peace pounds
in a yellow sky, i sit back, watch him recline
when my brother nestles in a room, gulps coffee and sings
like an orchestra in a box,
i watch him, not my brother, but him
making music out of nothing - absolutely nothing
i lie here, still and silent
as curtains flap and clouds melt into a strange midnoon rain;
maybe it was because of my brother -
who carved a song from the most beautiful notes of noon
or perhaps because
i wasn't supposed to lie here on the cushion,
spoil the mushiness that thrived in it,
but i still lay there,
my mind: racing in the serendipity i had stumbled upon -
humming my brother's fresh music,
and watching him recline on the cold, stony
floor
Author notes
POY
Theme/Topic - Peace at home
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Year ( POY ) by Arkbear.
13750 points, ended January 4, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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this is a gorgeous poem--you will excuse me if I still find it difficult to believe you are but 13--lucidly conjured images as from the wand of some deft magician, or in this case a sorceress... beautiful... bravo... bravo... bravo...
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I would like to see you structure this without punctuation, only line breaks and white space (a nit pick). Your stated theme does not include your brother's music that flows literally and figuratively throught this piece. Your title is close, but try "serendipity noted" or "sooth the savage beast".
Clarity: 10.0
Structure: 9.5
(rhyme & meter)
(line breaks & structure)
Grammar: 10.0
Punctuation: 9.5
Use of Language: 10.0
Poetic Value: 10.0
Uniqueness: 10.0
Impact: 10.0
Theme: 9.0
Title: 9.5
Total: 97.5
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Yes
I can so easily picture all of this, very much reminding me of growing up with my sister.
Having the poem begin so far below the title made it seem rather disconnected from it; that is really my biggest concern with the entire write. Nicely done all in all, and I look forward to seeing your other entry.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Yes
Good luck. -
Yes ~
I am glad to see your entry in the POY contest ~
I can not comment per say the Rules, but I will say this is a great piece of work ~
Hopping over to your PW now ~
The best to you in this contest my Friend,
Bear ~
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Yes~
I was caught on this poem, because the metaphor was truly overkill for me; it wasn't until I read your AN that everything truly clicked... but on a second read, I managed to get it.
Will it stand among the competitors?? Maybe
Good luck -
"who carved a song from the most beautiful notes of noon"
Unique--who thought that something like an hour in a day could be musical? I also love the verb "carved" being used in making music. It's very visual.
"racing in the serendipity i had stumbled upon -"
Just great in itself. =)
"and watching him recline on the cold, stony
floor"
This last sentence is kind of eerie--is it the cold or the stony? I think it's both, but it was eerie for me. =)
Oh yeah, and I loved the title for this poem--it had this "Click me!" quality about it.
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This is good imagery here in this piece. It isn't badly written either. You bring the thought of connection and emotion through your poem.
Nicely done and Good luck! -
This is a beautiful story inside a story!
The poem holds a great peaceful moment of time that should be cherished!
I could actually see the picture you painted us readers.
Excellent!
~Lisa~
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Wow this is an awesome piece love the flow and rhyme and the poem it self everything is great about it Good luck with this piece in the Poy
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I am trying with this free verse lark and there is some good metaphor and imagery here but also some apparently discarded and orphaned parts. For me there is no flow to pull me along, and not enough, hmmm not enough what, not enough substance maybe to make it compelling reading.
However I do not know anything about verse this free so will leave it to others who do to judge it, all the best in the contest. The clappy is for the metaphor and imagery that I do like!
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this is good
i like this write it has a strong delivery and good flow, very unique piece u have here! Also serendipity is one of my favorite words, i like the way u used it in this write!! Good job! -
Wow...That just brought peace of me.
Wonderful job on the imagery...
The description...detail...
Loved it***
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great imagery and well written and express.. thanks for sharing
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Nice imagery!!
Very lovely images - Sometimes I thought these were people, at others perhaps best loved dogs (I just read J. Robin's poem @ his dog!). My emotional response - I relaxed!
For simple editing, I'm a little OCD & like balance, so I'd put a break between lines 4 & 5 - then it would look & read beautifully. In line 13, what do you think about replacing "mushiness" with "suppleness?" You'd get a double entendre? And I'd use "lay" or "lie" in lines 7, 12 & 14 - I like "lie," but I'd be consistent - and Yep, you guessed it - I taught college English. Picky, I know!
Overall, one of the best edited poems I've read & very lovely images throughout - Thanks for allowing me to comment! dbphd
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because is an answer to why.
Why does this disturb me so much? -
"i lie here, still and silent
as curtains flap and clouds melt into a strange midnoon rain;"
The perfect day, spent at home.
The imagery creates a longing for this kind of relaxation and peace.
Very calming indeed.
If you can stir the senses with your words,then it's a job well done.
Best of luck in the contest.
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i guess i have to say..i have no idea what or how to review this poem, because i personally have never written a poem of the sort. but your poem reminds me of just laying back and enjoying the peacefullness of my mind. just lay there in the still moments and. relax.
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my sister is always singing. but her singing makes me want to lock her up in the closet. never got any peace from it. hopefully, soon i'll feel the peace in her voice like you do in your brother's.
as for your poem, it was beautiful. and i think i'll stick to reading you instead of listening to her croon for now.
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I agree with the person below me, it is incredibly relaxed and it seems like you have an extremely pleasant habitat. i love it.
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this has a wonderfully relaxed, reflective feel to it, words like 'sit back, nestle, lie, recline' give an impression of an easy comfortable relationship between two people. You juxtapose the familiarity with the surprise of this 'other' person with an almost lazy skill!
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I really like this poem.You got me to see this picture in my mind!
Artistry with words!
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good job
it seems so calm, enchanting
you are sort of drifting
to a beautiful place
superb -
"like an orchestra in a box,"
"who carved a song from the most beautiful notes of noon"
"my mind: racing in the serendipity i had stumbled upon -
humming my brother's fresh music,"
beautiful lines, there is a nice sense of reality and calm and peace in this poem, thanks for sharing
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how precious those moments of peace are and your words have captured one of those moments. you've created a cozy spot to retreat to
i really like the casual feel of this
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coveted poetry
candy
a beutiful version of your coveted poetry
all best wishes
purush -
Great, you are powerful. Though I don't think
all of those adjectives are necessary in the end
to me it seemed like too much. Other than that all
I can do is gape at the images you provide.
peace to all ~flight
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Such a lovely serenity about this poem and wonderful visuals. Happy New Year and many more beautiful poems like this one!
~ Nicolette
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A beautiful poem, very well penned indeed. Very well penned. Good luck with it in the contest and a very Happy New Year!
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such lovely images you have painted us
i like the use of because in this poem - it is not overused but somehow underscores rather than overstates which works very well
elaine
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