My thoughts are tumbling
Out of control.
Stop me before I hurt someone else.
You shouldn’t care.
I shouldn’t feel.
I don’t deserve your love.
I’m sorry that I’m the person you should be avoiding.
I’m sorry I always apologise.
For being me.
For always wishing I wasn’t.
For fucking apologising.
I’m sorry you care.
And that I hurt you so.
I’m sorry,
That for your own good.
You didn’t say no.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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A hard piece - one strong with emotion and rather well written too. I believe that I know the feeling you're writing of here, and you've dealt with it deeply.
A few technical notes for you;
1. Check your spelling. (Apoligising should be Apologizing)
2. I would advise removing the periods at the end of every line, having them there causes the reader to pause twice as long as he or she should, and therefore lose the flow of the poem. In poetry, line breaks function the same as periods do in prose, so they are only needed if there is an extra long pause desired.
3. The first 5 lines would work amazingly well as one stanza - try putting them all together and then reading the poem aloud to see what you think. (It works very well for me)
4. The second stanza is excellently written, with a strong off-center rhyme to it, which lends strength to the emotion behind poem.
5. Lastly, the final two stanzas will work better combined.
And that's all I've got time for
Like I already said, well done on this one...take a bit of time for revision, and you will have yourself an awesome piece.
-Thefallout
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