The sky felt anchored,
Its beaten eye melting into the world;
Clouds jutted from the horizon
like fat lips.
I turned, a glimpse-
Faces lit by fire.
Gunpowder, its fierce bite;
The bitter beauty of winter.
It stung me, left me raw,
And I drank its frostiness in.
[I felt the urge to unfold myself.
Weightless, pinwheeling;
Clinging to smoke and
spiralling upwards.]
Flecks of rain,
Kisses by starlight and
a dried flower in a wooden box.
You stunned me, left me
wide open.
And now I long for your mouth
pressed against mine and
the gentle sinking into quiet;
I am the happiest I have ever been.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Very confusing. I could hardly figure out what was going on. I feel like your portraying something rather... gruesome here. But, I'm not really sure what. Yet... In the end... What is going on? You're the happiest you've ever been?
Oh dear. I seriously doubt I understand what is going on.
I'm sorry
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awright..
There's a lot going on here..some nice images, but I am confused...I don't understand the gunpowder reference. It feels to me like the last four verses are not connected to the final four. I am probably missing something...All the best, Larkin -
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its about the fireworks on new years viewed from a hilltop- winter, fireworks etc
thank you for your comment
x
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This is far from cute. The image you paint of the sky is harsh...disfigured. "Beaten eye", "anchored" and "fat lips" are hardly words I would usually associate with the sky. The fat lips sound almost vulgar.
That said, I do love the way this poem ends. "the gentle sinking into quiet/I am the happiest I have ever been". The soothing reflection and the turnaround in the mood of the poem is a very pleasant, warming surprise. -
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I'm glad you did not view this poem as 'cute', as that was far from my intention. I was trying to portray a sunset in a less cliched way, so the imagery did turn out harsher than perhaps I had pictured in my mind... however, thank you very much for your comment its been awhile since I've had a proper critical analysis so thank you it is much appreciated
x
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this is really cute
I love it!!!!!
keep writing my friend
Stevie
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