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Promises in D Major

Notes trickle legato through
our limbs as we staccato
step our way to the
dance alley.

Together, we trumpet blues
and pinks, making jazzy
rainbows collide and
collapse with tenuto
holdings.


We're slow dancing as the
streetlamps and cell phones
illuminate our chromatic
crescendos rising as
our fingers end
in cadence.

Author notes

Option numbah 1: Best Summer Memory. It said it's annonymous, so I'll just put my username: HagarenHanyou and age: 15, here.

^.^
My only love poem that's actually about...love.

Saw a music sheet--which I used the notations from to create a poem. Really, just wanted to see what I could come up with using musical terms.

A contest entry

Any good?

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    July 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    There a are some interesting images in this piece. Sort of took my mind on a trip. I like this, it's creative. The flow seems a bit off, but could be the way I was reading it. Either way it is nicely done :)


  • myusikah
    June 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hey, this is entered in a contest I entered, and also one of my own, lol. I love this, because I myself am a music fan, as you might tell from my username. This really paints an image in one's mind. It truly is awesome!
    Good luck!
    -->pia♫♪


    • HagarenHanyou
      June 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      And yeah, I enter this one in contests often mainly because it's one of my only love poems about actually loving someone, and I ablsolutely love musical metaphor.


  • GypsyEyes
    June 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this poem is very beautifully written! thank you so much for entering my contest and i wish you the best of luck! ~CarnalNineTailedFox


  • Hectic Michelle
    June 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So cute and very sweet! I wish that I could add music to this! Its already singing in my head! I hope that you do well in my contest! Thank you!


  • N e a r
    February 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ~
    This reminds me of the 50s. I didn't live in that decade, by my grandmother did. And I used to hang out with her back at my old home. The colors you used and the descriptions in here were very pleasing, and I enjoyed the write!
    ~

    Thanks for entering my Valentine's Day contest, and good luck!

    M a r l u x i a


  • Wolven Roses
    February 4, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well, let's see. I'm in the under-18 range too, but that never changed the judges before. XD
    I would say, as a piano player, that this was a great way to incorperate the musical dynamics into a relationship.
    The rhythm went well, and it was by no means too lovey-dovey. (I've seen worse. XD )
    On the other hand, I don't know if you used those dynamics correctly.
    For example, I may just be tired, but I'm not really getting how entwined fingers crecendo. XP
    The staccato steps make a lot of sense, and I can imagine the limbs being legato.
    The second stanza was quite nice.
    All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed how the poem was short, but also left a lot to consider.
    Thank you.

    • HagarenHanyou
      February 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you.

      For the entwined fingers crescendo thing, I was picturing more of a motion than a sound. Many pieces end with a gradual crescendo to the end, correct? Well, that's how I pictured the dancing.

      It may be a little confusing, but I thought I had edited this one. Perhaps give it another read whenever you recieve this? The end will be changed to the previous edit that somehow didn't come through here.

      • Wolven Roses
        February 4, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        O, I kinda get it now. Its not really that confuzing, I understand what you mean about teh ending, though usually it has a decrecendo after it...
        I'll make sure to check back. Don't worry. XP

  • ecrivain01
    January 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I totally disagree with ...

    Avatar of Innocence. Removing the articles is a really dumb idea, and I strongly advise against it. This is a fine poem, and it works well on its own level. There's a very classy feel to this poem, and I have to compliment you on a job well done.

  • HagarenHanyou
    January 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    But it was a love story, which is why I used so many possesive adjectives.

    Thank you for the comments.
    Much of your revision seems fragmented, which isn't the feeling I'm going for with this piece. (Well, I think it should be more round as a love story.) I used rainbows as a basic feel-good word, as that's more of a feel-good stanza. I could say "hues"?

    I like your revision of the last line. The whole last stanza, though, is a bit off, and I think I'll completely revise that bit. I thank you again.

    I'd be glad to submit another piece. Probably a prewrite, but I'll see what else is in my notebook.


  • Avatar of Innocence
    December 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Not a love poem, as it really doesn’t describe love or acts of love; nor is it dedicated to a beloved. Your poem misses a startling piece of imagery, and doesn’t describe as much as it tells. Please find it. I appreciate the smart choice of diction. Last line lacks “oomph”. Try taking out a bunch of your articles so that your poem seems less of a penned memory (journal entry).


    Notes trickle legato
    through limbs;
    staccato stepping our way
    to dance alley.

    Trumpet blues,
    pinks (another pinkish color could do) in sync,
    making jazzy rainbows [(why not iridescence? rainbows seems overuses)]
    tenuto holdings.

    Streetlamps and cell
    phones illuminate
    crescendos of our
    entwining fingers

    until they can slow dance
    to revolving doors;
    waltzing new possibilities (prospects).


    Just my suggestions for your poem, you know you needn’t listen to me. By all means, submit another poem, this was not unbearable, but rather interesting. I’d like to see what else you’ve got.

1 - 12 of 12