Each night he sat to wait for her to call
Waiting with nothing but the telephone
He knows that she will never call at all
Yet still he sits and watches all alone
In sixty years she called him just three times
The only times they spent the night apart
Yet now he waits to hear the phone bell chimes
So that he knows his life again can start
Each day he lives and sees the world go by
Each night is torture for his heart to bear
No warm and loving arms where he can cry
Just waiting knowing she's not really there
She died tonight she never knew her name
Alzheimer's stole the ending of their game
Author notes
I have no idea where that comes from, I've wanted to write a half decent sonnet for years, but not a desperately sad one like that.
They are not a real couple, but then again, they probably were...
A contest entry
- Contest for many types of poems, Prewrites allowed. by Systems Malfunction.
500 points, ended January 30, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me cry.... by AutumnsFlame.
670 points, ended January 19, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Simply Sad by Dorcha Runda.
420 points, ended May 26, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me burst out in tears with your words by KaseyL.
600 points, ended May 9, 2008, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please comment below. Spelling or rhyming or scanning corrections welcome.
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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this is quite sad and beautiful.
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awww you definetly have the sad factor here! Good job! My only real complaint is that you could use more imagery... Other than that, I enjoyed this. Thank you for entering my contest.
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wow, I like this!
In your 7th line, I think the last word should be "chime", singular - but that is just my thought on it.
My dad did this...he passed away in July from cancer. He was in the same nursing home my mother is in. And every day dad would wait for me to wheel mom in. Alzheimer's is very sad....the best of your memories are gone.
Anyways.....this is well done. Great wording and images.
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To be a singular chime she would have had to phone him just the once!
I don't know where my poem came from, but it was intended to emphasise that sometimes "death" comes well after the person has to all real intents died. The man waiting by the phone can neither grieve nor continue with the life he wants and needs. Robbed by the frailty of the mind.
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The rhyme scheme was kind of awkward, however I must say I was surprised by the content of this work. Thats where it truly shined. I expected something completely different. Good job!
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Awww, this is a sad write. I really enjoyed reading it though. Full of emotion and imagery. I'm sure many can relate. Wonderful job, thanks for sharing.
HxS
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sounds alot like me
this was well done my friend. very impressed with it and your ways of hitting the chord and bringing tears to my eyes.
missed ya friend.
Tory
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Thankyou for sharing such a powerfull piece of work!!!
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So real that someone would want to be contacted by their partner/parent/child suffering from Alzheimers. Waiting on the line whilst it makes the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm noise.
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They are real...
They were my grandparents.
My grandfather left love notes for my grandmother every day and called her each morning to see that she had read them...
It must have killed them both inside to know this would be what would happen to them as Alzheimers would claim his brillinat and loving mind...
In the end my grandfather died and never again spoke my grandmothers name...
Much like the call in your story that would never come...sighs...
This is a beautiful write..
Thank you so much for sharing such compassion!
Peace and many blessings
Best wishes with this entry..
~A~
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How sad! this really shows the way alzheimer's affects all people.This really moved me.Maybe because sonnets intrigue me.Good luck in the contest!
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In my opinion this is a most sad but good write on an illness that kills a person long before they leave us. Your poem may well be from your imagination but it is acted out in real life in many homes throughout the world. I am not in to technicalities of poetry in any way. I know what I like and that is anything that hits me in the heart and/or makes me think and you certainly do that. You write to suit yourself and if others like it too then that is a bonus. We are all ordinary folk on here so ordinary language is preferred by most, otherwise we would probably not be here at all. I am an amateur at writing and recognise that fact and I would never presume that I know better than you do how you have your thoughts in your head. If I were educated enough to point out errors then there are diplomatic ways of pointing these things out. You keep doing what you do as many people comment how much they enjoy your writes and thank you for sharing them.
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ya there are thousands of them
sad to say
but you wrote this poem with compassion and sorrow
great work
i wrote one on the same subjet
sad isnt
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beautiful
this is a wonderful poem. very sad. but it really shows the true side of Alzheimer's and how it effects others.
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that is really sweet.it's kinda sad but still real good
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This is such a great poem and highlights this disease. It is so sad when something like this happens. Well done for such a heartfelt poem. And all the best in the contest.
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They're more real than you know. So many have lost their lives, in more ways than one, to the awful Alzheimer's. I've watched way too many sad cases. This is really touching and deep.
Storm
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I really like this poem. Yes, it was sad and there was probably a couple like this, but it just puts into aspect how you may have been feeling. I write some really good poems, then write bad ones. My best come when I am down, or just in different. Keep up the great writing.
Ray
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moving
That's heartbreaking; I have to admit, Alzheimer's is one of the things that really scares me.
A beautiful, simple sonnet. I'd have put more punctuation in, but I suppose that's personal taste.
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Actually although it is a matter of personal taste in the case of almost all my poems it is a combination of sloth and forty odd years of not getting it right!
I always write in my head not on paper so the words are where I want them, but the punctuation doesn't make a sound to remind me to put it in!
Thank-you for the reminder I shall read it through tomorrow and try to fix it.
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Original and Fine
Of course when you use a language of simplicity, there are the few who will criticize your work in an ugly fashion. Poetry is whatever you want it to be, no matter who's "cup of tea" it is, it can't be anything other than perfect. Writing is for the writer, the observing viewers have their opinions. I understand the emotion that this is coming from, and that's enough to make it a fine write to me. I'm not like the others. I don't want to criticize or help "fix" anybody's work. For me, once the words are written, they might as well be engraved in stone. Don't change your style, write whatever is perfection to you. My seven year old niece wrote a poem about birds. Yeah, it sucked, but from my perspective, it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever read. I'm rambling. Good job. -
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At last....
someone who is prepared to let work stand and see its good points. I think I love you!! xx -
Thanks for the comment, actually I like comments on style or suggestions, I am always prepared to listen and learn. Doesn't mean I have to agree but as well as writing for me I like to write for others, this is partly I guess because for about 40 years I showed about 6 poems of the thousands I had "written" to anyone else, so I've written enough purely for me!
And yes I have things written by my own children that are miles better than Shakespeare!
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Very sad and very well written. And very real.
Good luck with it.
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Very beautiful
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Forced Commonality
Repeated common nouns and simplistic end rhymes, along with a rhythm that can best be described as "gravel road with speed bumps", this "sonnet" is far from true form--HOWEVER--the story is a sad one, and could be made into a nice piece. This isn't it. I would try again, buy a thesaurus, bump up the language, and work on the flow of your lines. Maybe read some of the masters like Petrarch, Ronsard, and Shakespeare. -
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Sorry (to an extent) for that first reply, you are entitled, of course, to your opinion and I am grateful to you for expressing it. If you feel that the poem could be worked into something you would enjoy then please feel free to make the attempt.
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I have always thought the habit of amateur poets of using "poetic" language rather than speaking in their own voice is one of the greatest reasons why so much poetry goes unread. To me the simpler and more direct the expression the better.
The poem is intended to display the lack of any purpose in this man's life, he has no highs only lows, to over-elaborate the language and concoct clever rhyme would detract from that message.
As for the "true" form of sonnet which particular true form are you aiming for? My rhyming scheme is Shakespearian, he was of course very late to the party I could go with Petrach and envelope rhyme I suppose, it does consist of 14 lines although there are accepted forwms with 12, 13, 14, 16 and 17 lines. I will grant it is not iambic pentameter although it is decasyllabic neither of which are universal.
The flow does not have as rigid a pattern as I should like, to that I plead guilty, but although as I said in my notes it is a "sonnet" I would far rather write a poem than fit too closely to any given form and the flow works for me. As for reading sonnets I suggest you spread your wings a little wider, try Donne and Milton amongst the early English masters of the form and then look on a hundred years or more to Johnson and Wordsworth and then further through Keats (he of course rarely obeyed rules and even devised his own form of sonnet) and even to some of the better exponents on AP.
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Sorry I said anything
I guess the old addage is true: if you don't have something good to say, say nothing at all! I was harsh, in retrospect, and obviously hit a sore spot. If you love your style, then I wouldn't put your poetry up to be commented on. I think we should all realize that poetry is art, and as such, is to be improved upon. You don't become an instant master. If, on the other hand, you only are writing for yourself, to excersise some demon or fulfill some inner passion, then it's all good. Whatever gets you through the night, it's alright. But to ask for feedback and suggestions without actually wanting it is disingenuous. Maybe all you want are pats on the back. Sorry, I couldn't give you that. I still stick by my original thought: a great story not fully realized poetically. You can use common language to great effect, true, but not using the word "call" twice in the first two lines. To me this poem looked like a first draft. It has the makings of something good, but a sonnet it is not. A sonnet implies form and art. It isn't a free verse. It purports itself to be artistic and something hard to achieve. The originator of the form is the best, and the source I would meditate upon if "sonnet" be your goal. If the poetry is only for yourself, and you love it, well then, why ask for any other opinion? -
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I would hate to dissuade anyone from critiquing any poetry, and not liking it is fine with me, the problem with your first comment was it did not actually contain anything usable as criticism.
"Best be described as" followed by a cliche, says nothing something along the lines of metre changes in stanza 3 line 3, or even more simply "sonnets should be in iambic pentameter" would suggest you had looked critically.
Repeated common nouns, which ones? In your reply you specify and I can look at that and evaluate, as it happens I don't agree with you, call twice in the first three lines might well be a problem, but I think here it says what I wanted it to, but the suggestion to look back at that is helpful.
The word sonnet has created argument throughout the last few hundred years, Shakespeare's sonnets for instance broke the traditional rhyming pattern, are they sonnets? A generalised observation to read more great poets is always good advice, but hardly useful as a critique of any amateur poet, taking what you have learned from your reading of those poets and applying it to your fellows here would be not only good advice, but useful. (again the use of a repeated word).
I ask for other opinions so I can improve my writing, generalised observations do not help me to do that, any points that catch someone else's eye do.
However I do genuinely thank you for reading and I am sorry that I did not provide you with what you were seeking. If there are any identifiable features of any of my poems that you believe I can improve upon I should always be grateful to be told.
My original reply was harsh, and I apologised for that immediately afterwards. That reply and apology would fall foul of the strictures in this reply, and for that I again apologise.
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i desided to check this out because it has the same name as one of mine.
and this is nothing like mine, mine is of teen angst this is of the love between a guy that remembers and an alzhimers victim(girl)
touches me slightly, but not my cup of tea.
Keep writing
Hey, Have a good day. -
this is rly sad. my mammaw has alzheimers
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very sad, and well written. You have highlighted this condition in a sensitive and loving way...best to you in the contest ~blessings always ~Trisha~
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This broke my heart, my Grandfather is at the beginging stages of Alzheimer's and it is so hard knowing oneday something like this could happen he is a strong powerful man and it kills him knowing his future is bleak. Thanks for sharing this with me best of luck in contest
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This was WOW!!!!!!!
This was WOW!!! I didn't expect that ending, this is so beautiful and heart wrenching you have done a magnificient poem here, made me feel like crying. wow!
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wow
thats so sad
Each day he lives and sees the world go by
Each night is torture for his heart to bear
No warm and loving arms where he can cry
Just waiting knowing she's not really there
i love those lines a lot.
so many people have alzheimers and its a sad tale to tell how their life is affected every day
my grandfather has it and he has to use rubberbands that he wraps around his wrists just so he can remember to get the mail or let the cat outside...
heart breaking
this poem is very well written and i like how you portray his feelings or the setting of the situation
fabulous write.
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This poem was so...I don't even know the right words. It was amazing and so very sad. I've worked with he elderly and Alzhimer patients before, they were some of the kindest people I had ever met, and I still visit them. I actually knew a couple that...this would fit perfectly to. Bravo on your write, keep up the great work.
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they proably were...
Well you were correct about the desperately sad part! But the poem itself is great. What a sad insidious thing Alzheimer's is! The thief of memories! Good luck in the contest!
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Gripping
so sad..I have worked on an Alzheimer's unit in a Veteran's home for 12 years..it is so hard..for the patients who at first know of their illness then for their families who get kicked or spit on or don't know their name either..a very tragic disease..and a cure is soo needed..to much suffering..thanx for sharing excellent write.. and best of luck in the contest
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its very good and all but i do have a grammatical situation that might be my wrong interpretation. in line 17 i think it is, you said "she never knew her game". don't you mean "he never knew her game"?
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Name rather than game, and he knows her name and every inch of her, they have been deeply in love for most of 60 years but now she is in a nursing home in the final stages of dementia and has just died knowing nothing at all, not even her name.
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this poem is beautiful. I think this style suits your writing style. You should definitely write more poems like this. The last two lines were my favourite -
This is truly wonderful! You should write more sonnets. I think you will find it to be your favorite form and it’s easy to get comfortable with it. Penned in decasyllable the image here is emotionally sad and you nailed that image well. The flow is on target. You created a subtle volta at L9 which is the mark of a good sonnet.
Love,
Amera♥
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Thank-you for that, from a master of sonnets praise on a sonnet means a lot.
I'm pretty sure it won't ever be my favourite form, too hard to inject a "skippy" beat but I shall write more.
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you may be still waiting to write that half decent sonnet. This reads incredibly flat off the page with predictible end rhymes and the last couplet that reads quite frankly like rhyming panic. You need to infuse a greater heartbeat through the piece and less lifeless narrative. Maybe if you read a bit more Shakespeare it will become immediately apparent why this never really got off the lauhching pad.
David -
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I'm sorry it didn't work for you and yes I know I 'm not Shakespeare! However the flat tone is deliberate and matched to the subject matter, content must be king.
Rhyming panic? hmmmm many things I've been accused of but rarely that.
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They and many like them are Very Real. You have captured the heart breaking nature of this condition so beautifully.
No-one could read this and not be moved by it. The sonnet lends itself perfectly to this subject, and a wonderful one you have written too.
In answer to your question, yes, it did make me cry!
All the best in the contest...
Sue
xx
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My God I didnt expect that...I know the title should have indicated it wasnt a happy read, but wholy cow I just didnt expect to be hit so hard. man, what an emotional and touching poem. Its heartwrenching. Besides all the emotional turmoil it caused...this is a wonderful write. Excellent.
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This touched my heart. There are couples like that, I am one of them. My husband has dementia which is an on set to Alzheimer's. What you wrote is very true.
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Excellent write
Yes their are many who memory takes the life of a lifetime away in the blink of an eye so very sad indeed
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Holy crap... that is probably one of the SADDEST things I have ever read in my life. I cannot even begin to tell you how much that breaks my heart. To think of a love that has lasted... SIXTY years! I mean... there is nothing sweeter than that in the world and I think that is what makes it so heartbreaking. This is more than half decent. This actually brought tears to my eyes (a nearly impossible achievement) Great job!
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Good to know I can write something well other than erotic, pictures and nonsense! Thank-you for the compliment, it nearly made me cry writing it too!
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