I think
that my pheonix
was really just a glorified
black bird after all.
I think
that its easier to be
a butterfly
than a ladybug under glass
(but thats really common sense,
isnt it?
I wish I had known this sooner)
And in the back of your car,
I ran my red fingernails down
your sweat beaded back
and hoped she'd feel it.
And its hard to tell you
that I love you too
without feeling like a liar
(oh, but arent we all?)
And its hard to not pick up the phone
when something goes wrong
but I am reinventing myself
into something beautiful
and positively unchained.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Love this. It has a very disjointed, mind bending kind of feeling that is complimented by the off-center rhyme scheme and the interjections within the parenthesis.
three points that I think may be improved;
1. this would be more eye-catching and interesting to read if it was split into stanzas. I would say at the 4th, 8th, 11th, 15th, 18th, and 19th. (those lines being the endings of each stanza)
2. The removal off the word "and" at the beginning of lines 16 and 20, possibly even 12. Especially if you split this up into stanzas, which I would highly advise.
3. Finally, in my personal opinion, the title might work better and be more interesting as "The Pheonix's Farce" (which, subsequently, either way, farse should be farce)
And those are my bits of advice for you. Take them or leave them, as you will. A great poem, either way.
Well written.
-Thefallout
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