*
What is it that you
Feel?
Is it the screaming
Tearing through your throat?
Mockery tingling every vocal cord;
Depression slipping
Slipping...
Slipping.
Down in your stomach,
Sickness in your chest,
[Cloudy eyes]
Terrible pain running its course
Through your body as you
Drink the [bitter] liquid down.
Anesthetizing your own [mind.]
Or, my darling,
Could it be the smoke
Curling around your lips and eyes
As you fight back the
[Demanding] cough?
Poor baby,
Has the faithful cigarette x-poisoned-x
You yet?
Because we need to know when to
Draw the skull and crossbones across your
[Eyes.]
The smoke curling gracefully around in
Spirals in your chest,
Tell me,
Does it singe away the love?
[Because your skin is no longer
Warm.]
Is it the cold that makes you
Lifeless?
Drops of pure [ice]
Roll down your skin,
Sending shivers through your chest as
You stand outside in the rain.
Glitter streaming down your cheeks
While you press your hands against the
Brick wall.
(Its getting to be too much.)
You smell of smoke and alcohol,
Your eyes foggy and tired.
Hiding under glitter and mascara,
[What would he think of you now?]
Your pale skin looks even
Whiter as the glitter and purple runs
Down,
Accentuates the insecurity.
High
Curved cheekbones.
“Oh darling, they’re too pretty
To cover up.”
But with purple eye shadow
Exploding from your
Irises,
I guess your
Face is anything but
Real.
And the heads just keep
>>Turning>>
But no one can
See beyond the outside.
(I wonder why?)
So sit with
The hands over your eyes.
[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...]
Counting to one hundred and fifty.
While you play hide and seek
All by yourself.
Better find yourself soon,
Time is
Running out.
So how can you not expect
To end up like this?
With a [gorgeous] boy
Who says he
Loves you oh so much.
And then breaks
You
Down
Once more because
He leave bruises both
Inside and out... but
“Baby, I love you so much.”
And you should expect to
Crawl back to him
(Every night)
And curl up under the sheets.
Thoughts dancing across your aching
Forehead.
[What will happen next?]
I hope you experience something
(With a little more love)
[As your hands tug down]
The zipper on his pants.
[As his fingers trace your lips.]
And while his eyes survey
Your “beauty”,
You watch your own reflection
In his eyes.
(Lips tingling, nearly touching his.)
[Your pupils nearly covering
The gray-blue of your
Pained irises.]
What is it that you feel now,
As your eyes close,
Your heart slows,
And you breathe in?
Tell me,
What’s it like to be a
Mess?
Author notes
Okay so I know this is tech. dirty pretty. I'm sorry. but this is how I write, and if you won't look at it as dirty pretty, than it won't be. just another poem. [ ] those things are to emphasize points.
this basically was inspired by my school, kids in my school. mostly about myself though.
Yes. in some ways... I hope this is emotional enough..?
MurderMachines--x
i was inspired by this::
http://wytske.deviantart.com/art/Make-up-I-71597014
Okay.. not the best, I'm not totally done either.
comment if you wish...
I would suppose.
and once I am fully done editing it, and you want to read it again once its done, please just comment and tell me to notify you when its done.
but of course you don't have to.
because it isn't going to be that great anyways, once I'm done.
But who knows... maybe itll be amazing.
x♥x
A contest entry
- Darkwrite Extravaganza Round III by Immortal Obscurity.
300 points, ended January 14, 2008, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - dark writes (just...make me feel something) by my--i u--k i.
542 points, ended January 28, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Sigh. He fascinates me. Complex. He's confusing. Yes, he depresses me.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
What is it that you feel could be changed to "what do you feel". It's less awkward. In this first stanza, you have all of your verbs ending in "-ing". It makes for a boring, slightly dull feel to it, whereas if you had "mockery tingles every vocal cord, depression that slips down into your stomach left a trail of sickness in your chest..." that sounds much more effective. I'm not exactly sure why you repeated "slipping". What is this terrible pain? The imagery here is extremely bland and simple. Give me more.
Um, what the crap is this "x-poisoned-x"? ...[cough]. In the first stanza I thought you were talking about depression, in the second it seems as if you have switched to smoking. Completely different themes. The second stanza's tone is also inconsistent with the first. It is slightly sarcastic, but the sarcasm is not quite as effective as it could be because of the clichéd terms such as "smoke curling around your lips and eyes".
The next line, the one by itself, immediately gives me the impression that the person is dead. You don't need the "because".
The verb "makes" is extremely weak in this stanza. Again, the verb forms are consistent in this stanza, making it dull and uniform. The lines "acceuntuates the insecurity" and "what would he think of you now?" are effective and strong.
Interesting use of the word "high" here. The "I guess" takes away majorly from this stanza, it makes you seem unsure when the rest is so concrete. The imagery was better here.
I didn't like the use of numbers in the next stanza. It's unnecessary and the reader isn't going to look at every number. You used "yourself" twice in 2 lines awkwardly.
The rest of the poem has fuzzy imagery and cliched terms, and it's still inside the box, so to speak. I want more from this. It's just not strong, vivid, and didn't evoke any emotions in me at all.
However, it does show promise. Keep writing and you'll find a stronger way to use the pen.
Respect -
OMG
so...that's "dirty pretty" eh?
yay, for I appear to have run into some dirty pretty that's not CRAP and/or by STUPID PEOPLE, as my first esperiance with "dirty pretty"
i like that dirty pretty shit better than i thought i would.
-
The formatting is MUCH better now... I'm still not a fan of DP, but at least I didn't find it to be such a strain on the eyes this time. Good luck
-
I really like this. The graphology is lovely, the semantics are beautiful and the pragmatics are enchanting. I am going to do something I rarely do and applaud you thrice.
-
wow.. i havent read anything in a long time so i might not be the best of opinions but i really like this. it draws you in and makes it personal with the "her" on alot of different levels, without being too much where you feel bad for reading someone elses journal. you came back to her eyes a couple times.. makes me picture her crying.. drinking smoking, dying away.. hmm.. sounds like someone else i know >.>. great job darling.. sorry for staying away for so long.
-
Hmmm... Again, this is better than a lot of DP I have read in the past, but even so, the weird fonts are doing no favours for my eyes. I understand that this one was the most difficult prompt, but I knew that you could make something of it. Best of luck to you
-
Indeed, this is truly awesome love :]
Marvelous doesnt cover it. Shall await rewritten version
-
im mean yr a better poet than i am and i loved the poem well all i hae too say is dont stop writing!
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
