Oh,
the girl shakes, she holds her sides
[quivering, quaking insides]
&the pop-up bubble poignantly placed above her head
[scream, yell her thoughts to the dead]
that's when her Prince Charming appears
[making all of the wreckoning disappear]
that boy is her life
[he gives her those beautiful eyes
holds her body so close
weaving melodic pasts
into simplicity
changing life
into elasticity]
[Oh, but when he's gone..]
she's stricken with the pain
feeding on their future plans:
[the gleaming veil,
the flowers, the formal dressing people
all to sit dreamlike
watching a slideshow of perfection]
& while she tosses in the dark,
she wakes up to hear his voice
it dances on the telephone line
[ringing the latest rock rhythm in her ears]
the inflections in his words,
the sparkle of his charm
draw an infinite smile line across her lips
& as he finally says "i love you"
the words color hope back into her brain
& lull her quite peacefully back onto her pillow
& she says "i love you too"
[as she sails away into her dances with narcolepsy.]
Author notes
This is my 100th poem on Allpoetry.com.
=DDDD
YEEEEEEEEEEE!
& it just so happens to be about my lover♥
- Duck Tape Whores group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Pre-writes & Fresh Writes Welcome Here! by LadyUnique.
300 points, ended January 17, 2008, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Extended Hearts by SomeonesToySoldier.
525 points, ended March 6, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
our destineys have been intertwined, combined.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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[Oh, but when he's gone..]
she's stricken with the pain
feeding on their future plans:
[the gleaming veil,
the flowers, the formal dressing people
all to sit dreamlike
watching a slideshow of perfection]
So relatible. simply stunning.
I like the dirty pretty feel to it, but its not overly done. -
[the gleaming veil,
the flowers, the formal dressing people
all to sit dreamlike
watching a slideshow of perfection]
its true that these things are often taken from us at unfair times. its the american dream that is rarely obtained.
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it is really beautiful....love it a lot.......!!!
and yeah...it is soo....umm "relatable"...if that is a word!!
keep up the gud work!!
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Now I'm no expert so take my poem with a grain of salt. but I think alot of your marks were unnessicary. they kinda detract from the poem. The natural flow in your poem brings out the all of the extra emphasis.
It really is a good pome though. Just my thoughts. Good luck in the contest.
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wonderfully well done.
thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.
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my favorite line was
'weaving melodic pasts
into simplicity
changing life
into elasicity'
excellent use of 'elasticity'
thank you for your entry and good luck
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So emotionally. It simply touched me. So beautiful. Keep it up.
Adding your comment:
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