it's funny.
i was so afraid each scuffle under the sheets,
each creaking footstep and fumbling
in darkness would keep me wide eyed and wary
all night.
but i got used to that easily enough.
now i miss your breathing,
the reassurance of the presence of
another life, another burrowing body
curled around itself.
Author notes
probably not about what you're thinking exactly.
this came to me quite suddenly last night (12/27/07), one of the rarities that just sort of happen. haven't written in almost a year and this hasn't gone through the rigors of extensive editing yet, so it's probably a bit rough and i would especially love any constructive criticism you can give me. it feels slightly incomplete to me. title suggestions are heartily welcomed as well! thanks!
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Sad...poignant...beautiful.
I know you wrote it about a year ago, and you might've edited it, but I don't think it needs editing. I personally think poetry should be left as it comes...I almost always prefer my first draft.
I really love this. -
Eloquently expressed. I am always amazed at the things we think we will miss and the things we actually do. Well Done!
Mariana
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nice poem,
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Beautiful write... It shows both the fear and longing of another person just by being beside you. It does seem a liiitle bit incomplete, but only in the sense that after a little thought, you could maybe write some more to it.
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You are a talented writer. This is excellent. Touching and sweet and so sad, the longing, empty nights -- perfect.
Garrison
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It came in the middle of the night? My... I wish things would come to me that way too.
The last stanza was most probably the most striking part. It expresses so much with just a few lines. I believe that this here, all the feelings/emotions you’ve put across is a predicament that we often find so funny… but can be deeply sad about it somehow.
It kinda lacked depth, something that would really draw in the readers in. But in the end, you really had me feeling it even though if (lacking depth) was the case. I completely understand this cause it just came to you so instantly.
Thanks so much for your comment have a blessed day!
-Blanche
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This is really sweet. And it makes a lot of sense, which is great considering it came to you in them middle of the night (my middle of the night muse is insane) Great job with this piece, so feeling, and very true, how one can get so used to something, and so empty when its gone.
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Nice write. Wish poems like this came to me suddenly in the middle of the night. Oh well, at least you are here to share them.
As for a title, the first word that came to mind was "irony" but it seems like it might be too strong a word (just feels too forceful next to the "softness" of the poem.)
Good luck coming up with a title for the piece. It deserves a good one.
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now i miss your breathing,
the reassurance of the presence of
another life, another burrowing body
curled around itself.
That's my favorite verse in the poem! This poem is totally awesome! I love the feeling that it has and the way that it has the ability to move someone. I hope to see more good poetry from you and to see you around. I always have contests going on, you should enter a poem sometime. I am pretty sure that you will win some!
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I liked how your viewpoints in the first stanza and last stanza were contradicting. It was a great way to show growth and development. Awesome write!
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love it!
I think this is great... I don't really like the word "scuffle" because it makes me think you're fighting with a person. and maybe tighten the "but that was easy to adjust to" - maintaining the idea while changing the words a little?
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I'm thinking "Hindered" for the title... don't know why.
It is a bit raw, but that is part of its beauty.
I absolutely love the simplicity (and yet emotional complexity) of this write.
I read it a few times, pouring over the words again and again, getting a general feel for them... the image was a stunningly clear one of loneliness and insecurity. Of wrapping your arms around yourself, feeling utterly naked from aloneness.
Beautiful. -
hmm this is a great poem about missing someone awesome job!
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i really liked this.
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i think you're a great poet! i like this very much
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I identify strongly with this, even if you feel it to be slightly rough. It's not funny, it's strange, or odd. /but that was easy to adjust to/ takes me out of the intimacy to observe from afar, stilted there. Maybe /I got used to that, easily/ or something similar. I don't like to make suggestions on other's poems, though. So ignore that. But you're talking about what is happening with me, right now, and this moved me.
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i like "creaking footstep and fumbling in darkness"...the meter of these lines is rhythmical. I think the wording starts to get awkward around "easy to adjust to"...maybe you could find a different way to phrase this, and then tie that into how it was better to be scared with someone else than scared alone. I liked "burrowing body" and the image of a form shrinking around itself, so close to you and yet isolated. i think the addition of a few more lines either interjected or at the end, would help give this a more polished feel. as for a title, i'm not sure. keep working on this, i'd love to read it when its finished!
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