New York City:
Times Square, the late eve of a new year
It's dark, despite incandescent lights
of a city high as its drug addicts
Buildings stretch their tired arms and eat sky
that pours its cold frosted breath down on people
milling closely below for warmth
A cold wind on bones that rattle like xylophone keys
under thick jackets, knit scarves
While they throw their collective pasts behind them
as bright streamers in a swirl of kite tail streams
Even pick pockets are quiet in their caress,
mindful of this last profit of the year and a burgeoning fragility
of future's dream when taken to tightly
In the face of thousands, excitement thick as saliva
on the tongues of so many hoping for a kiss, wet anticipation
of the ball coming to climax
There is cheering mixed with tears, cocktails drenched
in the stench of alcohol and poorly laid ideas lost to time tonight
A world gorged on feelings and prayers,
both made in hope and fear
One night out three hundred and sixty five where
we feel together in this great alone
(fooling ourselves one more time)
Nothing ends without something else beginning,
and joy is dependent upon which side you are on
But come morning light,
it is still.
Only single people moving with broom sweepers
and breeze
Pushing past abandon paper hats, over-popped poppers;
layers of aluminum cans rolling along the gutter and dried tears
on a dirty pavement of slush snow
And here is where I stop,
wonder if this city might also feel like a woman,
who wakes alone,
only to feel used.
Author notes
Have you a mind, understand that this reality is only a metaphor
for a life we're just not living
(yes, happy new year,
or something along those lines...)
In a list
A contest entry
- Just write for you by zochit2me.
800 points, ended January 3, 2008, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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intriguing
your spin on new years is most
interesting. I like the points you
make. Life is life and know one can
tell what it will bring. the highs,
the lows we all suppose in the great
theatrical stage called life. Nice poem
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Lovely
You have a way with imagery. I particularly liked the final four lines. I did notice a few small grammatical things, line 14 'to' should be 'too', line 22 ought to say out of, and line 31 should say abandoned. I did love the poem and I'm sure someone else has given you those spellling errors, other than that I see no glaring mistakes. My new Year's "Celebration" was me sitting at home alone and smoking a cigarette with the sounds of fireworks slowly fading...
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It's dark, despite incandescent lights
of a city high as its drug addicts
that's amazing.
I love the 'city high as its addicts'
this is brilliant
I love the whole new year's vibe. -
Another magnificent write. I envy your eloquence. I think I have told you that before. I hope some day you publish these in a collection. I will be the first in line to buy it.
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very caustically woven with historical ancient reflections upon humanity and gender assumptions.
congratulations on the trophy and I am humbled being in this contest with such good writers.
michael thomas
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Great imagery, although depressing... I feel led to give encouragement but I have never been one to air other's feelings in public. I will say you are not alone. Sight can be deceiving.
One Love,
John
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'Buildings stretch their tired arms and eat sky
that pours its cold frosted breath down on people
milling closely below for warmth'
woah! yeh the imagery here is fantasticly jazz perspective, really sets up the detail, and then knocks you over with that wonderful twist at the end, (although i'd never leave, sunrise I believe IS the true new year moment...) ANYHEYS, well done mind photography,
W sparklers and QF cocktails,
-jas
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Also, I'm supremely jealous of your writing abilities, etc. etc. I'd say I hate you in jest, but I don't.
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lol See? Gooey like a marshmellow middle. Just pushes right in.
My writing ablities really aren't all that. And if you got serious, you could give me a serious critique like I gave you mister.
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Wait, what? What's a marshmellow middle again?
I know, I know, I should give you a serious critique. I'm no good at them though, so bear with me:
Aside from a missing word (line 22 needs an "of") and two slight misspellings (line 14, "to" should be "too", line 31, "abandon" should be "abandoned"), this is pretty good from a technical standpoint.
I have to agree with zochit2me, I'm not sure I like the second use of a form of "stream" in the same line; it gives the line an odd repetitive feel not found anywhere else in the piece (with the exception of "over-popped poppers", but I like this), so it throws the line off.
I do, though, like the concrete feel of the poem through roughly the first half as it slowly transitions to a more abstract mindset, particularly towards the end. The contrast helps establish the poem and gives the reader a firm ground to stand on before having their feet swept out from underneath them.
Fuck, I can't find anything to really criticize about this, so, sorry, I won't be tearing this to shreds like I would a lesser work.
As a last-second thought, shouldn't line 22's "where" be "when", instead? It's discussing a certain period of/in time, not so much a certain place or destination, unless you're talking about the mental place of false hope the world finds itself in? Ah, but that latter thought's probably bollocks 'cause I came up with it.
Anyway, much better than my drivel, that's for certain.
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Goddamn it. I thought I could come up with a cool comment for this, but I can't. I started typing this hours ago, then got distracted for a while, and now I'm finally gotten back to this. I really need to stay focused on things.
I personally loved the ending. I've grown fond of finales that're both powerful and quiet, emotional but subtle. I suppose ethereal might be a better word, but I think I overuse that when I'm talking to myself. Or, I may just have no idea what I'm talking about altogether. I think that might be more likely.
Celebrating New Year's is a joke anyways. Time is time is time; nothing all that special about it.
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Hours ago? lol You are sad.
I started watching Death Note. I find myself thinking of you sitting there and mentally interacting with those two guys trying to outsmart each other. It makes me smile.
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Yeah, well...I got distracted by, well, nothing all that important, really. I just get distracted easily.
On the sadness note, tonight feels more depressing than usual for some strange reason.
I'm afraid I wouldn't stand much of a chance if faced with either of those two; I'm neither as clever or passionate. But anyway, how do you like Death Note so far? -
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And so far what I like is the God of Death. Wouldn't he make the cutest pet? lol He probably needs a bath though. Guys like that, usually don't have that great of hygiene, you know?
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He'd be pretty awesome to keep around. Wanna really scare the shit outta someone? Write a miscellaneous note, hand it to 'em and watch the sparks fly when they notice that big, hulking thing standing behind you.
Hell yes.
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Oh no you don't... No weaseling out of it. What were you distracted by?
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I wasn't weaseling!
(I took out "nosy-face" because it seemed a bit too silly. Or something.)
I got distracted by a combination of [adult swim] comedy, getting lost in my can't-be-healthy-for-my-ears metal, some speed chess, and a very late dinner. A potent combination I couldn't resist, which is even sadder, really.
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Amazing and gritty. "We feel together in this great alone" a terrifying way with words spoken or only suggested. The ending is raw and forlorn. Done with your unique style.
Spent my New Year listening to the drunken neighbors shoot their guns in the general direction of the sky. Stayed away from the windows just to make sure in case they missed.
So here we are.
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Yeah, I would have avoided the windows too. lol
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Ah-- I rang in the New Year with a cup of coffee, a pack of smokes and Tila Tequila. Wasn't exactly a bang of a time, but really it's just another year, another day closer to old age, death. I'm not really a celebration girl, though. More a doomssayer, I guess.
Poem-y. That's interesting, seeing as you are more a prosey type of girl. Why the throwback?
The last two lines are unneeded... that's all I have, really, with critical commentary. It's depressing, black, and a whirlpool of thoughts that, of course, can only go with gravity.
It's good to read you...
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You know, there is one thing that is nice, upon this return here; Kevin has granted my request to have the animated applauses back.
I really have missed them.
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Think the last two lines are unnecessary? hnnn... maybe. People seem to have a hard time understanding it as it is. lol
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Ah, yes. The happy clappy guys are nice. Thank you for suggesting it in the forums. Though, people think they are slick and use the
emoticon instead of actually claps. LOL
*clap* *applause*... whichever one it is.
To ring in the new year and make it harder for me to get back to my first day of work (after xmas shutdown) the weather has blessed me with snow.
Ugh. I hate snow.
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"Nothing ends without something else beginning," that's where I would end this piece; after that it drags, and the metaphor of it being like a woman polarizes something bigger.
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The part about comparing it to a woman... that was the whole point of this poem and in fact, was exactly what the piece was really about, if you pay attention to the choice of word and imagery. Thanx for your thoughts anyhow.
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(LOL) I know, that's what bugged me.
Happy New Year,
Sincerely, A Man
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The vermin, of all sorts including myself watch and listen to all the hype as if another New Year was to bring anything different than the previous cycle. You're right, it won't. We divide the life cycle and for what? Just so I can argue some meaningless statement you made, that I have deference to. I wish you another chance to commerate a new year come and another one gone by. You provide me something that without you I would not possess, a soul that seeks truth but doesn't know where to find it. Welcome to the human race and being alone, and still searching. Sometimes I listen to your words and almost beleive they are concrete, yet abstract reality, almost an end in themselves. Finally it becomes obvious that you are not settled in yourself, neither am I. Happy 'nuther year my friend. Don't stop writing here, please.... RC
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You miss the true intent of the poem. Look deeper. It isn't the follies of humanities grasp at being reborn, but the fallacy of continuity and that the emotion rifts between a man and a woman are too vast to ever congrue.
This is of a woman, her losses, the weight of herself and her feelings.
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Great
Pure fantastic imagery matched with a nice mood and flow. My faveorite part was:
And here is where I stop,
wonder if this city might also feel like a woman,
who wakes alone,
only to feel used.
what a great ending!! Nice job and best of luck in your writing future.
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The imagery in this was fantastic!
A little longer than I generally like to read but that ending darling, that ending just punched you right in the gut!
The flow was good a couple of places hung me up in words like "popped poppers" and 5th stanza 2nd line the use of streamers and stream "as bright streamers in a swirl of kite tail streams
But other than that a very enjoyable read. I think it could be tightened up just a bit by being shortened but then that is just my opinion darling...your poem and your call,
I am amazed by that ending though!!
Becky
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I'll take into consideration, your opinion of the words used in lines 11 and 31. It is something I'll have to think on.
However, as for your issue with length, I don't believe in short form for the sake of a short attention span. I write stories generally, not scenes or a glance. I leave that to minimualists.
This is not to say, that if you find parts that serve no purpose to this and are extranneous (in your opinion), that you aren't welcome to say. No, on the contrary, I'd welcome your thoughts. But blanket statements about length are just that, a blanket over the real thoughts and mean little to me.
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I like the form and style of this, the way it stands like a tall, stark building. The stanzas are clipped and the metaphors sharp and precise. Loved 'excitement thick as saliva on the tongues.....in wet anticipation' (prefer it without the 'is') also didn't feel it needed the lines in italics just personalises it a little too much, ending with 'who wakes alone' gives it a poignant enough ending,but that's just my views hope you don't mind.
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Yes, that's true. It could do without the 'is' I suppose. And there's probably a few other than that, that I'm too tired to see. As for the italics, they have a point in my work. And if it personalizes too much... ah well, it is personal.
You're welcome to say what you like, as long as it's something you considered and not the rambling of those that have to dust their minds off regularly.
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happy new year. no something. make it so.
(have a good one)
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