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addicted - revised

Feelings of abnormality
sweat dripping down spine that shivers
I need it, I need it now
scent, smells just the taste of it
craves the day past when I felt Nirvana

Ecstasy falling from my eyelids

 

Heartbeats racing, marathon running

in place yet searching, hoping

Can I get it, have it, one last time


when the next time will be the last time

and the last time will be the next

I'm fraught with weakness

displaced by distance

covered in despair

But will I, can I ever hold it

keep it from leaving

me

 

 

*rough spontaneity/ smooth contrive*

 

What are these thoughts and feelings that has come over me

What are the emotions and depth of my soul that fades

It awakens me, sleeps besides me, holds me tightly

strangling me gently, laying my dreams on the pillows of tomorrows


My senses are aroused by this denial,

Frustrated by this rejection

Tasting emptiness, blinded by numbness that sits in the corner

waiting on the time to return

Cancerous arteries flow slowly, reversing its travel

returning to its initial injection of this

carcinogenic

That flows within me with rapid progression

I fall prey to this weakness

Again

and again


tears wash the face of jealous obsession

as hours speaks to the moments, holding

minutes at bay. I can't breathe.

I can't sleep.

Trapped in an emotional enigma

of why,

this has chosen me


Author notes

Being in love

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • natchstucco
    February 4, 2008

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    curious tones of bewilderment. It does'nt choose you...you choose it. one simple mistake in life will/ may end it in tragedy. so many struggle with addictions because of lack of social/family warnings...


    • Mykeee
      February 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Even with the warnings. How can you tell someone that love is a form of addiction? people experience things on their own level. Some fall for the simple pleasures to hide pain others actuallyinternalize. Which in its self is destructive - thanks for the read


  • wbiro gold member
    January 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    many fragmented thoughts/images in the first piece, can't get a handle on what it's about... a second, determined read ties it into the title- addicted to reliving a past feeling... could be love, could be the rush sought one last time by an aging marathon runner...

    the rewrite and the author's comment cements it- love! The rewrite is so different from the first draft that you now have a first and second half of a complete piece!


  • ErrantHeart
    January 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Just a heads up that I plan to close this contest for judging Jan. 31.

    Thanks again for entering.

  • ErrantHeart
    January 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Mykeee, I'm a little confused. Just to clarify. Is the top poem the revised one and the lower one your spontaneous piece? Blushing here but I can't remember for certain.

    Not knowing for sure I'm still going to go ahead now and assess it as though that is the case and then we shall see what we shall see, shall we.

    I prefer the bottom version, it had so many beautiful lines and lead me so softly forward to discovery and finally to that powerful ending

    "of why,
    this has chosen me".

    I think that beginning with two questions effectively shows doubt and confusion and turmoil.

    I would honestly have enjoyed more had you just pared down a wee bit, perhaps by dropping a few superfluous words here and there. To me you have chosen to drop some really valuable and beautiful lines.

    The versions have definitely changed. The upper poem is good, but is vastly different from the other, to me it's like reading two separate poems, which I find surprising!

    Unless of course I am reading these submissions in the wrong order! Do enlighten.

    I'm kind of glad this confusion occurred because it disallowed my being ruled by any subconscious favoritism in preferences and factors. Since I've yet to learn if I prefer the contrived or spontaneous piece.





    • Mykeee
      January 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      LOl!!! Its ok and I really thank you for actually taking the time. The first part was the spontaneous piece. I slowed down and exaimed my feelings of what I felt on the second one.

      The first was the struggle of wondering what was going on. While the second version took a deep evaluation of these feelings.
      Sense love is addictive, I wanted to use similes of what drugs or poison would do in your body if you allow the additive emotion of love take over. This is where the second version goes with exaiming that feeling.

      The first is just what the HECK is going on with me? This feeling just takes over a body and the mind has not realized what it is.

      Thats how I sort of set it up. I'm glad you pulled something out of it. I hate the nice poem thingy. It doesn't help me write better.

      BTW - I like superflous words They jump out sometimes when the flow of the poem becomes too linear. Thanks for your great comments ~ Mykeee

      • ErrantHeart
        January 15, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Ha Ha. Okay, great! So I definitely prefer the contrived piece, you have filled out and fluffed up and enhanced the first version quite beautifully.

        As far as superfluous, the only superfluousness I refer to is perhaps the "that has" in the first line and a few other small, insignificant words that pop out and slightly disrupt the flow of the read. More of a tightening as opposed to any eradication. I would not suggest any large chunks of change. I found it more than satisfying.


  • raingoddess gold member
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Love it

    I love how you have extended this poem, burning up with an obsession, a lust , one wants, one may not know why they want it, trapped in an emotional enigma, puzzled over this deep love filled with lust, but it continues to grow rapidly like a cancer, infecting every part of you, physically, sexually and emotionally. Excellent extention of your poem my friend, thank you for sharing and keep them coming.

    raingoddess


  • Freestyle Bushido
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this revision, I feel the revision kind of did away with alot the orignal, and presented in more upfront manner then the first draft. However this holds the same truths and feeling expressed in part 1. All in all both of them dynamic works. Always I'm impressed. Keep writing, me and you might have to collab when. I feel we think alike on many issue & with our unique writer styles we can probably with deep stuff. If you're intrested let know and feel free to drop some idea.

    Much luv and respect.


  • Ephiphany
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I REALLY love the revision...

    of Spontaneous emotions, feeling trapped and strangled oh so gently, while the frustration turns this person on, in excitement it's an overwhelming piece that embraces the soul of a Poet like listening to the river flowing in the winter...calm, but rages at a certain time in bliss. Loved this

    ephiphany♥


    • Mykeee
      January 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, always a pleasure to hear your thoughts ~ mikeeee


  • ennovy silver member
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant Writer & Dynamic Poet

    Well after reading this revised version, I say it a lot on your plate. So take one bite at a time and chew well. I too recall the thin line between love and hate you spoke of....I see a clear cut case of: life/work & love/lust eating away at this mans soul and he's enjoying every minute of it....because spontaneous you are.....but don't combust Son...novy

  • raingoddess gold member
    January 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    This is an excellent write Michael, I think that we all can relate with this poem, it not only sounds like the addiction of love but also lust, but as you once said you believe there is a very thin line between love and lust, I agree lust can combine with love, after all if you don't lust for the one you love, what do you have? Excellent write, thank for sharing and keep them coming.

    raingoddess


    • Mykeee
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you sweetheart - you take great notes

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    January 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The title is a concise introduction and apt as a summary.Love is a very addictive drug.The poet pens the physical changes that arise alongside the emotional with a breathless delivery which is indictitive of the anticipation and the duality of the dread of losing the sweetest feeling.My only suggestion is perhaps to edit "sweats" to "sweat" as at both read throughs it caused me to pause, as always, a perspective shared and not a criticism per se dear poet.

    • Mykeee
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Done my friend and I always appreciate your suggestions and intimate details. Its useful and refreshing ~ Mykeeee

  • ErrantHeart
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It's amazing how so often spontaneous pieces do really fall so beautifully into place with hardly a tickle.

    Looking forward to the edited version so the comparisons and discussions can begin.

    Thanks for your wonderful entry.


    • Mykeee
      January 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much. Trying to balance work and creativity today. I will get it done.

  • ennovy silver member
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent Write; My Son

    This when you really shine. At that spontanous moment as passion raises to meet you eye to eye. I love when you write this way. I remember this poet from long ago...You have a knack of pouring out your soul in metaphoric beauty. All I can say is write on!...novy

    • Mykeee
      January 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      smiling!!

      Thanks mom! I love when I get the challenge to create. I have to make the edited version but this one is a good way to be me. Thanks for knowing that mom ~ yr son

    • Mykeee
      January 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      smiling!!

      Thanks mom! I love when I get the challenge to create. I have to make the edited version but this one is a good way to be me. Thanks for knowing that mom ~ yr son

    • Mykeee
      January 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      smiling!!

      Thanks mom! I love when I get the challenge to create. I have to make the edited version but this one is a good way to be me. Thanks for knowing that mom ~ yr son

  • Freestyle Bushido
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is really good, love the blunt straight foward feeling mixed into deep metaphors. This came out really good. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Ephiphany
    January 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Damn!

    All I gotta say is sizzzlin HOT
    Great job!
    CC♥

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