music allows resonance
instantaneously not left
ah so the subject of love could be retried
a voice with band
was a laughter gained
for confidence to tell story
like you can open mouth wider
hearing festival harmony,
with crescendo yourself.
or coexistence squeezed as via soaked squash
you're not too much in a hurry, fill credence
to pick up pumpkins without holes
radio was as eavesdropping
party, while my unperfumed drum
has crying like among tall grass
am I tired or sad without street
I dance and my dress slides
but I'm not shedding what I need
yet two trampolines feel like a second room
even from keeping a broken one
shake, no comfort or too sterile
stencils when sink gurgles...
having me realize miscarriage scrub sound
of early drain ironically
back/ground song of mariposa caught
my ear coming out of eye --
representing got preempted
as squashed caterpillar form
the way I can't write a haiku about child (of favorite stream)
but by reference more than personal belongings
how much could be sketched by a portrait?
or skeptically pop in mirror
cheerfully embossed,
reminding somebody:
chase or search essence;
sears, a branding misnomer in store ~
where peasant elastic neckline is check, found,
for around a dozen dollars in rare attempt
by husband to errand worth that yet needs azomite
time like money, for object to be option in breath
and then it just opens as empty gift bag
when it can't charm my choke away, with next
sensitivity at the breast, deciphered by disfigured deuce
for engorgement even in grief
tie boot cut down in experiment, it
leaves shifted posture though shoes off,
like after nine weeks never kicked away
from my day journey
I may not turn a corner but a leaf literally
plantar, trouble or compounded
Author notes
twirl not only measuring tape
ripples as shifted buckets across floor
dusting to be place… polite with others
I'm struggling where to edit further if from my precise emotions for your understanding;
JUDGE, WILL REWIND TO THIS MINDSET JUST A LITTLE MORE INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LOL, jANUARY 11. It might take to morning to combine all consciousness, I hope that's okay. thanks for your enjoy so far.
--
good luck isn't to hover here
please don't use emotions or the applause, but what I could get used to as you... which okay can bring a rose realistically
A contest entry
- There's Something Missing by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended January 11, 2008, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
waltz hands in location
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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radio was as eavesdropping
Was that line a purposeful allusion to John Cheever's The Enormous Radio?
For me, the "transition" between the 6th stanza (the trampoline stanza) and the next one feels rough. Maybe my mind is just not making the jump
The stanza that begins with "chase or search" feels choppy. It may just be lack of punctuation, and some editing of the line breaks may help the reader to pause in the proper place. -
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update
edited
I hope, Danna Hobart
sleep may give dream of communicating nightmare,
also called -
I can relate to a lag if not with elemental
Danna Hobart for a here I am within hours
I didn't have the brain food to reprovide you here or I was reluctant to look again at the dimensional turn on a dime energy I had written this with. Thus, "chase or search" could be cited as cuts or choices that reshake a smile.
I apologize I haven't learned from previously being told by others about punctuation patching, yet I revert to the heart ache or bolt blurt personally and then aren't inclined to reline it with washers that don't show the tears almost in reading. I comprehend the need and okay it each time but am not of habit or up to par... but neither poetry pith to be with sometimes.
I know I have taken an enormous e-time pause from your notice and aim to use tonight for more than a mouse click but musing to submit calmness what is to be liked.
btw 'radio was as eavesdropping' was not qualifying culture references but that I have no role to give sometimes but awareness of others.
45 minutes it might be different,
also called
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It can definitely use some editing to smooth it out in places. I can't get into helping edit at the moment, but I want you to know how much this poem hit home for me. Your writing is wonderful. Thank you for entering.
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oh I was grateful to enter, thank you for the poignancy not anything prompt to group with
Danna Hobart bringing a good night to this piece though that didn't show full lullaby motivation...
thank you for your agreeing eye with the poem and author notes, by that I was cautiously wondering if I slanted it too much from one thing to next sometimes. I will still try to honor your viewpoint to review it more responsibly, but am too frazzled to find fresh reasons of a look at it today.
I'm pleased if it pulled well in general for you,
also called
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