The liquid star
It falls through my fingers
Sparkling drops of
Moist light~~
Sparks drip
Down farther than a tear
Can ever journey...
I feel
Feathers instead of a galaxy~
The feather's weight
Is non-existent~~
With pristine precision
They turn to petals
Of the most exalted
Purple...
The feathers are petals of royalty
Floating upwards to greet their beginning~~
They join
Together
Their vibrant color twisting,
Melting into reverence...
Now,
I bare
Mother Earth's Favorite child~~
A flower...
Author notes
I like this and it came in a flash! Echidna, your picture prompt contests really inspire me!!! What do you think?
A contest entry
- What Do You See Now ? (Round 4) by just mercedes.
700 points, ended January 5, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Survival of the Wittiest by Avatar of Innocence.
500 points, ended February 4, 2008, 18 entries
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370 points, ended January 6, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your best work composed over the last twelve months by Lute.
600 points, ended January 9, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - - Prompt Round Contest - by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended January 14, 2008, 11 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please Critique! I love critical comments!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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"Down farther than a tear" - though a variant, I feel that "further" reads better than "farther" in this line.
The ending is a bit nonsensical since you're already describing what's being created, and so to point out what is created seems unnecessary, in my point-of-view.
Other than those two things, a nice poem that you have written here.
-Nam
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I loved the way you described such a beautiful thing with beautiful words, each stanza of course true about the delicate flower. I like the way you only told us exactly what it was at the very end of the poem.
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I loved the way you described such a beautiful thing with beautiful words, each stanza of course true about the delicate flower. I like the way you only told us exactly what it was at the very end of the poem.
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thank you for this entry, I am thrilled that the prompt worked so well for you, your poem is a beautiful inspiration that you have worded very well. You followed the track of your thoughts without worrying where they were going, and ended with a poem you can be proud of. My favourite parts were /down farther than a tear can ever journey/, /with pristine precision/ and / floating upwards to greet their beginning/ Very well done.
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I thought that this was very very beautiful indeed. Wonderful imagery here. I love the words that just push this piece along. Well done.
All the best
Wayne Leon
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content 7.3
vocabulary 10.4
accuracy 7.7
creativity 7.4
theme 7.2
originality 7.3
totals-47.3 -
I haven't read anything like this before! It is wonderful and different. It will be in the finalists! So good luck!
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Well, the idea is unusual, so thanks for not being mundane. I found however, that your thoughts could be better expressed if you took yourself out of it for a little while, until the last stanza. Also, would it be better to show line breaks within the poem to show the stages of change from star to flower? A lot of your articles (a, the, it) and pronouns to describe the star-flower, are really unnecessary. I changed a few of your words, took a few out and added some for a better flow. If I may provide an adaptation of your poem to show what I mean.
liquid star
falls through splayed fingers
Sparkling drops of
Moist light
Sparks trickle
Down farther than a tear
Can ever journey
Feathers instead of a galaxy;
its weight
Is non-existent--
fusing into petals
Of most exalted
Purple
feathers now petals of royalty
floating upwards to greet their beginning
joining
Their vibrant color
twisting,
Melting into reverence
Now a flower
is seized
I hold brilliance in bloom
Your last line was simply "flower". I could not come up with something better than what I suggested, but I believe you can. The last line has to leave the reader with something to take with them after the poem, and it does not need to (and mostly should not) be a summation of the poem's content but rather an extension of the the poem (as if the poem had a part two).
My adaptation is not better than your poem, but it shows what I am trying to suggest. Please review my critique of your poem and let me know what you think: did it help? was it silly? -
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OK, it is me again, I revised my poem. Please tell me if I did a good job! Thanks.
Also, here is the review of your review:
It was good, but re-writing the poem for me was unneeded. The last line WAS pretty weak, so I changed the lines leading to the word 'Flower'. I like to end my poems on a finished note. Hope you like my review of your review-
A contestant
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Thank you very much!!! This is the first real constructive comment I've ever gotten here(I think). I will go over my poem and make changes. Probably not what you suggested, but I promise, it will be better! Also, I am eleven years old, so people hardly ever say anything other than 'Wow this is great for an eleven year old!' when they comment, so thanks again and check back for revisions!
A contestant
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