The whole world in miniature, crafted with skill,
Driven by steam and the force of his will.
A garden transformed, a theatre of life,
Plants are controlled by a train-loving wife.
A station constructed instead of a shed,
A bridge 'cross the pond from designs in his head.
The man that the council sent out to inspect
Gasped with delight and the plans went unchecked.
A4 Pacific in standard 1 Gauge,
Years of his life and the star on this stage.
A farm scene his son built for years with his Dad;
The two men together both filthy and glad.
His daughter has painted each house they have built.
A boat on the river, is stranded in silt.
Outside the "Queens Arms", the world's put to rights,
Three men with their pint pots, ignoring the sights.
Retirement at sixty, now fifteen years past
And the end of the world is in prospect at last.
Cars of the vintage, a neighbour has lent,
Snapped by the man that the local rag sent.
Men on the station, some children at school,
A man from the circus who's dressed as a fool.
The world in their garden, so perfect and neat
Is now, like their lives, very nearly complete.
Author notes
An A4 Pacific is a Steam Locomotive designed by Sir Nigel Gresley for the LNER in Great Britain, for those who care about such things an A4 called Mallard holds the World speed record for a Steam hauled Railway train.
Local rag is common English usage for a local newspaper, and snapped means photographed if that slang isn't universal. Don't think there are any rhyming gotcha's with accent, except that for me checked and inspect rhyme, but I guess could merely be an assonance for some.
POY
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Year ( POY ) by Arkbear.
13750 points, ended January 4, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for Quality Poetry ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended January 11, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 1st Second Chance Contest from Quality poetry contest by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended January 17, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best PREWRITES.... by wakingdevil.
600 points, ended January 22, 2008, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Contest # 4 VIRTUAL GARDENS (prewrites okay in this one) by .
500 points, ended April 26, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please comment below. Spelling or rhyming or scanning corrections welcome.
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
-
Sorry Crikettjeff I thought the gold was for this time. I was talking to my son. I guess I got distracted.
-
This sounds like an amazing place
Good luck in the contest
-
The rhyming was a bit forced but other than that this was a gr8 original write.Thanks for entering
-
Congratulations for this well deserved gold trophy. This poem is written like a fine tapestry, each color is at the right place. It is almost like a novel's summary.
~Sonja~
-
Yes. Ideal blend of sound and sense. The colloquial tone supports rhyme and meter very well and at the same time lends a sense of authenticity to the descriptions. As in the garden, here small things seem large and come to life through imagination. A well-crafted, well-conceived piece. Congratulations on a well-deserved gold.
-
-
Thank-you, it was an enjoyable piece to write and it seemed to come together pretty well. I have always enjoyed reading this sort of poem, more of a painting than a story and when you manage to create something that you feel you would enjoy discovering it is a special pleasure. I must admit I have been very pleasantly surprised by how well it has been received, except by one reader who usually loves my verse who simply said "don't like it", tou can't win them all!
-
-
I'm too tired to deal with this ...
just now. I'll look at it later. -
I question the use of the word 'controlled' in the fourth line. Does she actually control the plants? I don't feel that was what you were trying to say, but that is how I read it. Check your commas, some needed, some not. Your theme is way beyond the what you suggest.
Clarity: 9.5
Structure: 10.0
(rhyme & meter)
(line breaks & structure)
Grammar: 10.0
Punctuation: 9.0
Use of Language: 8.5
Poetic Value: 10.0
Uniqueness: 10.0
Impact: 10.0
Theme: 7.0
Title: 9.0
Total: 93.0
-
-
Don't know if you welcome replies at this stage but if you do I'm replying
Controlled is very close to exactly what I mean, although kept under control would be closer maybe. The wife is a mixture of two people (one now dead) that I knew well and both of them almost seemed to have their garden plants marching into position, no flowers allowed to bloom out of order, nothing ever the wrong colour and all lines ruler straight. One particular incident which popped back into my mind as I wrote this involved a row on miniature conifers being given a serious telling off for getting slightly too tall, shortly afterwards their fate was more terminal.
Thanks very much for the detailed score and critique. -
-
Jeff,
Please, go to my page and click on (show all) by my poems and read "Culling". Let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Jim -
Jeff,
One reason I don't like adjudicating poetry contests is that it is so objective. I don't usually capitalize the start of each line but, writing as I do, you get more of a feeling that poetry is just prose broken into lines. Starting lines with caps gives more of a poetic look. 'Controlled' to me gives more of a feeling of some kind of supernatural manipulation or science fiction, like she used mind control to manipulate the plants. Even from your explanation, I feel that 'managed', 'superintended',
'governed' or ''manipulatd' may have been better choices. I like 'governed'.
I love your style of writing and found it close to my own. If you check all my critiques and scoring, you'll find I'm tough. More than the word choice, I felt like you understated your theme. It is about how lives and families develope, grow, and end (or are finished).
I have no problem with 'garden' not being capitalized in your title. I believe titles should invite the reader into the poem without giving away the poem. I would suggest a title like "How does your garden grow?" or "and pretty maids all in a row". Your title tells too much.
These are just my opinions and only that.
Good luck and keep writing,
Jim
-
-
-
Oh...might want to cap "garden" in your title?
-
-
Replying briefly to both your comments (if this is inappropriate at this point please ignore), I considered capitalising the "garden" but decided that in the title I wanted to make the garden very general. Inside the poem it is one specific "Garden" so a capital letter would have been right. This was my thought process anyway, of course I may well still be wrong!
And the stanza issue was simply because it doesn't neatly break into equal ones, I don't like breaking a poem up without the breaks relating to the content and I more or less deliberately allowed each element of the content to have its own length. It does start with candidates for two four line groups but thereafter the breaks become less obvious and more erratic, again I am prepared to accept that this will be wrong for some people, as is clearly my capitalising of every line to at least one judge, my only excuse for that one is that when I last studied English that was regarded as correct and starting a line with a lower case letter was something a few cranky modernists did to try to make a point
-
-
Once explained, I can understand your thought process for not capping "garden" in the title; it's just something very hard to bring across to the reader without an explanation like that. Some may understand...and others (like me, lol) will think it was simply overlooked. As a poet it's a chance we all take, of whether we're completely understood or not, with each choice in word or punctuation we make. One reason I love AP is that it gives us the opportunity to get feedback from readers so we can figure out what's working the way we want it to and what maybe doesn't. In the end, the choice is always yours, but at least you have information to base that choice on. I wouldn't expect you to change something from one opinion alone, but at least suggestions are there for you to consider. Writers have found ways to break almost every "rule" in the English language, so I can never say there is a "wrong" way to write anything.
The same goes for capping the beginning of each line. It's very much a matter of personal preference. As long as a poet uses punctuation to help guide me through his or her thoughts, I don't usually mind them being used. Each of us has our own preferences in poetry, capped letters being one of Bear's, just like I dislike anything that looks like a grocery list on a page, and you dislike breaking a poem into unequal stanza lines. In the end...it's all good.
TY again for your entry and response to our comments; they are welcome at any time.
Best wishes,
~J.
-
-
-
yes
Outside of not being broken into stanzas, there's little I didn't enjoy in this. You have a wonderfully unique theme and some great imagery!
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Yes
Good luck. -
Yes~
My fingers were itching to type in "No", but I decided to look past the block of text, and the rhyme which was screaming to me like a siren; and to really read your poem.
Nicely done, and good luck -
Yes ~
I am not surprised at the attention this entry has received ~
I am not a fan of CAPPING every line, and I would have liked to see line breaks, but I am not going into all of that, per say the Rules ~
Very enjoyable Jeff ~
Happy New Year and good luck!
Bear ~
-
aw
This reminds me of when I was a small child my brothers hgad a train set, and when they would leave the room I would make it prettier around the tracks and in the middle making a garden, lol they would spend more time undoing my pretties I had added than playing with the train, I enjoyed this poin very much and it did bring back so classic memories, This is a very unique write and I enjoyed this read very much so!
-
Absolutely love your second line! A project plainly fueled by the love and labor of the whole family.
I get a bit lost in visualizing the sizes involved. An A4 world-record size sounds Big. Gardens vary greatly in size. A miniature world sounds limited in scope. What is "standard 1 Gague"? The station is the size of a shed, with men on it. I guess I look to "size" the farm scene, houses, river, stranded boat, pub, and the vintage cars (train cars or automobiles) by the mental size I affix to the train. And I am not sure what that should be.
Just spent a while on google.com. I finally found a photo (I'm very visual) to give me a frame of reference at http://www.marklin.com/ It shows an adult and child with some trains. I have read that 1 gague is a 1/30th to 1/32nd scale model of the full size. Other sites indicate model railways open to visitors, some with 10 foot tall mountains the trains climb, and 45 minute circuits. I had no idea! Thanks for an illuminating education!
Beautiful line 16, "..men with their pint pots, ignoring the sights".
I like the ideas of labors of love, creation, and making dreams real with our lives. Nicely done 'full circuit' with "The whole world in miniature" to "the world in their garden".
-
-
The typical home model railway, OO in the UK or HO in the USA and Europe HO stands for half O and is half O gauge, O gauge is half 1 gauge etc. 1 gauge is the smallest size practical for live steam, and to fit a decent amount of track in it's a pretty big garden! The station isn't shed sized, in height just in length and time to build, I assume it has engine sheds etc.. The cars are automobiles to an American, during the steam era UK rail passenger vehicles were referred to as carriages.
I don't know anyone who has done as the poem describes in total, but I know of people with various parts of it, and if someone gives me a few million quid for the land I'll start building tomorrow!
-
-
Hmmm
A world in a garden. How so very cool.
That world is our world; and our man is a fool. -
I'd love a model railway, and I love this poem.
-
Good
The scene is a great picture. Best to you in the contest.
-
I was looking at your new contest, and just HAD to read this poem. It was a wonderful metaphor, perfectly rhymed, and told a beautiful story. I have many friends, (conductors) who still work for AMTRAK. and always fascinated my miniature train sets, your contest is an inspiration I will delve into as my first poem of the year. You are quiute an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
Shana
-
This was unlike anything I have ever read. I really loved the metaphors. There were so many lines that stuck out for me... I don't really want to waste this comment just rewriting your whole poem. Just let me say that this deserves at LEAST silver. Fabulous job. Good luck.
-
Interesting.
A great English rural scene - reminds me of my childhood in England. Actually, I did go to see the Mallard at York in 1990 - very impressive.
-
Great job on this piece my friend. I areally wonderful and exciting piece. Good luck in the contest.
-
Great work!
You did a great job on this.
-
Mat Larkin is right, there is a lot of vivid imagery into this poem! I like the title, it's just amazing! I can tell you worked hard on the poem! Good job!
-
Excellent work..
such vivid imagery woven into a riveting piece..It is funny you chose to explain my fav line "cars of the vintage.." I have no criticism of this piece..it is outstanding from the first line through the last.
-
Reading this is like walking into a grand store...what do I look at first? What do I touch? This is so full of pictures (thank you) and thoughts...I will read this one many times over. Love, Lane
-
Very unique.
I found this to be very unique and interesting. You have chosen a very good title for this piece and it fits just what you describe. I really could not hardely wait till the end to read just what you wee trying to get at. It is really good and very discriptive. However I found one little flaw and this is it:
in line 20 you should have written ( Snapped by the man that the local rag sent.
or (Snapped by the man that local rag sent.)
either way would make more sence. Overall a well written piece. Good luck in the contest.
-
-
Thank-you for that, I've read it a dozen times and not spotted "the that" a simple typo but they can be so easy to miss. Thanks again.
-
-
oh this is wonderful!! it reminds me of the saying 'count your blessings' and yours are all around you, all the memories treasured and fresh. The poem is so descriptive you can almost see it and it sounds wonderful. Your happiness expresses itself as complete
-
An interesting piece with some great imagery. Very well penned. Good luck with it in the contest and a very Happy New Year!
-
This is wonderful! As always, your rhyme is great, I especially like the fourth beat meter you created by alternating 10 and 11 syllable lines. The image is beautiful.
Love,
Amera♥
-
-
I hadn't counted them, it just sounded lovely in my head. I shall check in future.
-
-
Driven by steam and the force of his will.
in this line well maybe if "his" will be replaced by "His" this may emphasized the One who started everything
-
-
He's only made a model railway, don't think that needs an H, great though it is pretty good!
-
-
Awesome Write...
Grasps the imagination to build the setting...
Lo-Amo!
Salute!!! -
This is fascinating. Imagery is superb and I was so drawn into this with each line. I see nothing wrong with your spelling or your rhyme scheme. One grammatical thing is that it seems like there should be a dash between "train" and "loving" in the fourth line. I don't know if it has to, but it seemed like it would. I hope you do well in the contest.
Definitely not what I expected when I clicked the title, but far superior to my expectations. Incredibly well written.
All the best in the contest and I hope to read more from you quite soon.
-kate -
This is fascinating. Imagery is superb and I was so drawn into this with each line. I see nothing wrong with your spelling or your rhyme scheme. One grammatical thing is that it seems like there should be a dash between "train" and "loving" in the fourth line. I don't know if it has to, but it seemed like it would. I hope you do well in the contest.
Definitely not what I expected when I clicked the title, but far superior to my expectations. Incredibly well written.
All the best in the contest and I hope to read more from you quite soon.
-kate
-
-
Good thought, hyphen added thank-you.
-
-
I really like this. I am fascinated by those who create those wonderful minature gardens....and this one sounds spectacular! Great images, very interesting read.
Best wishes in the contest.
-
very cool, it sounds like a whole family worked together on this to complete it like a family works to complete itself, good job.
-
If we could all just find a creative little hobby to engage ourselves in don't you think the world would be better for it,"cricket"? This is a very charming tribute to your friends who have found such a pursuit.
-
A very entertaining and eduacational write!
This was a fun read and the imagery is great, as is the rhyme and the rythm
You did a great job with this!
Thanks for sharing it with us!
-
A wonderfully rich tale, superior rhythm and rhyme, I loved this piece, great work and good luck in the contest Hugs, Bunny
Adding your comment:
1 - 50 of 50
