Just well done and thanks for entering.


  • Jocilynn Destroyed
    January 29, 2008

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    Nice

    This is a very good dream...very vivid I like it...good job and good luck!

    Much love and respect,
    Joci

  • Hope.on.a.wire.
    January 24, 2008

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    I just read a comment on this poem from someone who disliked the repetition, but I think it was great. It was purposeful and it was helpful in conveying emotion. To me, it felt like panic of someone trying to convince themselves they are just dreaming and there is a progression of awareness, where in the end the dreamer wakes up and is perfectly aware that this was just their dream. At least, that is how I see it. One thing I am not sure about is "Stiff genes twisting quickly" because if they are stiff, how can they be twisting? Other than that, I enjoyed reading this and I can see why it won fifteenth place in a national poetry contest. Congrats on that. You deserved it!


  • MourningSun
    January 17, 2008
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    I liked it. it was really interesting and i thought it was deep and well written. good job.


  • Kappa Pyua
    January 17, 2008

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    Very interesting dream poem of a nightmare I assume. good work and detailed. UNT

  • Doldrums
    January 16, 2008

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    A tad over literal…

    I’m not usually the kind of person who gives a brief overview of poetic writings. That’s why it usually takes me a while to reply. What seems to be lacking in your piece, is contrast. There isn’t anything that really separates itself from the majority. It all feels like one big poetic mesh. At times, it can be very difficult to follow. One thing I noticed; is that you’ll start a metaphor, or a visual reference like “Bright red jaws snapping at me,” followed by a literal interpretation to progress the story, and in this case “I stay put; moving isn’t necessary.” To be honest, I recently went back and reviewed a lot of my earlier work and found myself guilty of the same thing. I’m guessing your intentions may have been to broaden its appeal, by doing something deep and then nudging the reader along, but you need to express yourself in ways that are a bit more poetic. For example, did you know you used the word “dream” thirteen times? Try and set goals for yourself and find terminology that fits more Introspectively. Pull out a thesaurus and broaden your lexicon. Tell yourself to only use the word “dream” twice and really think what would make people say "wow." Don’t worry if it takes you six months to a year to write just one poem and never tack your name onto something you don’t stand behind one hundred percent. My general assumption is that you’re asking for advice and that’s mine.


    • Bizharro
      January 16, 2008
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      Thanks for the feedback. I will put your suggestions into consideration. The use of the word "dream" thirteen times was purely on purpose, to give the reader a feeling of repetition and a trance- like feeling.

      Thanks again.

  • The Editor21
    January 4, 2008
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    this is art!

1 - 10 of 10