'An Orchids Seedlings'
She dances,
The circle of life moves
Her smile brims
Life begins
She sees their faces
As new stories begin
The winds call her son's
While Mother Earth & the Father
Lay claim to her daughter
The happiness that lay within her womb,
She finally knew.
©Nicolette Everett 12/27/07
Author notes
Side-Note:
Picture done by Manu.
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I'm getting a mixed message.... "lay claim" usually in poetry means death.... but on the other hand I feel the poem is about birthing..... a new child(ren). It is a long wait from inception to birth and the phrase "she finally knew" really works well.
Overall.... a nice piece in the works here.
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I just found out that my daughter is due with another child, my second grandchild. This poem reminds me of a new born growing within...happiness inbetween each word unspoken...I like it the way it is...thanks for sharing
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the word choice doesnt flow as it should
the comment below suggesting the punctuation being erratic doesnt make sense becuase
the lack of punctuation makes it free.
Just edit the word choice, cut out unnessasry words
get right to the point. -
Wow hard to follow such a negetive comment with a positive one! I loved the cirle of life, I don't think its overstated or overused! I love the flow and imagery you have painted with your words. Great job! ~Sie
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Hi. A few notes:
I think you mean possessive "orchid's" in the title.
Punctuation is erratic.
"Circle of life" is an overused expression. Same with "Mother Earth."
Whose faces are referenced in line 5? Unclear.
Not clear why the possessive "son's."
In the penultimate line, "laid" should be "lay."
Hope some of this is helpful as you revise.
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