Shut the windows to your eyes
another breath sighs on by
falling to dreams to stroke the sky,
to sooth the pain, to drown the cry.
It's hard to die into the sun
the stone cold face you've become
watching others laugh and come
while you stand frozen cold and numb.
The seconds drag us closer to the grave
you watch them tick and scratch away.
You're sick of waiting for the one,
who'll wait and love you till they're done.
On this plain of earth and rock
you stand alone, the one forgot
your heart may beat
your blood may run
your eyes may blister from the sun.
You hope to feel
you hope to fly
you hope it all doesn't pass you by
in this big waiting room beneath the sky.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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At first the rythm seemed a bit broken, but the poem really accelerates as it goes on, the imagery sort of takes you along. The last stanza is very well-written, and probably my favourite part.
Excellent job.
It's all very reflective. Or something... -
Exquisitely done. You've done a very nice job explaining how we basically wait for death to come. Job well done.
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i enjoy it a lot. it rings so true, and it's a great metaphor for earth, a waiting room.
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"watching others laugh and come" - the 'come' sounds like you were just looking for a random word that'd rhyme well.
"you'll wait and love you till they're done." - who'll or you'll??
You have two references to the sun. It works well though.
"in this big waiting room beneath the sky." I love this line.
"The seconds drag us closer to the grave" and this one, don't change it either. lol
Thank you for writing such a powerful piece.
- Lucidlove
As to everyone: You don't have to take my suggestions, or even like em.
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Wow. I could sit here for hours and hours reading your poetry. You have an amazing way with words that makes me want to keep reading and reading. Your awesome.
sam
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This is a good piece, it started strong and well flowing, but I must admit that the ending stanza is a little choppy and disrupts the general look and feel of the piece. Mind you, I do like the piece, just being honest But the first three, I do like alot
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God this is making me want to cry right now. The last stanza's really got to me, really good job though and glad to see you back!
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thank you canvas, glad to be back..
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This is such a brilliant poem. I really loved reading through this. The imagery is great and I loved the last line. "in this big waiting room beneath the sky". I never really thought about it in this kind of way. Well done, this is great.
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this is a beautifully writen, emotion fuelled piece of poetry and I LOVED IT!!
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This was very strange... in all honesty it reminded me of a dream I had in which I continuously died and would go to heaven... In my dream, Heaven was a waiting room that you sat in and waited to be placed in another body down in earth... it was bizarre! If you don't mind me asking what was it that inspired you to write this. I wanted to mention that I liked the rhyming.
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what inspired me to write this was for me, at the moment, the world just seems like a big massive waiting room. I think we're all, no matter who you are or what stage of your life you're in, waiting for something. Be it love, better opportunities, news about something or whatever. We're all just waiting..
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your poem is very saddening. there isnt one specific part that i really like the most. every piece needs the rest to complete your work of art. the line "Your sick of waiting for the one," stood out the most, though. i loved it.
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very lonely poem,
Well written. You might be surpised to know that many other feels the same way..you are not alone.
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