Lying
on a plastic mat,
lying here,
on a dark green plastic mat.
I'm lying.
I'm lying but telling you the truth about it.
Lying.
I'm lying on this mat, dressed in jail orange.
Lying for my misdeed (s).
Lying.
Alone
in this holding cell
I'm lying alone all alone
in this cold cold jail cell.
And why now do I think to tell you what
I'm going to do when I don't know,
no I don't know.
Author notes
Work in progress still. When is the deadline again now?
A contest entry
- Spontaneous vs. Contrived Combust by ErrantHeart.
600 points, ended February 13, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A work in progress
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I don't see your revision.
I can't properly judge this entry without the revision so, alas, must remove this from consideration. You have procrastinated yourself out of the running. 
but I do thank you for your initial entry.
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thanks for writing this
It conjures issolation comtemplating defiance -
Hi. I plan to close this contest for judging Jan. 31, as I think it has pretty well wound down. Do you think you'll get your revised version in by then? Please let me know, as I can, if needs be, allow a smidgen more time.
Thanks again for your entry thus far. -
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Thank you Heart for the reminder, I'll work on this
today and give you an answer by tomorrow. I do appreciate the reminder.
Thanks also for using the word smidgen. You have made my morning. Better than black coffee hot and fresh.
Even better than coffee sugared and creamed to taste. -
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You're welcome.
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im so lost.
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It certainly needs some filling in because it just doesn't really say much of interest or tell any kind of story. Sorry but it just seems too easy
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a bit too much repetition but its a good start! keep working on it and good luck in the contest :-)
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Has potential, but doesn't yet deliver
Way too much repetition. And I agree with the last reviewer that when the poem actually starts, it is a bit of a letdown because there just isn't much there.
It's a great image- a person in jail, lying on a mat. But I think you need to do more with it. The repetition works against the poem, and as it is, there isn't too much "meat." If you cut out that repetition, you really only have one line.
I think you need to go back to the drawing board on this one. Don't dump it. The image is a great one. I won't give any suggestions because it has to come from you, but I'd say work on this and don't let it fall by the wayside because it has potential. -
I didn't like this, i'm afraid. The beginning is repetitive, not in an impactful way, but a dull way that amde we wait impatiently for you to get to the point. WHen you did there was so little actual poem left I was disspaointed. The lines
"And why now do I think to tell you what
I'm going to do when I don't know,"
Are a little heavy handed too, took me ages to figure them out, they seem oddly worded. I'd let that one slide tohugh 'cause I am very tired so it could be my fault there.
Sorry, but not my thing xxx -
minotinous
Lying on a green plastic mat
wearing jailhouse orange jumpsuit
Lying but telling the truth to you
Lying alone in a jail cell
On a very cold plastic mat
how can i think to tell you
what I will do
when i don't even know myself
you repetitively used the word lying and that became a little minotinous
please don't feel offended please forgive my bluntness and boldness good effort
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Love it
i like this alot...i got it straight away this is the poetry i love to read...keep up the good work
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nice. i like the repeating a lot.
but just a little confused. until the end i was straight but is this person innocent for what he/she got put in jail for?
and i think you should put a comma here, to make it flow better:
'And why now, do I think to tell you what'
its easier read for me.
anyways, great piece, even tho im just a bit confused.
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Ah, this is a very interesting read. It has a nice flow and leads the eyes along. I like the duplicity. I am intrigued. Eager to see the finished product and to begin the compare.
Thanks for entering.
As for the deadline, I keep moving it in two week increments...so you have all the time in the world. I can't wrap this puppy up until all edited/contrived versions are in.
So remember to insert your edited version just beneath your spontaneous piece for ease of comparing/dissecting.
I want to encourage you to comment on the other entrants work too, so we can all kind of counter discuss and offer opinions as to which versions you prefer and if meaning seems to have changed much and such.
Adding your comment:
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