I see you, now, for what you were
and who you'll never be...
adrift like some dismasted ship
long mazed upon the sea
I must have seemed a lifeline then-
to sad and dreamless eyes-
for one who had forgotten hope
'neath bruised and swollen skies
An island, me- both fond and fresh
I stirred and never knew-
The wisplike dreams of distant kings
Awoke somewhere in you
Yes, You...Whose love I could not hold
Wove dreams to bring me pleasure
And still you do not realize
the loss- or in what measure
Yet in the night when stillness comes
To lift the weight of care
I long for what we never had…
And what we’ll never share.
Author notes
It isn't usually wise to write from too personal a place... I will admit to ulterior motives.
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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powerful
Tills, this is strong writing, and yes spawned from a place of clarity. Personal? Hell yes! Somewhere between an epiphany and a scathing indictment you peel back the layers of illusion to reveal tenderly that longing still resides there in humble silence.
The story line is deep and relatable and your metre and rhyming is gorgeous and unforced.
I am so pleased I stopped by.
Cheers,
ferg
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Not half as pleased as I.
Cheers, Henri x
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I say!!!
This is quite a remarkable piece. Others more knowledgeable than I have made comments enough. I just think this great.
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An island, me- both fond and fresh
I stirred and never knew-
The wisplike dreams of distant kings
Awoke somewhere in you
How masterly can these lines be...fond and fresh!!!
And yes my insight for the day is 'Wove dreams to bring me pleasure'. Word much oft thought 'bout but not so well express'd. And 'Yes...you' is one breathtaking transition-like in music.
On the flipside, the poem goes a bit downhill from the lines. However, give the end in a way is partly surprising and partly not, because in a way you expect something like this, but in a way you don't, you're never quite sure until you've come here.
The rhyme is so powerful that the iambs just leap out from the page. Considering that contemporary poetry tends to use rhymes mostly for irony, the use of rhymes to convey what you have conveyed is indeed commendable. Well done!
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Dear TillyMay
This is simply gorgeous! The drop-dead variety!
It is actually invigorating to see that this type of work can still be done.
I don't usually believe in muses and such, but in future, I will abstain from making any comments as regards their existence.
Best to you TillyMay!
John-Nevada
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I like your poem and your "ulterior motives".
Much to digest here.
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Now first thing I want to mention about this poem is that I actually can not remember I ever came across a rhyming piece that flowed so smoothly and naturally, and managed to hide the rhymes quite skilfully between the words.
I only came to realize there was a rhymescheme in this one when I came to the fourth stanza. I'm not a rhymer myself, and I'm not often impressed by rhyming poetry, but this poem, dear lady, definately managed to make me open my mouth in wonderment (if that is even a word).
There is quite a sad edge to this as well, although, I noticed a very strong and selfconscious person through these lines as well; you actually.
Great read, and most definately one of the best rhyming poems I've ever commented on
Leander
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Now
This is poetry my friend. Holmes would be proud and I say Bravo. A splendid write you have penned
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WOW!!!!!!!
My favorite part was....
"An island, me- both fond and fresh
I stirred and never knew-
The wisplike dreams of distant kings
Awoke somewhere in you".......... Brilliant
Well done here this is excellent.
Delila
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Although you may have had alterior motives for this and it might well be personal, it still captures, I fee, something that many of us have to deal with. I also felt that it would work just as well on the idividual level of one person coming to terms with themselves, that they are not the person that they thought they were, or hoped to be. The sense of loss that one might feel on realising that a dream was just that, if not worse.
The second verse is my favourite! -
Tilly, Sometimes we have to write like this to get things out of us the best way that we know how. This poem is far from mediocre as your emotions ran throughout the entire piece. It flowed effortlessly and it had such strength in your words. Thank you for sharing the gift of your pen with all of us. This is beautifully sad if that makes sense. Love and God bless you always, in all ways. Joyce
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Thank you Joyce- you're very kind and I've removed the self depricating bit, because it sounded too much like I was fishing for a compliment, when really I was trying to say that the intent- the gut of it- is far too intense, for me to do it justice with mere words.
Cheers for your lovely comment- and for always being so very nice. The world could do with a lot more Nice.
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You're quite welcome and no fishing at all was done. You spoke your heart's words and then added what you needed to in your notes. This was truly a magnificently penned piece. Your compliment leaves me very humbled.
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This poem is very beautiful, haunting, and it lilts like a tale of ghosts.
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
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Mediocraty, my dear, is something that's NEVER sullied your pages; no exception here. In all honesty, out of the hundreds of poets I've read here you are one of but few with true, genuine talent. One of even fewer whose poetry actually effects me; makes me feel some sort of emotion. Your style is the embodiment of poetry. Your poems are the epitomy of intelect, humor (when applied), and grace. THIS is what all poets should aspire to write like. No, miss J, mediocrity could not stir the deep dark recesses of my mind and heart like you unceasingly do. The rhythm of a drummer; rhyme, Blake-worthy, and imagery to put him to shame.
It's as if
you've slit
the wrist.... -
This poem is a wonder when read aloud, it is meant to be heard, not just seen. When poems resonate - as this one does, it happens on several levels, the most important is the sound it makes, second is the content (at least that's the way i see it) Some of the most inane songs today, containing strange lyrics, are popular because of how they sound...i think it carries over to the poetic venue as well. I admire poems like this, where the authenticity rings clear and crisply, the other parts of what critics bash are secondary…that your writing is genuine and resonates, has place within the heart and soul of the reader, are the most important issues.
blessings and best wishes, astralshepherd
~r.
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verygood
This is a beautiful poem what ever your reasons for writting it .I do write to much of my self in a poem its the only way I know .And I feel you have lots of feeling in this too.A lovely rhyme a pleasure to read and thats what its all about. welldone
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This is an amazing piece, with emotion and depth. Loved this.
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Wow I thought this was amazing. I loved the rhyme in it and the message is one in my own heart. How to move on without so much pain is still unknown to me. There are those you love forever and never forget. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing with us. Take care, Sandy
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Thank you Sandy- it is an all too common theme, but one that cuts so close to the heart, and affects the human soul in a myriad of different ways. Cheers for the kind comments- they are so appreciated. And I wish you well in your journey- the heart can be a trecherous thing, but it can also bring such joy- even in the midst of the pain. x
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Beautiful.
A beautifully sad poem that is so full of feeling and emotion that it pulls at he heart strings as you reminisce about what was to never be. The wonderful things are that you are left with the dreams and although only of hope, they are sacred to you and will always remain in your treasure chest of memories that you can take out on cold rainy days and feel the warmth that they still bring to you. Keep all the good things and throw out the bad and you will always be thankful for what you have, for to dream is life's greatest pleasure and gift.
Barry
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Damn, this is anything, but mediocre. It stands and delivers a strong validity of feeling's brought to a boil, through time. Indeed, a poem worth a bookmark...
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Cheers for the kind words, and I'm pleased you found something in it to connect with. The feelings...those damned feelings, always leading us astray.
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I often analyze my life through quotes. One the totally blows the door off our denial is...
"Actions speak louder than words"
(aka, By our actions we are known)
(aka, What you ARE speaks so loud, I can't hear
what you SAY)
We often run into problems in the aspect of love
for the giving of love never guarantees the return
of it and is in fact often hampered when ulterior
motives are there, for the only true love is
unconditional love.
In the end it is not love that has changed but rather us. It often amazes me that some people play at love and then wonder why it didn't turn out in the end.
I have seen that often over the years.
Denial too is a painful thing, and is the reason many wish to get back with those who have left them or remain with those they know they shouldn't because
they "love them".
We can't bring about change in others, only in self, so even our best intentions often do nothing in bringing about our "wants" over another's imagined wants or needs. The "choice" will ALWAYS be theirs...
Change can ONLY come when the person affected wishes it and not when we wish it for them.
The one thing I have learned about both love and life is that we have no control over what may come (the action), but we ALWAYS do have control over how we
REact to that action that life or love brings us.
There are but two choices in the end, yes or no,
maybe is not an option and only a gray area where man tries to have it his way. But if one asks questions and keeps reducing it to the simple yes and no answer, you will eventually arrive at truth in the end.
Yes, truth can often be painful, which is why we often try to avoid it at all costs, but as for me, I say
give me truth at all costs. For it is only then,
that we may truly arrive at the correct answer
in any situation.
In end there are but two choices to anything, both
or which we may not like, but one of which must be
taken in order to move on...
Wishing you a denial-free,truth-filled year in 2008
Hugs...Eddy
In "wanting" nothing I found I had everything...
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Cheers Eddy
Cheers Eddy- you have a knack for taking human nature and boiling it right down to the bones and finding the simple truths.
The truth is we all long for something that isn't real- that perfect and wonderful partner whom you can trust totally- who understands you and loves unconditionally... We sometimes want that so badly, we overlook things we shouldn't.
A girl hasn't given up the dream... just the silly blinders.
Ta mate, you are a wise man and a good friend.
x
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BRAVO!!!
Absolutely superb! Brilliantly conceived and masterfully done! The poem is excellent by any standard! I loved it, loved it, absolutely loved it!! BRAVO... BRAVO.. BRAVO......
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