Deep, black water
swirling and twirling
pulling me under
in flashes of blue and gold
The sunlight sinks
beneath the torrent
of the waves crashing
upon my tired head
Memories and violence
collide inside of me
and outside
the storm begins to rise
Yet, I remain under
an influence of calm
while my tired head can sleep
within the havoc of the sea
Author notes
Undertow
[uhn-der-toh]
-noun
Origin: 1810–20
1 : the current beneath the surface that sets seaward or along the beach when waves are breaking upon the shore
2 : an underlying current, force, or tendency that is in opposition to what is apparent
A contest entry
- 'Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--' by HeavenScent4U.
700 points, ended January 7, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Give me a critical thought.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like the last stanza a lot, peace in a raging sea, the image works well. There's a Tool song called "undertow" (actually it's the name of the album too), that's vey similar to this.
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I love a nautical tale!
You've spun an interesting image with this write! I really enjoyed the smooth flow, and enjoyed the dichotomy of the raging sea and your calm psyche. Well done! -
Much emotion and depth in this. It sounds like there was a lot in the past that really drug you down but the way you ended this tends to lend hope and a sense of calm to your words and I love when a poem turns around like that, so I love your take on the prompt
I do think you could have knitted this a little tighter and dug a tad bit deeper but for the emotion you put into it, it's very expressive. It could also use a little punctuation This might also have worked very well had you written it in couplets, might have made the presentation a little more pleasing but all that aside, it was nicely thought out. Thanks for entering and good luck. Be well and be blessed
Rules: 10
Presentation: 8
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation: 18
Originality: 18
How well you handled the prompt: 18
Overall: 18
Total: 90
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I believe you have handled this prompt beautifully. Very very well done. You have given life to the undertow, to the sea... Wonderful verse. Best of luck in this round. Really really well done.
~Pamela
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I really like this...
I'm not sure about the structure and punctuation in some spots...but then again...I'm not that adept at those things and I could be totally off base...lol
Anyway, see ya in the next round..
Write on!
*PEACE*
Happy New Year!
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Again, welcome to round 2!
Your prompt for this round is this title:
'Undertow'
You must use this as inspiration and make note of it in your AN. Thank you!
No more than 20 lines and you have until the end on Dec. 31st to complete your entry. Best of luck to you! Be well and be blessed
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