pissing me off [[not a poem]]

Normally I would blog on myspace or something, but there are a few people i want to read this that dont get on myspace or anywhere else that i would normally rant and whatever.

I'm getting pissed off.
And I'm seriously tired of always being:
A. pissed off
B. sad
C. both a and b
D. none of the above [aka emotionless because im so angry or w/e... maybe that doesnt make sense to you but it does to me]

I just want to see him.
And I feel like he doesn't even care.
Then I get all mad at myself for caring so much, and saying the same things to him over and over again.

Then I wish I could go into more detail about another problem- but i don't want certain people to know about that. but yeah so i'm just getting all fucking stressed out. Then my friend Steven who rides my bus he keeps telling me i should quit smoking- and I know I should but like I told him today; if i quit smoking- i'd kill myself.
It's a really weird thing to say about Quitting smoking, but yeah that's seriously how I feel.
Then he tells me that there's other ways to deal with stress or whatever he said.
And I said yeah like hurting myself?
Playing hit for hit?
Scratching at my skin until it's raw and sore.
Cutting myself [tho i really don't ever want to do that again after seeing what my friend did to her arm. it was horrible and it made me want to throw up- call me a pussy or what you want, but unless you seen it and you knew her how i know her then you don't have the fucking right to judge me damnit]
And the only other things I can think of other than smoking cigarettes to calm myself or whatever is getting drunk or smoking pot.
Which if ya think about it, not really all that better than cigarettes, right?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I'm just so angry right now.
And I'm so tired of being angry.

I love my friends, and I don't know if I'd be here if it wasn't for them:
Jolene
Reebecca
Jason
Alicia
Mikey
Steven [from the bus]
&&
Brittany- because even tho we don't hang out much anymore we're still closer than any of my other friends... maybe we don't know everything that's going on in each others lives anymore like we used to- but we have a special connection that will never be lost. i know it.