here I unfold silence,
on a scape of sapphire
parch myself to blue;
bluer than a beam of winter
from the moon,
soft - I undo these petals
of a moonflower
It takes me light years
to reach the substance of your soul,
gathered in this star's galaxy,
when many winds whisper
the familiar sound of a travelogue
I forge a path from the moon
as a beam, as a stalk of light
to open into your star's silken body
a sound escapes
your lips: a starshaft,
a noise filled with a mouthful
of your wings, a feather
from afar
I drown in the dim
of my destination -
in a silhouette of strands and stars,
reaching you
at the fastest tempo of a vivace -
I am a nocturne, a scrape of sky,
halfmoon, halfnight, halfclouded -
I am a cumulation
In a list
A contest entry
- ~ she paused, squinting at the sky ~ by Heart Sutra.
2200 points, ended January 5, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
-
Congrats
Gorgeous...
-
i do love the ending of this piece-
such maturity in the voice of this piece- so beautiful
m
-
Well this is breathtaking, wow! Unbelievable scope and imagery. Just brilliant.
-
This is gorgeous, captivating poetry, Namita and with each poem of yours that I read you amaze me more and more. I loved the sense of travelling here, a journey through the galaxies of the heart and soul. Wonderful depth of emotion and spirituality weaved into these lines... such a beautiful soft voice you have. Loved the closing lines - and of course the culmination (reminds me of my Eve-poem)
! This really is love poetry at its best!
~ Nicolette
-
beautiful,ilove the diction and imagry. I cant even pick a favorite part...
thanks for sharing such a beatiful, well written piece.it gives me something to aspire to
Tiffany
-
"I forge a path from the moon
as a beam, as a stalk of light
to open into your star's silken body"
I make it a habit to read poetry aloud. I often pick up the tone of the poem with the resonance of voice applied. Your tone is ethereal, universal, cosmic even. The voice of these words repels the negative, and so aptly invites feelings of well-being. The highlighted lines above are the one's that made me do as the title of this contest implies.
It seems like the poem sped up as you worked to convey to the reader who you are, and the last line nicely lit the ending perfectly.
An Excellent entry. We wish you the best in the challenge. Thank you for this entry.
Much Love & Many Blessings ♥
Happy 2008!
Renee
-
I enjoyed travelling the sensuality of the stars, sky and heavens into the longing of love or for love...for the beloved, as it contains a spiritual element.
This is especially beautiful:
"I am a nocturne, a scrape of sky,
halfmoon, halfnight, halfclouded -
I am a cumulation"
-
This was an amazing piece, and mind-blowing for one your age! That fact defies belief, though I will more readily accept your genius, which is proven by this poem, than consider that you've misrepresented yourself.
If you're truly interested in the moon, check out my lunar chant: http://allpoetry.com/poem/3467980
-
Oh my, I think you just touched me like no other. Your words are captivating and so beyond what others can write, You are by far my favourite poet on this site and I feel you must be an old soul brought back to share the wonder of a voice in flight. It's such a pleasure to be part of this world with you... x Love and eternal light, Lavender Butterfly.
-
i believe the 'unfolding' and the flowering of reflective knowledge, like light from the moon, capture the innocence of the poet's journey. light and matter in the heavenly bower and the upward reaching ‘stalk’ are clear and emotive symbols of spiritual growth. she seems to be following a voice to an astral landing stone where she might find something of that peace beyond all understanding. -r
-
I don't really see a good flow.. Good subjext.. and loved the wordplay.. but slightly confused..
-
I liked your wordplay, ok.
But, I don't know I didn't enjoy it so much... It didn't have a flow to me - a reason to read the next line...
I could see the beauty in it, though. The beauty to this piece is amazing and well thought through.
Good job
-
I can't see how this piece needs any constructive criticism. You have done outstanding, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest
-
Beautiful word play!
-
I love the way you wrote this, it was a nice, refreshing style and I enjoyed every word
-
The flow of your imagery is amazing. I really felt like I was reaching deeper and deeper into the poem with every new image. "I am a nocturne, a scrape of sky,
halfmoon, halfnight, halfclouded -" beautiful lines. The only think I do no understand is the title of the peom and how it relates to the poem, but it is an intriguing title. Beautiful work.
-
It takes me light years -
Correct me if I'm wrong
Light years is distance and not time
The imagery used is excellent and is vivid
-Sathya
-
this is beautiful, worth reading over and over...i love how you string words together, especially as the individual words themselves are so special. this is lovely X
-
Truly you are poet to be admired.
peace to all ~flight
-
---mind blowing---
i cant say i understand quite everything in this, (lol) but this really was mind blowing!!
-
I like it, good imagery. Good luck in the contest, I'm sure it will place high
-
great stuff best of luck in this contest i think its a winner ( ;
-
"It takes me light years
to reach the substance of your soul,
gathered in this star's galaxy,
when many winds whisper
the familiar sound of a travelogue"
Who can possibly comment on this piece without
mention of the imagery.
One word: Magnificient.
-
10
I liked all of the imagery you put in this poem. Just looking at the moon tells where these word scame from. I would dress this poem up some by having the surface of the moon as a background.
-
This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read! Your words are absolutely stunning.
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
-
This is gorgeous. I feel like I have just gone on a journey around the galaxy, and now I am back home, which is kind of depressing, so I am going to read it again.
-
ermmm im still trying to understand this one. good luck in the contest anyway,
hugs,
georgie,
xxx -
this was great.
i just loved it! -
a mouthful of thanks to you for sharing such a lovely piece.
-
delicious sounds permeate this lovely poem
-
Wow, this is very good and the imagery just amazing. If these love poems you write are about a certain someone, that person had better feel wonderful. This is lovely poetry.
-
Excellent! Marvelous write my dear friend. You were able to exude above par flow and imagery in this piece.
'Everything in this piece is worth reading'
Thanks for sharing and keep writing.
HENSLEY
Adding your comment:
1 - 32 of 32
