in stark contrast to
the jilted wall behind
the bed, the one married
with fist depressions
craked eggshell paint
and hollow, open blackheads
i lie still
and grasp my head with perfect hands
to choke out its lonely demons
because this
is all i know
Author notes
Fortunately, I can keep this from happening.
Won bronze in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2389101
In a list
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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It's good, but I feel that it needs a lot more discription. I'm giving you my honest critisim. I feel that it needs to be worked on, and it should have correct capitalization.
thank you for entering, and best of luck. ♥ -
this was really powerful, in a very simple clean cut way. totally great write (u get some really funny comments, i was just scrolling through them, 'is this about jacking off?' XD, i about died)
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Oh and it reads great too
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Whoa very intense!
I loved this
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Interesting poem. I think I made my brain explode inside my skull trying to figure it out though. I got pretty lucky when I randomly decided to look at the comments below me and I figured it out. Pretty cool if I do say so myself. Thanks for rocking my contest.
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This is such a great write. I really enjoyed reading through this, but am a little confused about what it is about. If it is not too personal, I would love to know, I really enjoyed this one.
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BeJay's analysis below is nearly spot-on. Might want to read his comment if you want a better sense of what this poem is about.
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Very hardcore...auch a raw piece...
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beautifully dark piece
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This is awesome I loved how you penned this out
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"and grasp my head with perfect hands
to choke out its lonely demons" i simply love these lines and i also you find that you stopped it right at the right moment, and left it lingering i like that, good idea
. i also love the title. Thanks for entering keep safe.
Em
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Wow, this is pretty damn good! Honestly, I kept staring at the page, waiting for it to suddenly pop off the screen and jump out at me You have created some very vivid imagery, to the point that I could see the fist-marks, smell the egg stains on the walls... Wow!
Even if it is about doing what the previous commenter suggests, I've never seen it written about in such an artistic way! Keep this up, and I can see you going all the way to the end! Well done, and good luck!
Laura
xxx
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When's the next round?
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LOL!
"This isn't about jacking off is it?"
Funniest thing that I've seen in a while actually.
Maybe I'm silly, maybe I'm not stupid, maybe I'm on acid too; this didn't seem too difficult to decipher.
The usage of 'jilted' and 'married' seem to imply that the POV is from one that just got out of a relationship, and not under his/her own cirCUMstances, and the POV holder punished the wall (thus the holes and the cracks) with the end line [choke] illustrating how pissed off the POV is.
Or I'm just looney. Or as I told my Organizational Behaviour professor, maybe I'm just a "neurotic poodle". But I'm not going to hump your leg; effectively jilting you again.
Also, I don't care much for the 'and' repetition. I feel like twatting about by saying that.
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So, it's 4:49 AM and I'm bored, so I thought I'd reply to your comment and note that you must've been equally bored to comment on this.
I'd like to think none of my poems are all that cryptic; most just need a few moments of thought to figure them out. Though, I think that's because I prefer simple language expressing a complex idea/emotion more than anything else, and because I can't stand using difficult-as-fuck-to-decipher metaphors and whatnot.
For the record, I haven't put any holes in any walls...except once, but that was over something completely different, and it was a few years back.
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This poem combined with your picture just scream "bad acid trip"...though I'm sure that's not what this is about...
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Nah, I can safely say I've never used acid.
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This isn't about jacking off is it?
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No.
Nice try, though.
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its dark and i like that i just didnt feel its power...maybe make it longer?
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and grasp my head with perfect hands
i do so love that line, and the brevity that lets this poem breathe. -
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Thank you.
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