Mist rises, coiling
frost upon freshened snowfall.
Youth-filled memory.
Cold and sticky birth
melted form in rounded orb -
bulls-eye winter splat!
Snowdrops raining lawn.
Winter solstice turns the page
breathing robin song.
In a list
A contest entry
- Deep Winter Haiku by Swan song.
800 points, ended January 12, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - CHAIN OF THREE-LINED Poems of Succintness ~ Winklings Contest # 35 by Lyndon.
1150 points, ended January 30, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Winter solstice turns the page -- fantastic line.
I love your haikus! they are all well penned and very impressive. Keep it up. Congrats on the Sliver
Kat -
I really, really love haiku. I truly love the idea of your Winter Haiku Trio, especially the first one. It was fun and used good imagery, surprising end, all within the 5/7/5 aspect. I liked what Myron said about changing the other haiku poem around. However, if you were to enter some Haiku contests it might not get too far with only the 9 syllables. It was a wonderfully awesome suggestion though but not for standard, traditional contest entries. Although "LESS IS MORE," so to speak, when it comes to good poetry... "(Do your thing if it will cause bells to ring!)"
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Dear Pamela
Myron and I see eye to eye.
Mist rises,
coiling
frost on fresh snow
is only 9 syllables but that's okay with me.
Using your raw material, I am sure that you will get a better 'Aha!' moment by juxtapositioning. The kiga is 'frost' or 'snow', signifying the season.
Love, Ron.
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17 syllables, but not haiku?
Hi, I hope you don’t mind my comments.
Ron has asked me to try to find some ‘true’ haiku in this contest. I’m looking for haiku which show:
1) a juxtaposition between two sense images,
2) written with one break in the grammatical flow and
3) using clear, unpoetic language.
In haiku I’m looking to see and hear what the poet sees and hears around them. Most of the entries I’m reading are 17 syllable poems containing thoughts and opinions about nature, often containing statements rather than images. I’m not sure that’s enough to constitute a ‘true haiku’.
Your samples here are perhaps too poetic for haiku. For example, your final haiku is wonderful poetry, but unfortunately it is not the plain language generally used for haiku.
Yours in haiku,
Myron.
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Myron
I do not mind your comments at all. Personally I know I am bad at Haiku. REALLY REALLY bad. LOL But I will keep trying. I may try to rework these if you are interested in taking a look?
In the next few days or so? Perhaps?
I would love the feedback.
Thanks so much for being candid. I appreciate that because its the only way I can improve. and I will improve. ~Pamela
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Dear Pamela
You are not "bad" at Haiku. Well, this squire does not think you are. Just a little unused to what we want.
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i will
thanks for your response. yes, i'd like to see what you do with these. you may find haiku easier to write if you don't try to pad them out into 17 syllables; that's an old-fashioned way of writing them.
try to capture two contrasting or comparitive moments in around about 8- 12 syllables. For example, take this poem:
Snowdrops raining lawn.
Winter solstice turns the page
breathing robin song.
to make it more of a contemporary haiku, you just need to prune it back to its two basic images; perhaps something like this:
snowdrops
on the front lawn
robin song
all the best on your haiku path,
myron. -
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THank you. I will point you to them when I am ready. Thank you so much. ~Pam
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Dear Pamela
I think that I would love your resultant ku if you do as Myron L suggests. ASAP. No one in this contest has written haiku as yet!!!
So, give it a go. Love, Ron.
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LOL No pressure....
I will give it my best shot.
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These are not too bad at all I enjoyed them and thank you for etnering good luck
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Jeff
Thank you for your honesty. I stink at Haiku so - I keep writing them. LOL. GREAT contest. Thanks so much. ~Pamela
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Ooooooh...beautiful haiku trio, Pamela!
Cold and sticky birth
melted form in rounded orb -
bulls-eye winter splat!
I'm not sure which haiku I like best. You have such a way with words that it's impossible to pick a favorite haiku. Each line is euphoric. Bravo!! Don
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Don
Thank you so much. I keep practicing. LOL. ~Pamela
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Nice haiku trio. Great descriptions with your words. Very hard to do when forced to a form but you have done it masterfully. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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ckwriter69
Thank you so much. I am pleased you enjoyed these. ~Pamela
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