WARNING - SOME "LANGUAGE"
(Okay, before anyone unloads on me, let me just say ahead of time,
this is a poem entry for a contest called "Bah Fucking Humbug"
mocking Christmas.
Nuf said?
Alrighty then!)
I was on my way to a party on Christmas Eve
When I saw a Benz in my mirror coming up fast.
It was a one-lane road so I couldn't move over.
He tailgated me then flipped me off as he passed.
I got to the party and was parking out front
And what did I see double-parked in the street?
That's right - Mr. Shithead's precious Mercedes.
Now this was somebody that I just had to meet!
I found him inside with arms full of presents
Smiling sappily, full of warmth and good cheer.
I couldn't believe the big, fat, phony poser.
I felt like sticking my fist in his ear.
But I didn't. I'm a peaceful man, after all.
Actually, that prick taught me an important fact.
I guess I knew it already. He just reminded me.
That for most people, Christmas is just a big act.
They spend the whole year being absolute fuckwads
Shitting on everyone, with nary a kind word to say,
Then they act all sweet and syruppy at parties
To convince everyone that they're always that way.
So yay! Here's to Christmas! Big fuckin' deal.
Let's all pretend we care about our fellow men.
Then when we wake up on December twenty-sixth,
We can go back to being fuckin' assholes again!
In a list
A contest entry
- Bah! Fucking Humbug!!!!!!!!!!! by elemental angel.
500 points, ended January 1, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
-
Another too true, but still fu**ing funny!! Don't you just know way too many people like this. At the end of the day there are way too many people who have lots of charisma, but no character!
-
-
Austar,
Yes, the appearance of virtue is enough for most people these days. Actually possessing it is too much work! lol So we end up with a society full of posers. It's like the meeting at the corporation that opened with, "Okay, people, listen up. This week's gimmick is sincerity."
-
-
lol... too funny
I got a great laugh out of this one, Mark. Too true. I wonder sometimes at how you come up with this stuff. Did this happen to you?
-
-
Hey Chuck,
I can't recall if I answered your question about this in an IM before but for the record, this actually did happen to me, but in another situation. I was going to my dojo and saw a guy driving like a jerk, flipping people off, etc., then when he got to the school, he started acting like a zen master. It's actually more funny that way because martial artists are supposed to be so non-violent. I just changed the details of the story for the sake of the contest, which asked us to slam Christmas. As the old writer's saying goes, "Never let the truth ruin a good story."
-
-
Anyone who shows off their skills deserves only disrespect. He, in his security, takes advantage of others who know not of his training. Thus he is a predator, not a zenmaster nor even a good human being. He has failed to attain his level, for to earn that belt, you must from what I know of Martial Arts, have learned a level of thinking not just a level of movement. I have heard so many stories of those who wear belts. Yet, I've never heard of any of them being withdrawn. I have never called anyone "master" and will never do so. I have many equals, many superiors in my work, but never a master. To be a Master, in my humble opinion, you must be God. No matter how much you control me, you cannot control that which you cannot touch, the human soul.
-
-
Actually, the person I was referring to was another student, not the owner of the school. I agree that anyone who uses skills outside of a life or death situation is an idiot. I think martial artists that harass others are actually acting out of the inherent insecurity that made them start training in the first place. Most people who become black belts were victimized or belittled terribly in one way or another growing up.
Regarding the "master" title, there are many definitions. Of course, the ultimate meaning of master is the title given Jesus Christ, which nobody but Him deserves. Another is "maestro" or conductor of an orchestra. Another is master and slave, or owner and owned which, thank God, is no longer in use (in America, anyway, and unless you include husbands and wives.) Another is a "master of the violin, cello, kazoo, etc., which is the same way the term master is used in martial arts. He/she is just a master of that particular style, nothing more. There's no meaning beyond that. I don't consider a master of martial arts to be an unflawed human being, either. They're just as human and fallible as anyone else.
Thanks for your thoughts. It's always interesting to get your perspective.
Mark
-
-
-
-
I like this. I really do. I couldn't help but laugh at how true this is. Nice job.
I like the Burly nasty looking Santa. Nice touch.
-
OMG, You just got bronze for this?! Alright let me go talk to the judge ... Even when you write a poem illustrating a story you always seem to convey the truth, whether the reader wants to admit it or not its true! I know a lot of "posers" that go back to "shitheads" once Christmas is over! Wonderful Write as always
-
BEAUTIFUL!!! Sounds like my Dad! HAHAHAHA!!! Most people don't care to live the spirit of Christmas at all, huh? Hey, I wish you'd check out a beautiful gem by Kipling called, "Eddi's Service." Now THAT'S what Christmas is all about!!! God bless, man, and I do hope you had a happy one! - oce
-
-
You too, Oce. I hope 2008 is full of good things for you. I'll check out that poem. Thanks!
Mark
-
-
That's a hilarious story. I can't believe they had a whole chorus of kids putting their middle fingers in the air. lol Thanks for the bronze, Melodies. Happy New Year!
Mark -
A very funny thing you have written...
I can't help laughing because this reminds me that a children's chorus here in my town learned a song/finger play where each finger represented a positive behavior. Yes, they waved each finger in the air and sang about the good thing associated with that finger. The middle finger (cracking me up thinking about it, actually...
) had these words to it: "Be clean, be clean, always be clean in thought and deed." SOOOOO... one day my friend, whose children sang in the chorus was driving somewhere with her kids in the car and one kid said, "Hey, Mom, lots of drivers know our finger song and keep telling us to be clean!" Seriously.
lol Melodies who loves your poem.
-
very good!!...even if I do have problems picturing you as the humbug type dear mark ahhh....still I suppose that shows your talent for improvisation....dare I wish you a happy new year?....hugs leanne xxx
-
On some levels, I think that this is kind of true.
-
This ought to win...... it's ridiculous enough in a goofy way. Well written... perfect "bah-humbug" poetry.
You have a way with words, Mark. I don't think that will ever change. Thank God it's a positive way most of the time. LOLLLLLL
Happy New Year!!!!!! And just wait for the people to make new year's resolutions to be nice, patient and kind.... and then, two days later.... they flip you off too!!!!!!!!!!!! haahhahaaaaa GASP! hahaahaaaaaa
-
-
Thanks! It's fun to write a negative poem for a change and let the cynic within reign once in a while. lol I think people can sometimes be worse at Christmas because they think they're supposed to be happier than normal, which of course only magnifies their unhappiness and makes them resent people that either are truly happy or are just pretending to be for the sake of holiday tradition. Then they think, "I'll teach these bastards a lesson for being so damn happy when I'm not" and climb a tower with a high-powered rifle. Conclusion - Christmas is the most dangerous holiday of the year. lol
You're right - it's bad enough to be a jerk year 'round and put on an act for Christmas, but it must be worse to make a resolution to be kinder, then flip somebody off the next day! lol Oh, well. Every day is a new chance to reinvent ourselves. Holidays are just artificial starting points.
Happy New Year to you, too! See you soon. I'm jonesing to train again. I still work the bag at home pretty regularly but it's just not the same as getting pummeled by friends. lol
Mark
-
-
Hilarious!
i laffed so hard when i read it. I know exactly what your talking about. Infact it happened to my mom and me last night. jackass came right up behind us. then flipped us off
. Rewarded 4
-
-
H and A,
Well, there ya go. The world is full of guys like that. I usually just run them off the road, or a high cliff if possible, and yell "Merry Christmas" as they're plummeting to their deaths to show them I have more class than they do. lol
Happy New Year!
Mark
-
-
Yeah
that's life alright. -
Haha! Gah! That first stanza!
I was in the car with my mom once and it was a two lane road; someone was driving on OUR side of the road coming right at us with no sign of moving over.
At this point my mom and I are, "AHH!"
At the last moment they swerve over with horn blarring and flip US off! Gah! WHAT? Are they serious? It was our call! We should be flipping THEM off! Assholes!
And you're right, Christmas is an act for a lot of people...and it's very difficult for the people like me who has to be the bright ray of f'ing sunshine...all by my lonesome...
Brilliant write, good luck.
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
. Rewarded 8
-
Brilliant!
Holy shit, that was incredible. So true, so true. Great work. xP
-
Bravo!
Man...I'll tell ya...My youngest daughter sent on on an excursion for the Wii®. It was an all day trip into reality! I finally got to Best Buy® as my daughter had called on the cell phone telling me there were 27 systems in stock. When I got to the front of the line there were five components left. There were at least a dozen people behind me...they began to push and shove from in the rear of the line. I glanced over my shoulder at the person standing directly behind me, gave a grimace face, as if to dare them to push me, then smiled. Needless to say, the pushing stopped there. When I finally got the Wii®, I walked out of the store thinking, and this is suppose to be one of the most peaceful times of the year. ~sigh
Sometimes it truly makes me angered to know that toys for children bring out the worst in people at Christmas time. The damn thing cost upward of $400 bucks too.
Crazeee...
Thanks for this reality check Mark. I love the note left as a warning. LOL You almost had to do that here at AP!
Good luck in the contest dear man and Happy Holidays to You & Yours! ♥ † ♥
Renee
-
GREAT STYLE!!!
HEY,first let me say that I really like your style of writing. Middle american, with the direct approach of a mid-westerner.
I know the kind of people that you are talking about in your piece. I always had a problem with the folks that showed up for Easter, or Christmas Eve, yet all year long they cheat on thier wives, cheat thier customers to make an extra dime, pillars of the community, and the first ones to point a finger, or spread rumors.
I have come to a conclusion in my life, and that is that people are doing the best that they can. The actor, Will Smith, was just blasted in the press for saying that " even Hitler did not wake up thinking about what horrific things he could do that day". We can't judge people against ourselves, because we all have a different past behind us. All we can do is to present ourselves in our best light, and hope that it is a bright light for someone who needs it.
Again, great read.
bob (hitthispuppy)
. Rewarded 8
-
-
Thanks for your thoughts on this, Bob. I agree - the people who try to sell themselves as pillars of the community are often the ones who beat their wives and kids, and torture their pets with kitchen utensils. I guess they figure they should get all that out of their systems at home so they can go out refreshed and be Mr. Wonderful again.
I think Will Smith is absolutely right - even the biggest bastards in history didn't think they were bad. They were just fulfilling their needs. Even terrorists are really just romantics trying to create what they think would be a utopia which, unfortunately, usually involves killing everyone who doesn't think, act, look and live exactly the way they do. But hey, ya gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette.
One thing's certain - it's a crazy world and always will be.
Happy New Year, buddy.
Mark
-
-
TRue, Christmas doesn't really change anyone.
An optimist might say that some people are sincere to begin with
Perhaps a few ordinary people get inspired to a kind act or two that they would not otherwise ( - I'll settle for that)
I know, your poem is humor, and here I am analyzing..
oops sorry
-
Lol. Hey buddy, glad to hear your ass had a Merry Christmas but it doesn't sound like the rest of you did. Good luck in the contest. Take care and Have fun. Steve
-
A little does of reality, I keep trying to act the way we act at Christmas through the whole year. Too bad it's easy to feel the momentum at the holiday and not everyday. Good reminder. Also, way too many people can only muster a phony face like you say, even one day a year. Sad but true. Best of luck.
-
yeah I agree, why lower your standards just because someone else out there is a jerk. Good luck in the contest and Happy New Years to you and your's.
~Michelle~
-
Ahhh Mark what a funny poem, as you so funnily posted, two faced people and thinking their so goody 2 shoed, lol thank you for sharing this with us,even tho some will think differently,but nah!! this made my day, good luck in the contest...MM
. Rewarded 4
-
Very funny and so very true! Best of luck in the contest, and thanks for sharing this!
-
Haha, this is a great piece, made me crack up laughing. Best of luck in the contest
-
Ha ha, very good indeed! Shame about the double use of 'fact' in line 2, stanza 4, but hey, it's after Christmas and I don't need to be too nice anymore
Well done.
. Rewarded 4
-
-
Animarising, Thanks for your comment, and for pointing out the "facts" to me. (Sorry, I had to do it.) I have corrected that line.
Happy New Year!
Mark
-
-
Excellent!
You've hit the nail on the head! Members of that guy's tribe are everywhere and the Christmas Star seems to put a brighter spotlight on them.
Great job!
. Rewarded 4
-
L M A O!
cool, I am 2 days late of being of f ing asshole, I have some catching up to do!
Cute write, although sadly there is truth in this!
I hope your Christmas was full of the spirit, or at least hyou got everything you wanted, after all that is what it is all about. Maybe next year, I'll ask for a mercedes.
blessings,
Michelle
-
-
Michelle,
I can't imagine you being a f'n a.h. Thanks for the laugh. And please don't get a Mercedes, or a BMW. Those cars are of the devil. They turn even the nicest people into instant a-holes. For instance, I think the turn signal on BMW's is under the seat, way in the back. There's no other explanation for their total lack of use. lol
Happy New Year!
Mark
-
-
LOL, You made me laugh out loud and I definately see truth in these lines. Thank you so much for taking the time to enter my contest and I wish you the best of luck.
Bravo
Merry Christmas
Adding your comment:
1 - 37 of 37
