Silently creeping in,
like the lioness watching her prey.
Enveloping the solitary heart,
simply for something to hold on to.
Frozen fingers gently pluck away
any hope of a companion's warmth.
While jagged teeth tear into
the hardened soul.
Whispering lies of worthlessness,
to keep his lover in his grasp.
With each potential suitor,
the lies and jealousy escalate.
He caresses his beauty,
reminding her of her weaknesses.
So long as her strength is kept secret,
he will feast.
A contest entry
- Making the Idea Personal by bachelorette.
875 points, ended January 20, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - feeling lost i want sappy stuff people by Pureisolation.
450 points, ended February 15, 2008, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Heartache/Lost love PW! by Brit-Girl.
400 points, ended August 2, 2008, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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this is a nice poem, this imagery is potent and your diction is good.
thank you for your entry!
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lol i really like this, its kinda cute and really funny, great job and good luck in the contest =)
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The portrayal of misery is interesting, so savage. The metaphor was wonderfully used, especially to relate misery to a person, maybe a bit over the top--taking the personification to the height of a super or subhuman (like a vampire or werewolf). Anyway, I'd always imagined misery as a quiet, abused loner. This is a very different perspective.
The word choice is marvelous because the phrases just roll right out of the mouth. The phrasing, though, is very staccato. Because each phrase is so short, the natural flow is interrupted. There should be more variation than two-line sentences so that once the rhythm of your words starts, it isn't interrupted by a pause or break.
Again, I think you did a good job with the personfication--an interesting interpretation.
-K
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