On Guard!

  Unsteady roots, stagnant soil, a reach for help to steady roots and recondition soil.
So much work seems just for naught.

  “Fake it until you make it!”
Oh, I can fake it; it’s what I do best. But I gave up the making it a long time ago.
But faking requires an on guard stance and the person you really are is never seen
or known.
  The real heart and soul understands the risk of letting down its’ guard.
Scared all the time and sleep is a rarity. Sleep requires a letting down of guard.

  Certain smells and sounds and even people and places can instantly transport me back
to a time when survival depended on being on guard at all times. Then the fear takes
over, fear of life itself, and I am once again frozen in that fear.

  At the soul level, a feeling that a heart wounded so young can never really be healed,
and the hurt still festers inside, creating a physical body that is disgusting and old
way before its time.

  So, for a brief moment my guard is down some. Please help! I cannot do this alone anymore. I hurt more than anyone in my life would ever believe, and so much more than I can handle anymore. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I want it to be okay to just let go, relax, rest, and to release the burden and weight of holding up the guard. I don’t even know who I really am, or what my purpose for being here is. And I am scared I never will.