I worked and I tried
I've yelled and I've cried
I cling to you because there's nothing left
You're all I want, all I need
I've changed for you but you don't see
You say you see but you cant see it all
I've done all I can to demolish your wall
Every time I think I've broken through
You build it back up
You'll never let me get close to you
This cycle I feel will never end
Will your broken heart ever mend?
We lay together
You hold me so tight
We feel okay
Can we make this last forever?
Will we make it through the night?
I feel like you are just waiting
Waiting for me to mess up again and
Kill all of our dreams
I wont
I wont do it ever again
I sit next to you
Yet I'm a mile away
But I will wait forever for that day
The day you let me back in
The day I can feel all of your love again
Comments
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I think this is well-written and I enjoyed the read (with the exception of 'waiting for me to fuck up again'). I think the expression 'fuck up' is out-of-place in this otherwise 'classy' poem. JMHO
Maureen
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Ahh I like this one. First the negative then the positive: I think you could probably come up with a bit more creative title, don't spend to much time worrying about it, but no one wants to read a poem with a bland title. The biggest problem I see with this poem is flow. Flow is vital to free form poetry, absolutely vital, because without good flow the readers mind wanders. I had trouble after line three, and granted I'm easily distracted but I have a feeling many people will be just as easily distracted, taking away from the poems intended message. I also feel your use of profanity does you no good and in fact harms the effect of this poem, I know the temptation to use "improper" words for either shock value or for emphasis, but I feel its very misplaced in this poem. As the person below me said I sometimes find it hard to really criticize poetry that is this heartfelt, but I feel you'd be better served to get slightly ruffled over my critique and then fix said problems, then to leave this poem unedited. Now the good
. Again a wonderful topic, very thought provoking, like jcat said before me, If your working this hard to keep a man it really is not worth it. Your language used in this poem while certainly not as good as I think it could be, its better then the last one I commented on, and shows that you know how to string words together to provoke deep thought. Once again I would love to help with any aspect you'd like help on in this poem. Your welcome to contact me. Keep on writing!
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Hmmmmm..... I think my jury is out on this one..Part of me says if you have to work that hard at keeping him around than he doesn't deserve you!! Let him go and be better for it. As far as the poem goes I think that these kind are so hard to comment on because they're personal and in my opinion can not be wrong or picked apart.. Wonderful job.
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