The room pulses as guitar strings
are coaxed by sinewy brown hands
to bray and wail in bittersweet incantations.
Cigarette smoke plays sleight of hand
with the ventilation system and smolders
in a heavy silver haze in one corner.
A waitress wearing too much make-up
and just enough clothes asks if I’m doing ok.
I suppose I am.
I probably look out of place,
maybe that’s why she asks every few minutes.
A dusty cowboy in an inner city Blues Bar...
I should have left my hat in the truck, I guess.
“Fucking redneck”, I hear someone say,
another laughs at my hat, making reference
to Brokeback Mountain.
I shrug it off and order another round,
as I drink in the vanilla perfume
from the scantily dressed girl.
I came to listen
to the Legend play the music
that both soothes and torments
the knotted shadows of my life.
The old man on stage don’t mind,
he keeps singing and playing
as I find myself rapping the same tune
on the oak counter in front of me,
oblivious to everything
but the whiskey and the Blues.
His fingers twist and bend
in one grand final staccato.
The thirty or so patrons
give an obligatory applause,
then go about their drinking and conversing.
He gets off his stool,
and comes over to the bar
where I’m sitting.
“Nice hat” he rasps,
then orders whiskey on ice.
I say, “That’s what I’m drinking,
let me buy you one.”
A whiskey engaged conversation commences
and after a while I’m asked,
“Ever play guitar, son?”
Ashamed I say no, then add,
tossing back my drink,
“but I can make four
strands of barbwire sing!"
He laughs with rheumy eyes
that can’t hide his pain.
The Legend walks back to the stage,
picks up his guitar and begins to play.
Song after song bleeds from golden hands
and stains blue the smoky room.
Before he finishes the set,
he addresses the crowd with
“This little ditty I call
The Barbwire Blues.”
A mesmerizing display of guitarmanship
rattles the room as he both
assaults and caresses the strings.
I am shaken to my marrow.
The waitress asks again if
I’m ok, this time though,
she stops long enough
to look into my eyes.
For a brief moment she peers
into the inner core of a man
just pardoned of sins
and freed of encumbrances.
She smiles. I smile.
On stage the Legend
releases his own demons
from the frets and chords
of their hollow existence.
I think he even smiled.
Author notes
As with all my poetry, I appreciate constructive feedback so that I can improve as a writer. Please give it to me straight, I'm a big boy, I can take it.
A contest entry
- For the New Year! Give me your best! by Auburn Sunrise.
1000 points, ended January 1, 2008, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Real Poetry by Hermit Risin.
600 points, ended January 2, 2008, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your best work composed over the last twelve months by Lute.
600 points, ended January 9, 2008, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Imagery by angryelf6886.
350 points, ended April 5, 2008, 30 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your favorite Prewrite by SignifyingNothing.
875 points, ended August 9, 2008, 112 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Salute To Kris Kristopherson - The Pilgrim by lunarlunacy.
700 points, ended November 12, 2008, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whispers of the Muse by SubKitten.
3045 points, ended May 19, 156 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 59 of 59
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poor boy
deserves 5 stars...
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I came to listen
to the Legend play the music
that both soothes and torments
the knotted shadows of my life.
Damn......
this was excellent..
it should be gold right down the line.
Felt like i was hangain out in the bar with ya brother....
your one great story teller....
never doubt that.
Superb!
Fantastic title.....
They call it stormy Monday,
but Tusedays just as bad,
Liam -
Now that's what I'm talkin 'bout!!! I love it! I wish I had opened up the contest to pre-writes. Wow, I feel every word you said. I think I must have been the only white face in the crowd at a BBKing concert in Savanna. Not that it's a bad thing, just noticeable...kinda like your "redneck" hat in the inner city blues bar. I've been there so many times. I am rooted in the culture of the Appalachia's (but don't label me if you have seen the news coverage of the place) Sure there are people who live like that, but there are a lot of us who just want to Sing The Blues!
Before he finishes the set,
he addresses the crowd with
“This little ditty I call
The Barbwire Blues.”
For a brief moment she peers
into the inner core of a man
just pardoned of sins
and freed of encumbrances.
So heartfelt!!! and true!
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Now here is a writer who clearly understands what subtlety is. This really packs a wallop, and I loved it. The fact that something so insightful, honest and original has never won a contest is a testament to rampant bad taste. If you win this one, you will have deserved it.
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Mesmerized
caught up in the story and imagery I felt as if I was in that bar hearing the blues and watching a cowboy from afar. Haunting, poetic, real.. a magnificent piece of work! Who said rednecks can't write!!
... I have a little history with that...
Jo
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Amazing imagery and description in this piece. It ensnares the reader from the very first line, and leaves you at the end with an almost chilling feeling. Subtly emotional, and creates a truly unique and genuine scene. The addition of dialogue added to it quite a bit, and gave it a more realistic and story-like feeling, letting the reader connect with it more. Fantastic piece!
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Great evocation of man and music, and the narrator as audience through whom it all filters is a brilliant focus for the story. Vey well done.
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i was comletely emersed as i read that. could see it, feel it, you really brought it off the page. Thank you for sharing that here. I can see how it brought several cups, thought befitting of a shinier one I'd say. I balk at awarding 1st or 2nd to a prewrite with so many cups already, but it would be a greater travesty not to give it a higher one that is oh so warranted.
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Mighty fine
Not much more to say. One excellent and intersting story
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I really like this. It tells a story so well. I don't think I've had another "story poem" in this contest. This was very effective, I could almost see it in my head, and hear the guitar music. Very great job. Congratulations on the trophies and thanks for entering!
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Actually I was seriously, and I mean seriously, considering closing this contest and getting all of my points back- but then I read this. And I will keep the contest open just because your piece inspired me so much to do so.
This reminds me so much of a book I read- but actually better. I don't know- there's something about it where you had to be there to really understand it but also I just couldn't stop reading it. I could actually feel the thoughts and emotions of the main character as if they were my own- which was the objective of this contest.
So thank you. And good luck.
~Elizabeth~ -
Nice! The imagery used here is so vivid that I felt as if I was in that bar along with you. What a unique write! I love this! Patty
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I loved it!
The imagery and descriptions give this a real sense of realism. I loved the flow of this piece, along with the story contained within. The way you did this, I felt the release of emotion from the Legend at the end.
Truly wonderful, well done. -
have you edited this? I remember commenting on it before but it sounds more polished and reads much more smoothly. If not, I must have had less time before to fully appreciate the tone and atmosphere you have captured here. Loved it!
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Congrats on all of your bronze trophies! I love this poem. It's flows nicely and I enjoyed that. Very well done
Spreading love,
Miley -
i loved it. plain and simple. and if i werent in the middle of a speedy finish for judging this contest id write more. but i have to go read the rest. hopefuly their as entertaining as yours =}
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your words put me right into that bar. watching you with your hat and the vanilla-scented waitress. i could almost hear the music
thanks for entering and best of luck
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Nice Work
Hello there and thanks for entering my contest i thought your piece has excellent story and the imginely was perfect too well thanks again for entering and best of luck too you!
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Beautiful piece strong in imagery and diction and everything else that is right for me to read in a poem. you know what i wanted and I got it all right! thanks for entering!
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I think this is a wonderful write and you done so well with the imagery where used, I felt like I was there watching him in the bar.
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content-7.7
vocabulary-11
accuracy-7.6
creativity-7.7
theme-7.7
originality-7.6
totals-49.3 -
i loved how out of place he was - both in himself and in the bar. i loved smelling the perfume and the smoke and the clink of ice on the side of a whisky glass. the pictures are familiar enough we can focus on the point, and i love a poem i can actually sit back and enjoy. your words were as smooth and seductive as the coaxing of good blues.
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Looks like a gold to me
Title grabs attention, story holds it all the way through. Plenty to look at and enough action.
Fuckin' rednecks, we're all over the place now, even writing some great poems.
Buddy
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This was absolutley wonderfull, a great tale. i felt every emotion, saw every scene, heard every word. i dont think ive read a peice of poetry that ive enjoyed more in quite a while. you are of the greats on this site, i can tell already and ive only read one of your works. keep it up and youll have a permanent fan!
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I could not stop reading! You took my hand and walked me straight in to the heart of this piece. I could smell the smoke, taste the drink and hear the sounds as I read. That makes a great writer in and of itself but then you drew the reader in and made me want to finish this piece! Wonderfully done and good luck in the contest! It would be a well deserved win!
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Truley amazing
And I thought I was a story teller.... "ohh how we all still have so much to learn" says the 'ol man as he steps from the darkened smoke filled corner of the bar. That's where I felt that I was standing as this played out act by act on this cowboys night out on the town. Amazing job and a well deserved applaud and standing ovation. I wish you the very best of luck in the contest in which you have entered. I will inturn look forward to more of your work. Bravo!! Gary
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wow! Having been a blues fan for a number of years I can smell the atmosphere and I sense the entensity of men who hide their emotions until a 12 bar blues weeps it out of them. The build in the middle creates the sound of fingers drumming on a table as it builds and the short sharp lines clip the conversation to its bare essentials when all that matters is the feeling! I would take out the line 'where I'm sitting and 'let me buy you one. and make the 3 stanza's 2 (if you know what I mean) just a suggestion
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Not bad. Honestly.
You need to have a bit more faith in yourself. This was very intense... especially the ending. That was perfect. Great job!
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Very good
Here the penmanship is as mesmerising as the guitarmanship, if not more. What is the theme of the Birbwire blues? We do not know, but can perhaps guess by the total effect of the poem. It is 'blue' and deeply moving so that after the guitarman's performance is over we are tongue-tied, we have no words.
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9-9.5 (for reference I'm doing a scale 1-10 for ease later)
amazingly captivating, admittedly it is a bit difficult to get into at first, but it really draws you in. really well-expressed, and well-written, but i have to say you would have ruined it if you hadn't kept it simple and clean cut. nice work -
LOL. I love your author's comments...
but criticism?
I can't find any! (I'm happy to report) I found this a mesmerizing, charming poem and I love the upbeat ending.
Definitely worthy of the contest, this is an excellent write!
I love how you told a story with so few words and left the most important parts out... making the reader's mind work to find imaginative reasons why he is so blue.
Cunning and creative. Brilliantly original.
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Aside from a couple of typos this is perfect.
I was literally disappointed when it ended, hoping for more.
I felt as though you took me into the bar with you and I was watching as everything unfolded.
you are an awesome story teller and I am so glad that you shared this with us.
I have not read a better written story, you truly are a creative and talented writer.
Thanks for the read!
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This is a great story.
I think you wrote a great story here, but I'm not familiar with this style as a poem.I truely think it is a great story, written with feelings and conveys to the reader these same emotions well.
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Tears!
along with a moment of silence and then an encore! please I beg of you this was tremendous! I felt I was in the room with the weight of an intense drama being played out.... -
Personally, I don't think I would alter this one too much. It flows well, the scene plays smoothly and I love the real life quality of it. Excellent.
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Perfectly Penned Pertinence Pennance
wow say that 5 tymes- Great reading Exceptional Write-Thank you for the evening shared!!Seriously...Song after song bleeds from golden hands
and stains blue the smoky room. Awesome-and what an extraordinary smile you have... just pardoned of sins
and freed of encumbrances...I saw that smile that illuminated all- through that window provided-
love and light-Thanks for shareing
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BRILLIANT!!
I like this poem a lot,
i dont know why you have it on the featured list....
I read it through 4 times, and am sending this link to friends
i loved the imagery and lfow of the poem....
Keep Writing!!
Annie Shadows
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Excellent write. The story really hooked into me and made me read through a second time (which is saying something, because I'm not usually much for long poems). I loved the personification and imagery. The relationship between the narrator and the old man is really something worth thinking about. Great job!
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Enjoyed this story you told so well with your words in this poem. Liked the flow and the ending of the write. ALways more to what is there, we just need to take the time to listen and learn, and then let it all sink in. Easy to read, like drinking a good drink, gets better with each read.
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You did an excellent job of capturing the experience of a live blues performance. Great descriptive piece! I also like the contrast of the listener and the blues man and their interaction that showed how they were also alike. Well done!
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Good write here
Yes I found in your work from what I understood so often we dont take the time that few seconds to understand another yet those who do can see the pain within and it makes that person understand he is not alone
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Great comment truly
one must accept what is within without understanding befoe it is acceptable to understand what we are without
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Well Done My Friend
In the sum of all it's parts, it is an awesome write.
Lacking nothing, but the time to read and enjoy it again. Gotta go and do just that!
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That's what I'm talking about!!!
Rory, I can't say enough about how far our joint endeavours have brought us. To spell out the point of a piece one needs a lattice for the words to grow on. The cross members of that lattice are background going one way and characters going the other. This of course creates diamond shapes in the voids. From there one plants words which grow like a vine up the lattice and bloom when read. This analogy would leave those who only know how to say exactley how they are feeling verbatim lost in interpretation. This is my doctrine of writing and the telling of this is as if you had written one of its gospels. RC
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I was lost in your words as you told your story. You are still the most amazing storyteller with an ability to hold my attention from the first word to the last...and leave me wanting more. There is no need for critical comments because I thought it was perfect.
Margaret
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I felt like I was in the bar...I saw the waitress and I smelled her perfume...this is superb.
All i can say really is thank you for a wonderful read.
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It's a great sentiment and basically a good write but the blues, even in poetry, needs rhyme to rip your out guts and tittilate your sense.
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This is excellent.
Reminds me of a couple of times I have sat in little hole in the walls down south with my relatives looking out of place and catching "who the hell is that guy" looks
Also reminds me of the time I met B.B. King.
Really captured the mood and the atmosphere of the whole scene in this piece.
Cheers
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You can actually write
The telltale descriptive vocabulary, the images created, the sounds communicated all point to a soul with writing ability. It's beautiful.
Tecohe
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thanks for sharing
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This is truly 'Real Poetry'. I am captivated whenever I read your words...now, what are you going to do with me?
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I don't know if I could critique you because your writing is superb. And the story in this amazing as well. Nice write.
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wonderful the length did not matter of me to read this all in fact i enjoyed it till the last word such a wonderful write thanks for letting us read this wonderful piece of poettry
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I don't really have any constructive feedback to give you. I really, really enjoyed this piece - I feel it has a very powerful statement to make, and that you conveyed that statement beautifully.
You are a very creative person, sir. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
Good write!
(PS: I found you using the random button at the bottom of the screen. I'm glad I did.) -
oh, I also meant to add that I really like your free verse as well as rhyming poems - you do both equally as well..
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this is so amazing....
"Song after song bleeds from golden hands
and stains blue the smoky room."
I love that..but there are so many really creative lines here, and of course emotion and imagery...excellent poem..
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You do draw in your readers with the brilliance of the storyteller and the talent of the poet. You set up the atmosphere and then paint in the background...the word artist at work and paint with imagery as you draw us into where you want your readers to be right there in the scene. Watching as we do while you guide us through the lines directing the movie and we the reader are extras being placed into parts of the audience. You are truly a talent and one hell of a storyteller. Thank you for the pleasure.
*Clappy* At the end of the set i too am smiling as i stand in applause.
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This is a mind-blowing piece of work, my man. It blows bullshit out the window and cuts to the raw heart of poetry and life. It is poetry with muscles and balls, yet it is as sensitive as an angel's nerve-strings. Excellent work.
Bill
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My words cant express a fraction of what you have written, this is AWESOME for lack of a better word. It reads like a movie that I would like to watch over and over. I come from a redneck country place that can appreciate a guitar that can "bray and wail" at the hands of man that speaks through his music. Can I buy you a drink cowboy!
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