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Her Best


She calls me your very best for her—
I only ask that you mean it so.
And if there's a doubt in your starry mind,
dear god I ask that you lay me low.

Lay me low in the moldering clay,
if one harsh look or a bitter word
exists deep down in this heart of mine,
so that it may never be seen nor heard,

so that she may live the span of her years
believing the absolute best of me,
trusting forever the love she holds
is the love I keep till she follows me.

But if you look and you see the man
she thanks you for each day of her life,
then please dear god will you guide my will
so I never bring her a moment's strife?

Will you teach me all that I need to know
to be that childlike soul she sees,
tender as dew on the bamboo's leaf,
gentle as hope on the slightest breeze?

Will you grant me health and the quiet strength
to stand with compassion at her side
for however long we both may live,
whatever fates roll in with the tide?

 

 

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Thoughts, Feelings, Interpretations, Experience:

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Comments

1 - 34 of 34

  • zigdaddy silver member
    May 19
    Edit | Reply
    to be specific..and, of course, this is just my perception.
    just suggestions of words to leave out:
    "a" in line 3
    "that" line 4
    "a" line 6
    maybe "down" line 7
    I find line 8 awkward
    "that" line 9
    2nd "you" 13
    "her' 14
    "the" 21
    "whatever fate rolls in with the tide"

    sorry, I confess this is proper tetrameter. I think maybe just a few too many unecessary words.

    hey, I really think you're a fantastic writer and I don't always know what the hell I'm talking aobut...take it with a grain of salt, bro

    • Zahhar gold member
      May 19
      Edit | Reply
      There's nothing to "know", really, except pedantic details, which are easy to learn and regurgitate. What you've just done here is actually conveyed information about how you're experiencing the poem, which is a million times more useful to me as a writer than telling me what you 'know'.

      These are good observations. Removing any of these words would change the meaning behind the lines just a hair, so I'll have to think about this, and decide whether or not I'd prefer the meaning as is, or prefer a slightly more predictable meter, or even change some of these lines entirely. If I made changes at all, it might be a long time from now, as I'm currently immersed in other writing projects.

      Consequently, "down", in line 7, is the second accented syllable in that line as I read it. Where are you accentuating your second syllable in that line?

      I do have a few poems posted here that are extremely exact with regards to meter. One such poem, as one who seems to enjoy nature poetry, is "The Lotus Tree", linked to from my author page. Hope you'll read and leave a thought or two.

  • zigdaddy silver member
    May 19

    Edit | Reply
    a theme we can all relate to, I think. couple of fine similes in the second to last stanza (well done). Rhythm seemed a tad choppy in spots. I always expect rhyming poems to have strick metre...always feel a little off balance when they do not...I guess that's why I avoid rhyming poems (that metre stuff ain't easy to master). I'm a better person for reading this one. thanks

    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      May 19
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your thoughts, man. Would you tell me where you're experiencing some choppiness, and if you're able, tell me how you're reading those lines. I mean, tell me where you're accenting syllables in the line.

      • zigdaddy silver member
        May 19
        Edit | Reply
        When working in metre ya gotta count those syllables, man.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry)
        The poet must carefully adhere to rhythm when constructing this type of poem.

        for instance: the last line of the first and fifth stanzas have 9 syllables
        all others except the last stanza have ten syllables
        the last stanza has only eight syllables

        • Zahhar gold member
          May 19
          Edit | Reply
          This doesn't answer my question. Each line in this poem is a tetrameter, and I know the meter of this poem in ways much deeper than you may realize: http://allpoetry.com/list/9932-13---Essays-and-Columns-on-Poetry

          What I asked was this: Would you tell me where you're experiencing some choppiness, and if you're able, tell me how you're reading those lines.

          Me, I'm able to read this poem without any choppiness. But this isn't anything really to brag about because I wrote it, so of course I can read it without choppiness. I'm sure Tennyson could read each of his poems without the least bit of choppiness, where I'm forced to muse over the meter until I'm lost.

          So, I'm curious still, which lines are you stumbling on, and if you would, try to tell me just how your'e reading them so I can see through your eyes what the probleme is. The problem is not the syllable count. The problem is occurring between my expectations of how the reader will approach each line and how you're actually approaching them. So, try again if you would, and let me know where you're stumbling on the meter (not rhythm--rhythm and meter are different) and I'll look at it.

  • aprilnadeau gold member
    May 15

    Edit | Reply

    Montaigne, writes of a man so embarrased by accidentally passing gas

    in public that he killed himself. It seems to me the person praying so devoutly to God that the one he loves and that he is sure loves him never have the chance to know the whole of themselves. "to be the childlike soul she sees" Oh! Pleeze. Will then they never unite as man and woman? Why not pray for the compassion and courage to see people as they are and accept them as one is able to accept ones self with all the foibles and limitations
    one has. This is part of being an adult, to put away the fantasies and unrealistic expectations of childhood. Or is this what you are trying to present?

    . Rewarded 8


  • Dorick
    May 5

    Edit | Reply
    As said in the many comments before, this is a very heartfelt, devoted poem, and definitely the kind that will keep a good relationship in tact.

    However, I'm going to critique the poem itself now, so brace yourself

    You use the word "so" four times, twice followed by "that" The problem is they don't add anything to the actual poem, in a writing class they'd becalled "filler words" or something of the sort.

    You use "me" to rhyme itself in the third stanza (which is harder to get away with when it's not in a song"

    Be careful when using the word "life", it has very few rhyming pairs and many of us have grown to know just about all of them, so we know what word you're going to use next.

    The very last line has too many beats, maybe get rid of "in".

    I see a lot of potential in your poem, and it's certainly not unpopular here(which makes changing the original version hard to do, because we learn to like the mistakes), but read it over again, maybe try some touch ups on the words, and definetly fix the beat in the last line, it's the one we're left with to remember your poem by.

    Lasty, you end your poem with a question, which isn't what we started with, so it feels kind of like it doesn't have an ending at all. Endings don't have to be difficult or anything, just remind us what the point of the poem was.

    Like:

    Bless my efforts, bless my soul,
    And let me be her best, my Lord.


    • Zahhar gold member
      May 5
      Edit | Reply
      Show me how you're reading that last line. It's a clear tetrameter the way I'm reading it, so I'd like to see which syllables you're accenting.

      All the weaknesses you've mentioned, except for the 'extra beat' at the end, I was aware of as I wrote the poem. Sometimes you sacrifice clarity for form, and sometimes form for clarity. It's a balance.

      Plus, it's good to go ahead and regress sometimes, back to those norms now disdained. It shows that we're still adventurous, that we're willing to break the 'rules' a bit.

      • Dorick
        May 5
        Edit | Reply
        The reader doesn't count the full three beats in "compassion" because our heads would have to chop the word apart to make it fit, so we listen to the next set of beats in the line:
        "at her side" doesn't match:
        "in with the tide"
        The first is 3 beats, the second has 4.

        I don't like to think of words as weaknesses, because you can't meausre the value of a word.
        It's a matter of using the right words that will prod your reader's most dramatically, and it gets harder to find better words the more times you read the poem.

        Norms? I'm not sure normality can exist in poetry, if it did, no one would read it...
        Poetry is about highlighting the things a reader wouldn't normally see.

        Hey, this is your work, not mine, just take my words into account. I have plenty of poems I wouldn't dare put in the critical's featured.

        • Zahhar gold member
          May 5
          Edit | Reply
          I love comments like this, I'm just letting you know that the places you've flagged I've already been over and thought about.

          Now, you're right: "at her side" isn't a metrical match for "in with the tide". But, the lines...
          to STAND with comPAssion AT her SIDE
          ...
          whatEVer FATES roll IN with the TIDE
          ...are rhythmical matches, and they're both tetrameters. They flow together well for me when I read the lines naturally, without forcing them mentally into metrical place. Rhythm and meter can be challenging areas of language to differentiate, and it's taken me years of working with poetry to begin to be able to do so. And even now, I'm much better at pointing out which lines are rhythmically similar or dissimilar than I am at explaining why. I think that, with these lines, what assists their rhythmical harmony is the fact that they're both iambic-anapaestic tetrameters, with one anapaest each. But, it could be more complex than this without my realizing it.

          I thought of using "by" instead of "at", but this language use felt inconsistent to me with the rest of the poem, so I went with the less formal "at".

          Well, you'll find I have a bunch of poems here on the Reward list. Hope you'll have a look at a few more.

  • Circuitsboard
    May 3
    Edit | Reply

    Most excellent

    Would that we all prayed (and lived) this prayer!
    You capture so readily what many of us wish we coulkd write. *sigh*
    I've not been here in a while and reading your work makes me glad I stopped in.

    . Rewarded 4

  • lovelylittleworld
    April 13
    Edit | Reply
    i love the line 'and if there's a doubt in your starry mind,/dear god i ask that you lay me low'


  • Ryah
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    You explain these concepts so well.
    This seriously inspires me to write about the one I love.
    I would kill to have this kind of talent.

    Keep writing, you're great. =)
  • albymyheart gold member
    March 18
    Edit | Reply
    The depth of love expressed is unbelievable. A poem to be most proud of. Extremely well written and with a smooth flow. This is the first poem I have read of yours and I only want to read more.
    alby

    . Rewarded 4


  • Sylvyrwyng silver member
    March 4

    Edit | Reply
    what a loving and awe inspiring gift to the woman you love! Beauty beyond compare and just perfect!

    . Rewarded 4


  • PlayfulPassion gold member
    February 27

    Edit | Reply

    Expressive & Heartfelt..

    This is a beautiful inspiration to the thoughts of one whom might be contemplating marriage. I find these sentiments of true love that is penned in your poetry, as a personal yet, liberating expression in your contemplations of how you could be a better man for the one you long to have by your side.
    It almost feels to me like it is in prayer form. Which interprets a grand dedication in the most highest forms of purity -of your love. This is how I viewed this upon reading.

    Which leads me to a breathless awe of what the right heart may do for another, in devotion of marriage.

    Your closing is breathtaking.

    I am unaware if this is a personal piece, if it is, then I would say "Congratulations!"
    Much Love and Many Blessings~
    All the best,
    ~Joy

    . Rewarded 8


  • poetryality silver member
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful! The words are earnest and come from a loving heart. They spill over with hope, and the need to be the best man possible. I was reading this work as though it were a poem dedicated to your Mother. I sigh in thinking of how much I want to be pleasing to my mom, even at my age. How hard I try to make my family happy as well. Very sentimetal and heartfelt. Beautiful!



    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee

    . Rewarded 8


  • Dorie
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    then please dear god will you guide my will
    so I never bring her a moment's strife? ........................
    Hey, If i were to hear my lover praying such a prayer.. Oh MyGoodness.. I would carry my head high in the streets every day

    . Rewarded 4

  • Rediscover
    February 19
    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    This was like heavens breath. How wonderful to write those words "I'd love to hear written to me"...You could sell this as a greeting card and it would sell by the millions. You have done another brilliant job! here.

  • mjlovestheatlantic gold member
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    This is just absolutely amazing... you never did lose your muse did you? I love reading your work... keep on writing
  • Rediscover
    February 2
    Edit | Reply

    This is beautifully written....

    You have done a splendid job here. Your words deep with meaning and filled with a heart of gold. The Lucky Lady that holds the key to this poem.

    . Rewarded 4


  • pinkhawk
    January 26

    Edit | Reply
    ...for me sir this a poem full of emotions, with unselfish wish enough to melt a heart and be granted! how great!!!!!

  • OnAccountOfNoOne
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    The lines that struck me the most were
    'Will you teach me all that I need to know
    to be that childlike soul she sees'

    I have often thought that the only thing keeping people from real and honest love is themselves. This poem speaks perfectly of the struggle between what we want and what we are capable of.

    . Rewarded 6


  • Nishantshah2381
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Will you teach me all that I need to know
    to be that childlike soul she sees,
    tender as dew on the bamboo's leaf,
    gentle as hope on the slightest breeze?

    very nice lines
    erudite writing and poignant thoughts indeed

  • Naridill gold member
    January 13

    Edit | Reply
    Beautifully expressed. Reminds me kindly of a Nick Cave song - Into my arms. Not 100% sure why but I sensed a melody similar in my mind when reading this and the flow was very intriguing and soft with the words. My favourite stanza was the opener - set the scene and was simply amazing.

    Exquisite and beautiful.

  • Aesthete2000 gold member
    January 9
    Edit | Reply
    A most beautiful plea,
    one that any woman
    would wish were written for her,
    and husbands would wish they had created.

    Kudos to you for expressing the concept so well.

    Aesthete

    . Rewarded 4

  • T1ger
    January 6
    Edit | Reply
    That is absolutely spectacular.


  • My Nemesis
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    I think this would be a wonderful poem for a husband to read to his wife at their wedding. It is so full of love, so full of hope.
    When I started to read it I at first thought it was a son to his mother, but as I read on I felt it was more a husband to a wife. This is a beautiful poem, and anyone who lives to this standard (or even attempts to) is a beautiful and caring soul.

    . Rewarded 8

  • Thiefree
    January 5
    Edit | Reply

    fantastic

    A beautifully written and tender poem, I absolutely love it. I'll pray this about me and my boy tonight, thank you x

    . Rewarded 4


  • stompsalot
    January 5
    Edit | Reply

    gorgeous write

    this reminds me of a "now i lay me down prayer." it is absolutely gorgeous and hopeful. it is also very honest and true to be open to love. a real love, sincere and eternal forever. love it.
    blessings and *stomps

    . Rewarded 4


  • kvwriter silver member
    January 4

    Edit | Reply
    Like a gently flowing river with sporadic ebbs. Just lovely. The beginning had me thinking the poet might be speaking of his mother, then it wove into such that I pondered the possibility that the poet is a love afar and that he will forever remain so. Then, I felt the tug of "soulmate" and sensed the essence of a man and woman in love and he so in love that he would never harm her in any way, shape or form. An enduring love--eternal. And that no matter what the future brought, his love is eternal and of a purity hard to measure. Nice rythm and rhyme--flowed naturally. As well, this love seems fresh, new as the words " . . .till she follows me," jumped out at me. The write is truth of which I agree, for me and my love. Thank you for this!--Kel
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