The orders the obnoxious, chartreuse serpent assibilates,
They assimilate to her temptations, her desires.
Her emerald eye falls upon that which she does not possess -
Beauty, finesse, class, position, accouterments.
Residue of her viridian lipstick subsists upon Adamites,
She excites and is incensed by his betrayal.
Others' good fortune fuels her insanity
And now humanity, she contaminates with her condition.
Voraciousness - the cause of human affliction,
Her addiction, leads her to ruin.
Author notes
Prompt: Envy
~ Marta Dahlig
In a list
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Excellent depiction of envy. You did a fantastic job, and I wish you luck in the contest.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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thankyou for your entry
Background works,the color of the green eyed monster,Unusual,under used words give this imagary and passion. Thankyou
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Wow, what is this about? Envy, I know, but something else unpleasant too, I think.
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Well bugger me! assibilate was in my dictionary!
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Oooo boy! you are way better than me!
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Remember when I said people complained more when I put effort in... This would be one of those pieces... My proudest work though! For now...
Must read one of yours now, 'cos I haven't already
Suggestions?
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I really liked this!
The sibilance in the first couple of lines drew my attention. Very effective, I think. But, my favourite lines were:
"Others' good fortune fuels her insanity
And now humanity, she contaminates with her condition."
Really makes me think of people I know who are cruel as a result of their jealousy towards other people. It "contaminates" the community in which we live/work, for sure.
Great job!
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whoa great big words! the description was excellent i love the last couple of lines
Voraciousness - the cause of human affliction,
Her addiction, leads her to ruin. -
thats really insightful! and i really love how you made the entire page green.. thats great. i absolutely adore how you turned envy into a lady, though riddled with insanity. theres a realistic elegance to it, rather than referring to jealousy as a 'monster' as it can be, but this metaphor is so much more fitting and realistic, as i said. so i give you so much credit for your originality here especially. well done
thanks for entering and good luck -
Wow.
Good luck in my contest!
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I quite like what you have written here, especially the alliteration you have used - that's a nice touch of detail.
I also like the fact you worked your way around the cliche, giving this poem an original feel to it. Two references to green (emerald and viridian) which are both not that commonly used words by itself either.
There were two words I had to look up (accouterments and voraciousness) but I didn't mind that at all, since English isn't my maternal language and I love it when I can extend my vocabulary
Thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the very best!
Leander -
oooo Green with envy is not a good thing to be. I remember being there one time and swore I would never let myself become that again. Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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It's good to read a poem that has had so much thought put into it. I like the rhyme structure, and especially the archaic language.
I often feel jealous of people who have things i don't (especially talent in poetry writing!) but i hope i don't come across to people like the woman in this poem!
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The rhyming scheme is clever, that was done intentionally, was it not? I too, tire of people here saying one's vocab is too complex. I tend to read more of one's work if they vary their word structure. It benifits all of us, and I think you got the point across with more ease and greater imagery.
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Rhyming scheme? I didn't notice!
Just kidding! When I rhyme it is usually end of line rhyme, so this time I tried something different and I really like the result.
It's great to find someone of the same opinion about language.
Thanks for your comment.
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Well to say that you used "big words" would be putting it mildly...however, I don't think it's the fact that you are using "big words" I think its the fact that at your age you are more articulate than the rest... Well done on this piece and for procuring the aureate guerdon!!!
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"Aureate guerdon" - clever you! That is what I want in this contest!
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I think the artist of this picture would be proud and extremely smitten away by this poem, which is a tad too complex. I had to check words in the dictionary and for once I enjoyed it, because these words are truly beautiful. The poem is crafted with precise use of imagery, metaphors, nice amount of green and elegance. I am pleased, when I read such poems.
~DD~
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Thank you!
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Amazing utilization of vocabulary and duel meanings.
Brilliant composition that enthralls the reader until the last line which betrays the afflicted. Blue
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Thank you. I have grown weary of people telling me that the words I'm using "are too big". I sat here with an online dictionary and thesaurus to write this, until it was, in my opinion, perfect.
Nothing wrong with wanting to improve one's writing and vocabulary.
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Hmmmmm? "Subsists upon Adamites" is the most powerful line here, I Likes it.
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Thank you very much!
I must ask, am I your latest addiction? After the Scotch, of course.
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