(Read this aloud, with expression...which means you shouldn't be standing still. Try printing it off and reading it aloud while walking around the room, or better yet, read it as if you were reluctant and terribly afraid.)
(I know I am...this is no easy war we live)
There is a place not far from here
formed of emerald and amethyst's skin
where light is born
and love begins
In Dreams of each second set on infinite
rep-
rep-
rep-
repetitions
repeating words I hate
to repeat them
for fear of fearsome ways
In spaces between words where
actions are
speaking louder than their surroundings
because such is their way
In repetition
rep-
repeating what I hate to say;
That I can't love you the way I should
that I am far too often false
that we are a world long past Eden
barely holding our hearts safe
that we have used our love as a weapon
and our words have been made as knives
Author notes
Well, you asked for my best, so I changed my style (or attempted to) to give you something unique to me. Quite a bit so...personally, I like it.
If you're going to read, take the time to read it out loud and with some expression. If you can't do that, don't read it at all.
-Thefallout
A contest entry
- Such Fluttering Hope by EmotionalFire.
900 points, ended December 31, 2007, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - From Trash to Treasure by star wars fanatic.
1500 points, ended February 22, 2008, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ SET the BAR ~ Anything Goes~ Possible of 5750 points handed out! by Florida Sunshine.
950 points, ended February 24, 2008, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Express Yourself Through the Power of Spoken Word!!!! by Lyrical Rain.
650 points, ended April 5, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Unique!
Never read anything like this before. It's a great write & I'm glad you won the Gold. I see there's another style of poetry I've yet to acquaint myself with! The entire piece was well done, but I most certainly liked the way you ended with:
that we have used our love as a weapon
and our words have been made as knives
Great metaphor & imagery! Bravo
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Excellent!!
This is a wonderful example of Spoken Word with a unique structure which I am sure was not easy to do and maintain the message within as well as you have.
Excellently done!!
Good luck in the contest.
John
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As I've said once before in this contest, it's hard to critique a poem with so unique a form as this. So I shall mention only one thing--the last stanza. I did read with emotion as you had instructed, and I felt far too stark a contrast in the depresing, anxious feeling of the reast of it, and then a, though not light-hearted, still romantic ending. I feel as if some phrase is needed in the last stanza to make continuous the emotion of the others. See what you can come up with, and let me know when you edit by commenting on the contest page.
P.S. Hint: I especially liked the way you broke down the word repetition. It gave me chills. Perhaps whatever idea inspired you to do that, you can implement in editting the last stanza.
Thx for entering. 
-
Reading it outloud does seem to make a difference on the write ~ maybe cause we hear it ~ ou did a terrific job!!!!
Thanks for entering the set the bar contest ~ best of luck to you ~ i really do appreciate you sharing your work with me ~
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Glad.
I'm glad that you put some real effort into this by trying a new style. You did really well also! It was fun to do a little acting lol. Thanks for entering! -
I'm amazed. This is beautiful. This is unique. This is special. This is deep and it is profound.
My favorite part was the entire last half of the poem....
"because such is their way
In repetition
rep-
repeating what I hate to say;
That I can't love you the way I should
that I am far too often false
that I am a world long past Eden
barely holding what I was"
Beautiful. Your words and how you put them together are so perfect.
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