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Yellowed

You said I swear   I swear you said

each word I spoke was your vow too

I gave you mine   you took the same

until death do us part apart

 

Like perfect roots in fertile black

store bought in bags stuffed full of promise

tall and green sprouts from expensive

It was best to keep things artificial


I know a thing or two like that

two paned glass to cull the weather

a plastic pot next to the window

A little sun neglect and water

I swore   you said

afterwards our words came true


We damned them deep down in the dirt

to drink the mud and up they grew

a rigid pair of bark brown stalks

from our own tongues two stories up

where beauty lies in perfect orbs

like greens and browns hide shades of blue

like all that blooms outside the glass

for perfect is as perfect does


But all green is brown behind closed doors

Perhaps Spring was always Autumn here

Parting flower turning leaves


You never mentioned yellow, Love.

In a list

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 55 of 55

  • Night Hope gold member
    October 28

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    Such shimmering melancholy, Scribe. But yes, I understand. I will never tell someone "I know how you feel", though, since no one ever does.


  • Great poem.
    I wouldn't change it at all.
    loved your wording and great job indeed.


  • SezmeKnuHart
    August 5

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    Oooh gosh! This is really sad, really pretty, rally cool=P. the last line really tied it off, the imagination with words and metaphors is great. Keep at it yo.


  • dutch2lips gold member
    August 4

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    a puzzeling write, made me read again, still not grasping all that you are trying to portray
    i am not really good in metaphores tho, sorry (cant write them either)
    thank you for entering

  • wow this little treasure seeped way into my soul, and stirred it up a little,,,this is a might fine write
    bravo
    T

  • This I could feel. I felt it deep down inside of me. I can see why it won theses trophies.


  • AllOuta
    March 22
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    Once again your pen touches something I was trying my best to illustrate, and does it in a way that not only surpasses what my own feeble attempts stumbled along inked lines, but shames me into feeling as if I never really felt what it was that I thought I was feeling!

    Brava~


    • JustBe gold member
      March 23
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      Thanks

      I really appreciate the compliment, and I'm glad you found the poem so relatable. I wish you wouldn't bag your writing like that, though. The damaging messages that can seem to live in other people's behavior can make seeing ourselves in a good way a tough enough proposition even when we aren't explicitly slamming ourselves.

      What's important to recognize is that whether it's Mom, Dad, you, me, or a stranger on the street, a person's behavior says far more about what is going on inside him or her than anything else. The hateful things we learn to believe about ourselves begin as coping mechanisms in childhood, and if we still hear those messages when we're grown, it's because we've never stopped repeating them. We love and hate about others what we love and hate about ourselves, and all our parents knew how to do was teach us to grow up to be like them.

      I read your comment as a good-natured blessing given so that I will have a reason to feel good about what I wrote. Mission accomplished; thank you sincerely.

      To receive such praise from the brilliant writer you describe in your profile would have been an even higher compliment. I have read her writing, and my guess is that the more you tell her she's brilliant, the less feeble it will sound to you. Isn't that what you wanted to hear when you were 8 or 9? That part of us only grows up if we let it get bigger, and it's the same part that outlives us in the heads of our children. Do we really owe it to our grandparents' grandparents to keep hearing awful things they thought they were only telling themselves? Just a thought.

      Did any of that ring true for you at all? I really hope so, because in the end I have to admit that I saw my reflection in you, and was really talking to and about myself the whole time. It could be that almost everyone does that almost all the time, or maybe that's just what I want to believe. My best to you in any case.

      Thanks again,
      Morgan

  • piccola silver member
    March 2

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    congrats on the gold and silver for this. Not what I was looking for but thanks for letting me read it. Thanks for entering

    • JustBe gold member
      March 3
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      You wanted the seasons as a metaphor for aging. Here we have the seasons as a metaphor for the slow death of a relationship. Was there something I missed? I don't understand how I'm off-topic.


  • CelticQueen
    November 25, 2008

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    Morgan, I'm beginning to think that you're a "concrete thinker" like me.  You've referred to this in your replies as "abstract", yet...I understand it!  I never understand abstract poetry! 

     

    I can see how your no-break-line-breaks in the first stanza could throw people off ("You said I swear   I swear you said"), but I liked them.  What I didn't understand was your "afterwards our words came true" line in the third stanza.  If it all fell apart, but you both had vowed the standard wedding vows, what words came true?  My question continues to the beginning of the next stanza.  I simply don't know what you're referring to.    I'm thinking the green and brown orbs are eyes, right?

    Anyway, I enjoyed this...this almost-abstract poem.  Thanks.

    Cynthia

  • ElectricBloom
    November 23, 2008

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    I'm not quite sure what to think of this
    I don't know if i like it or not.
    There are lines that I'm like "Oh that's nice"
    and others when I'm like.. Hmm..
    I'm not sure about all the word play, however you do have some beautiful imagery/metaphor etc.

    I like the colour yellow =]
    and I'm not sure what my thoughts on marriage are.

    ElectricBloom

    (sorry for the vague comment)

    • JustBe gold member
      November 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Actually, I really appreciate this comment. I had thought I was basically finished editing this poem, but now this makes two thoughtful comments I have received in recent months that question the effectiveness of the word play in the first stanza. Maybe the poem would indeed work better if I began it some other way that's more continuous with the abstract images that follow. The major difficulty there is that I can't just lop off S1 and call this done, because S1 provides all of the poem's context. Any ideas? I really want this poem to be as effective as possible, because it's about a very important event in my life. I'll have to give this some thought. Thanks again.
      Best,
      Morgan

  • mz.butter
    November 4, 2008
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    some people get the wrong perception of marriage, sometimes you'll have ups and downs,but overall it is truely a wonderful thing.Don't get caught up in what other people think your relationship to be, it is definetely a partnership and it takes two to make it work and God to guide you in the right direction.

    • JustBe gold member
      November 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I agree that marriage is excellent, but only if it is an equal partnership with real love and respect in both directions. I was totally willing to work through ups and downs. Sadly, I married someone who did not deserve my trust, and that is what this poem is about. I shared every part of myself with her, and she responded by breaking all of her wedding vows without a trace of remorse, divorcing me, manipulating me into giving up many things that are rightly mine, and abruptly breaking off all contact with a heartless lack of consideration that still amazes me in retrospect.

      I could never do anyone the way she did me, and certainly not someone I have loved. It has been the most painful experience of my life. If she had not left on her own, though, I think that relationship might have been the end of me. Pain is the great teacher, and I am only 32 years old. I did not deserve that experience, but it will teach me to find someone next time who really will share her heart with me, and also to hold her accountable for her actions.

  • LoveNLyrics
    October 15, 2008
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    I apologize for my vague critique. After your explanation, I understand the poem was supposed to have multiple ways of reading it. I guess it truly was the lack of punctuation that threw me off. And I think that is what made the "flow" seem a little off, because I never could read it without it feeling choppy due to the fact that I couldn't figure out where it started and ended in each line.
    Thank you for explaining. I'm sorry if I had offended you.

    "Masquerade"

    • JustBe gold member
      October 15, 2008
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      Offended me? Goodness, no. The business of creating art is not for the faint of heart, and I like to think I'm pretty fearlessly honest as a critic myself. I'll take a negative critique over a butt-kissing any day of the week, and especially if it helps me improve one of my poems. I was just trying to explain what sort of thing I was going for here and get you to put a finer point on what you had said originally.
      In other words, if there is something about this poem you really don't like at all, that's what I most want to know about.
      Thanks again,
      Morgan

  • LoveNLyrics
    October 15, 2008

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    i feel it's a bit choppy and it's hard to follow where one line ends and the other begins. i think the imagrey is beautiful just a tad hard to sort through because of the lack of flow. other than that critique, i liked it.

    • JustBe gold member
      October 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hmm.

      I like critical reviews, because I want to improve my writing, but I am not sure I understand your feedback. All of the lines are separated by line breaks, which I really spent some time thinking about. Also, all new sentences begin in capitals at the beginning of new lines, and all intended pauses either appear at ends of lines or (on two occasions) after triple-spacings mid-line. The only thing I can think of that would have made the lines more distinct would be punctuation, which I omitted because it ruined the poem, many of whose lines are written to have multiple, ironically contrasting interpretations. Is there something else I have missed?

      Where "flow" is concerned, I don't know what you mean there, either, because that word is so vague. Which parts do not flow, and what does that mean, exactly?

      The poem is an abstract write, written in a style intended to provoke multiple reads and a fair amount of thought. How many times did you read it? Read it like you would William Carlos Williams (by which I do not mean to imply that I believe my work is as good as WCW's).

      Thank you for reading, and for your feedback.
      Best,
      Morgan


  • FaerieNWonderland
    October 13, 2008
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    wow! love the poem so deep and moving


  • new born
    October 12, 2008

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    This is very melancholy and bitter, but it still...I'm not exactly sure what, but it does something so...subtle and intruging. This is way above my comprehension level, but still amzaing and, well, awe-inspiring.


  • pulsating
    August 2, 2008
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    yellow holds meaning for me so i am drawn to this


  • Nothing But No
    July 7, 2008
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    The ending line seems slightly ' in your face ' to me, I'm not sure if that draws me in or pushes me away from this piece, yet. I will have to re-read it a couple times to get a sense. I like your wording personally, I find it to be an extremely clever write. Thank you for sharing.


  • hilly
    May 29, 2008

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    I don't like the wordplay, I think it's cheap. First line, for example, hated it. But I found some good things in the third stanza and I thought the first four lines of the fourth stanza were great.


  • MrsJones
    May 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very unique and different poem, I love the word choice and style of this poem as well. You did a great job, I really liked this one.

    Thanks for entering!


  • rhondasail
    April 30, 2008
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    Sad write of fading hope...I like the two seasons you used to make the subtleties prominent...winter and summer are too severe for the way many relationships fall apart...Autumn and spring show the gentler yet inevitable slide...Well written piece. Peace, Rhonda


  • LadyShiva
    March 29, 2008

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    Wow! The imagery here totally blew me away! I loved the flow and the usage. You really packed this piece with intense emotions. Very well done!

    Lauren


  • motel silver member
    March 10, 2008

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    my first impression of the work is the bounty of wonderful images ... tying the themes of nature, the seasons, in reference to relationships. beautiful write.


  • Lady Eventide
    March 7, 2008

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    Oh, sensational! The imagery was breathtaking, really, and the way you put the words together was WAY nice. Congrats on gold.


  • seamaiden
    March 5, 2008

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    This is a very abstract piece and I congratulate you on the gold you got for it. Much deserved. Thank you for sharing with me and keep writing poet. seamaiden ♥


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    March 4, 2008

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    this is just bursting withs tunning imageryt hat comes alive ont the page. it si beautriful well done on the gold


  • Valley Girl silver member
    March 2, 2008
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    Lots of imagery, Congrats on the gold, and thanks for sharing.


  • TizMoi
    March 2, 2008

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    very well written indeed. Can see why you got gold. Heart felt emotion throughout reading this. Thanks for sharing.


  • delightfulmess silver member
    March 2, 2008

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    Very creative and unique
    Excellent job and look at that shiney golden
    beauty... ~whistles~ Well deserved.


    Delila


  • And Hyetal
    March 2, 2008

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    I like the use of the color in your poem. There's emotion in this poem, and the reader can really feel it. I think this poem is a work of art!

    ~Cassie


  • Perception
    March 2, 2008
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    hmmm... This is wonderfully written, and I really every line. Very descriptive... and very filled with emotion.. I thought this piece was really powerful... and you summed that up well through your lines, as you reached the last... You really pulled it together.

    ~wonderful job


  • just.a.phase.
    March 2, 2008

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    This is beautiful. I particularly like the last line - a sudden concept you point out right at the end of the poem. A very powerful and thought provoking way to end it off.
    Well done.

  • pruedence
    March 2, 2008

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    Deep emotions run through out this poem. Love the lay out and the direct wording with hidden meanings. Lovely, love does come in different shades of color...even yellow..thanks for sharing


  • MoonLight Poet
    March 1, 2008

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    Your best indeed. Powerful, true, heartfelt and thoughtful piece.
    I visited this page with an intention to read just the abstract of it and leave my peripheral opinion merely to enjoy the stars and points it give. I'm new to commenting and loved the way the points are given to each commenters. But this poem stopped me to give my complete attention. I did enjoy the complete read.
    - Until death do us apart - I understand the real depth of this one.
    - It was best to keep things artificial - I could relate this to many of my gone days where I just cherished and saved all artificial things like greeting cards, pencils, pens, clips and many, but only later I realized what I missed is something flesh-and-blood that would give me life, not mere memories... - I am not sure, my take and my interpretation to this particular is at least remotely related to what you intented to say..

    It crosses all stages and final lines about Fall is captivating.

    I enjoyed this one, a lot.

    • JustBe gold member
      March 3, 2008
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      Thank you sincerely for commenting

      I really love it when people take the time to give their personal reactions to poems I've written. It took forever to feel like I'd finished this one, and reading your comment makes me feel like I really communicated with a reader. For me, that is the whole point of art.
      ~Morgan


  • LanguishedLad
    March 1, 2008

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    interesting

    well penned but for my likings a little too much mteaphor. still it was an enjoyable read and keep up the good wriiting


  • grannyeri gold member
    March 1, 2008

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    Can see where this takes top spot in the abstract category - here and there, back and forth, seen and unseen. Liked it though, very unique and different. That last line really finishes it off well too. Way to go with gold!


  • PerfectImperfection
    March 1, 2008

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    This is an incredible piece of emotion... You weave such a bittered grasp of goodbyes, swollen within a sort of revelation that came too late. Excellent use of imagery; creative and so very poignant. The sadness lies more in the beauty that almost was, but seemed to withstand that everlasting in seasons. Great write!

    • JustBe gold member
      March 3, 2008

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      Wow, you really got this the way I wrote it. Thank you so much for commenting. I work like a slave lately, so the muse has been on the shelf for awhile. It really did me good to read such a personal reaction.
      My best to you,
      Morgan


  • poetryality silver member
    January 27, 2008

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    Yellow is my favorite color so the last line enthralled me. I love the double-talk you've used in this abstract writ. It seems like you might be one of those people who thinks before they speak or begins to speak and then thinks before they continue to speak. All in all this poem made me read it twice, and I tell ya, I thought I had commented on this a while back but then I suffer from C.R.S. so, maybe I simply meant to comment on this work.

    Anyway...Congratulations on the Gold and I am glad that Joy (PlayfulPassion) sent me your way.



    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee


  • HeavenonEarth
    January 26, 2008

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    A quite unique write here. It's full of double innuendos as if you were going back & forth just like a couple in a state of bitter argument. In the exchange of heated words it's always brought up- the promises that were made and broken. To me, it's as if this were being viewed by a child's eyes. Or possibly the inner child that lies within these two. The last line is filled with such sadness...

    "You never mentioned yellow, Love."

    I do think you achieved what you were looking for with this. The sadness remains..

    • JustBe gold member
      March 3, 2008
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      Thank you so much for commenting. This is a very personal write for me, and it is so gratifying to read about it when people react to the feeling behind the details I wasn't sure anyone else would see. I am quite abashed that it took me so long to get back to you.


  • kvwriter silver member
    January 18, 2008
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    Very different, Morgan. Many lines could be read one way then another, but on the whole, I believe you are writing about just keeping promises because words are powerful and we grow because of living up to what we say we're going to be and/or do. Again, very different. Enjoyed!--Kel


  • jantastic
    January 9, 2008
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    I'll be back


  • creationsfromheart
    January 8, 2008
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    a nice poem however it counl use some punctuations

    • JustBe gold member
      January 8, 2008
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      Thank you

      I am a grammar enthusiast, so I can appreciate your hankering for punctuation. Unfortunately, it just won't work in this poem (and not for lack of effort on my part). It totally wrecks the effect I am going for. The poem is rife with multiple interpretations, and consists almost entirely of lines that can be read more than one way, and the second I put, say, a comma where it looks like it should go, the other way of reading that line goes away. I ultimately had to settle for well-placed line breaks, caps at the beginnings of new lines, and triple-spaces in the spots where I wanted people to pay close attention to perspective. You'll notice that the last line is fully punctuated. That's because it's an aside from the rest of the poem.
      Thank you for reading, and I much appreciate your critical input. Goodness knows we could use a whale of a lot more of that around these parts.
      Best,
      Morgan


      • polly filla
        January 15, 2008
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        I understand what you're saying about your punctuation---"rife multiple interpretations" pretty much sums it up and punctuation/lack of is key

        although, not everybody can pull it off, let alone 'get it'

        I enjoyed your work, thanks


  • rite
    January 4, 2008

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    In the narrow range of the spectrum that allows us to see and live we try to tie down and immobilize whatever we think is true, so that we may refer to it later in order to call others liars or ignorant fools. But things change continuously and the truth is better than Houdini could ever dream to be. Perhaps we are living one huge lie while hoping to one time arrive at an eternal truth of which we understand nothing whatsoever now. I enjoyed reading and pondering over your poetical take on the process of yellowing. May you do well in the contest. Take care,

    AD

    • JustBe gold member
      January 4, 2008
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      It's funny, really. As I wrote this, I had absolutely no idea that I was talking to myself. Only figured that out after I learned how to let go a little.


  • Lute
    January 4, 2008

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    content- 7.7
    vocabulary-11
    accuracy-7.8
    creativity-7.8
    theme-7.5
    originality-7.6

    totals-49.4

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