i would never have known you
but for an errant word - a single
and straying character, curiously
juxtaposed.
having never known you, likely,
i would have known some other
vagrant, venomous wretch.
and loved
him hard(ly).
like sisyphus,
rolling his boulder,
it was forever a wasted and
fruitless endeavor.
i should make a note
to self, to
reference your underlying vehemence,
to expose your deficiencies
as. a. man.
but some dirt is best left (un)settled
where it lies.
Author notes
ehhhhh.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This poem diplays an excellent use of language and doesn't waste a word.
Especially:
"i would never have known you
but for an errant word - a single
and straying character, curiously
juxtaposed.:
Which is just perfect, each line as good as the next. It flows like poem should, like a great epic drama parading about the stage, while also carrying a modesty about itself.
Some poems I find to be too self-important, seeming like the author is more intent on gaining praise than anything else, but that is not the case here.
It feels like it's here because it's raw emotion, deep and evocative.
You are a true poet, ms. sunshine, I look forward to reading more.
I do have two suggestions though-
"having never known you, likely,
i would have known some other
vagrant, venomous wretch.
and loved
him hard(ly)."
I think it hurts the flow in this segment when you use "known" twice, it's a pet peeve of mine that I always bring up when I see it. It makes the stanza feel like it's repeating itself too much and takes away for how it is read, both quietly in the mind and when spoken.
And here:
"i should make a note
to self, to
reference your underlying vehemence,
to expose your deficiencies
as. a. man.
but some dirt is best left (un)settled
where it lies."
I don't know if the periods in "as. a. man." really do anything for the poem. I can see that you are probably using them for a sense of pause, but there are other ways around that, double-spacing maybe or perhaps I am just too nitpicky. My only other issue is with the use of "to self, to" I don't even know if that really needs to be there. It extends the line more than needed and doesn't do anything special for the stanza.
Maybe:
"i should make a note
to reference..."
Would work better.
I hope that helps a little. I haven't critiqued a poem in a while, so it's nice to see that I actually still can do it.
- Kenneth
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Clever, clever...
Normally I'm the last person to really dig on the use of parentheses in poetry (a little too e.e. cummings for me) but you made moderate use of it, not to make your poem look cool on the page, like a lot of folks do, but to direct emphasis to where it needed to be. I absolutely loved the line about vehemence and exposing deficiencies "as. a. man." -- again, unusual punctuation isn't normally my favourite thing, but it worked here. I've never met you, personally, but this piece above many others I've read really suggests your character (or a facet of it) to me, and I think it's just -- just fantastic. I think you and I would get along. For what it's worth I don't think you're a cynic at all; I think you're smart to have learned what you've learned. Man, this was just great. Thanks for making my day brighter, if you can believe it.
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Now, there you are. With nothing hidden.
Your words, still carefully 'plucked' out of
the nonsensical garden. Plathian at approach,
you've still managed to give us a 'stark' view
of things going on. You still inspire me and I
will always use your form as a perimeter of
application.
Are you doing well these days?
-
Ah, cynicism.
In this glass half-empty piece, you've neatly captured a hopelessness that seems all too pervasive. Makes me a little sad.
I love the way you make us contemplate every word in the line "as. a. man." while simultaneously minimizing the importance of each through the use of lower case.
In a way, letting dirt lie is often best; we all have our faults. However, if the building shakes, perhaps the foundation does need to be addressed.
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"but some dirt is best left (un)settled
where it lies."
I like that.....settled or unsettled...you are right
Leave it be
I love your dark intelligence
Although I do wish that someone could make you quiver....unleash the sunshine you behold
Unsettle the dirt where you hide your sparkling eyes
Where you hide your blue skies
Much Much Love Sunshine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This piece burns with intelligence and sharpened wit. The precision of your words is intimidating, and your calculated vocabulary shows a strong command of the english language.
I agree with astralshepard about the parenthetical ironies. They are tiny gems, both visually and intellectually, begging to be unearthed.
I loved the reference to Sisyphus. I've always had a special place in my heart and my work for the punishments of Sisyphus and Tantalus.
My only suggestion is that the overall narrative might be helped by the addition of a stanza between the current second and third stanzas. The transition seemed somewhat abrupt to me.
You are a superb verbal technician and this is certainly the strongest and most well-crafted piece I've read on this site in a long while. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Write on,
Josh
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i certainly agree about the rough transition. thank you for reading and offering criticism.
it's confirmation that i need to re-work this a bit.
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The parenthetical additions make this especially enjoyable. the personal exploration often yields a rich reward, this poem is no exception, a delight to read and explore along with you.
blessings and best wishes,
~r.
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Wow!!! Loved that powerful write in so few words! Very nice!
Blessings~
Az
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