I can’t escape from this maze that has fashioned in my mind,
As exits don’t exist and if they do, they’re undefined.
Just a hundred endless walkways, that lead to thousands more,
And when I think it’s ended I’m just where I was before.
A single stream of consciousness that’s grown beyond compare
To wall me in and toss the key and leave me in nowhere,
Abandoned and alone, there’s only so much I can take -
Before my thoughts collapse and disappear without a trace.
It holds my brain to ransom with a fee that must be paid;
A literal price upon my head, that turns me to a slave.
Though, cause I can’t afford it and, eternally, in debt,
I have to pay with dead-end dreams, failed wishes and regrets.
The corridors conclude in a serrated mountain face,
Extending to a sky so grey that sunlight never breaks.
The centre of my torment, a fortress holding the key,
To unfasten all these hidden chains that are enfolding me.
For a few times I have glimpsed a subtle hint of a thought,
That’s broken off, in a bubble, and somehow not been caught,
Elusively escaping, I can never work out how,
And if I only could, maybe I would not be here now.
But always a step ahead, my mind knows which way I’ll go,
Slyly sapping all my strength, before even I can know.
So boldly I’ll adventure and defeated I’ll come back -
As every day’s a failure on this never ending track.
This labyrinth of loneliness, conceived by my design,
I assembled to keep secrets safe, buried and confined,
Without guilt for what I’d done, though my plan has gone awry,
And trapped within myself, I slowly crumble and subside.
There is no one else to blame and no way that I can win,
In this waging war that I selfishly bore within
The architect of my downfall and no doubt, soon demise,
In this lonely prison is only me, myself and I...
Author notes
This time I think I've stuck too rigidly to the prompt without using any imagination. I liked the prompt though it drove me fucking mad haha!
I do hope you liked this, I worked hard and put a lot aside (if I fail my exams, it's YOUR fault) to get this done so hoepfully it's not all in vain.
Full title includes this: [in a Self-Imprisoned Mind] but looks ugly. Hmph
Option 4, Age 16
She Has My Heart
In a list
A contest entry
- I've Been Smudged........ by FlipperSwitch.
600 points, ended January 16, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Inner Circle - Gold by Never Fall in Love.
1400 points, ended January 11, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best PREWRITES.... by wakingdevil.
600 points, ended January 22, 2008, 59 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Wow.
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Yes. ;)
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Not bad ...
but some of the lines are rather awkward. Here, you could profitably change "holding" to "holds":
fortress holding the key,
all in all, not a bad job, but if you smooth out the lines, it will be better. -
i like the wording and imagery as well as the emotions behind i
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"I have to pay with dead end dreams."
Love this sombre persona for the poem.
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Deeply emotional. Very well written. Best wishes and thank you for entering.
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Somehow ...
I doubt you'll fail any exams. I also want to know how you managed to channel my inner thoughts so well?
Great job with this, whatever your psychic insights. -
Ahh. Good. Very good. Dont fail exams. lol. A nice write, we are all trapped arent we...damn minds..
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Excellent write
Very well writen
Impressive
Thanks for entering my contest
&
The Best Of luck
Jaz <3 -
I think it's awesome ...
but I'd change "holding" here:
To unfasten all these hidden chains that are holding me.
to "enfolding" to make the meter work better for you. Otherwise, it's a tour de force in my humble opinion.
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Ahh yes that's so much better! Thanks!
x
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excellent flow and the time to compile all of these words that hold meaning together..GOOD JOB!! a sense of despair is commanding when scanning throug this write, and a sense of wanting company is elevated when soaking in your words
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Appreciate the comment! x
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Wow I can see why this gets so many trophies!
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Great piece. I especially like the stanza, "It holds my brain to ransom with a fee that must be paid;
A literal price upon my head, that turns me to a slave.
Though, cause I can’t afford it and, eternally, in debt,
I have to pay with dead-end dreams, failed wishes and regrets." It's something i feel I could say out loud intensely and not stumble over the words or pattern. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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Congratulations on being a finalist in our contest. An interesting poem, but we found you used a little too much slant rhyme.
Please join us in contest 10, the finale. You may enter twice, new writes only, pre-writes will be DQ'd instantly. We look forward to reading more from you.
Sue and Jeff
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This piece is masterful, Dear Poet,
and it looks like it's getting
the attention it surely deserves.
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Thank you for your comment and applause! x
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A great piece you've put a l;ot of work into this and it shows. Fab read, good luck in the contest with it
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Thanks
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Well thought out write, flawed only by the uneven rhyme scheme and forced rhyming at a few places.U hv the talent to mk this way better.Thx for entering
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- Slyly sapping all my strength, before even I can know.
Before I can even know* sounds better - to me atleast.
- Drowning in your love.x says (22:23):
I don't have much confidence in mine after reading the others
Have you gone completely mad and lost all sort of sanity?
- This poem just proves that you're not only always there for me, but you are one damn good poet.
I agree with raker - words wont do this any justice!
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Personally I prefer shorter lines and no rhyming HOWEVER I will give credit where it is due and that is here. You have in fact penned a piece that I believe many can relate. I was believed myself to be in many of the places in which you describe within this piece. Sometimes I find myself asking myself if I am still in those places or did I truly finally manage to escape. Bravo! Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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I had a chance to read this earlier, and I think it's partly what intimidated me from getting my own poem written because it's so dang good!
Yes, you stuck to the prompt, [but isn’t that the point? lol] but there are so many original and creative lines within...
“For a few times I have glimpsed a subtle hint of a thought,
That’s broken off, in a bubble, and somehow not been caught,
Elusively escaping, I can never work out how,
And if I only could, maybe I would not be here now.”
That’s something I can SO relate to! I also loved these lines as again, they‘re something I can relate to:
“This labyrinth of loneliness, conceived by my design,
I assembled to keep secrets safe, buried and confined,”
I also enjoyed the occasional lines of alliteration and assonance. It’s subtle to the point I don’t know if it was done on purpose or just came naturally to the poem. All told, this is wonderful and I think it will do very well in the contest...err, contestS.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Thanks for your GREAT comment and applause! Glad you liked it, not so glad that I put you off =[ x take care x
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Well done
For a few times I have glimpsed a subtle hint of a thought,
That’s broken off, in a bubble, and somehow not been caught,
Elusively escaping, I can never work out how,
And if I only could, maybe I would not be here now.
I love these lines.
Very intresting read. Thank you so much for entering and good luck
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This was a really good take on the prompt. Even though you stuck to the prompt rigidly, you still incorporated feeling and imagery into it. Great wording and flow. I'm not really a huge fan of rhyme, but when people can actually do it (take this, for example) it's lovely.
Great job, good luck in the contest!
Jeanette*~
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Hey thanks for the great comment and applause, good luck to you too x
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Wow this is quite good... most people can't pen a poem like that without actually having those feelings, so for you to follow a prompt, that blows my mind. Amazing! I love your use of terminology and the flow is great! Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!
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Superb
No remarks that I could leave you would do justice to such an emotionally eloquent write. Thus, I will simply say Bravo...Bravo... and I wish I could give more applause
Barkeeper,a pint for my friend.
( When he's of age ofcourse
)
Raker
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ww you're too kind! Thank you for your comment and applause (and the drink!!!) Hehe take care x
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Excellent Writing
I think this shows imagination. It is VERY well written. I have felt this way before when very lonely.
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Aww thank you very much for your comment and applause! x
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