Soot blanketing steps,
procession beginning the end,
as I climb across ego
with burdened deciet,
lining the folds of my clothes,
as stinging lies,
the blackness is but far behind,
aside the depths of situation,
and wired colors in shimmer
of the breath of winds,
that snaps us back - into sense,
for feet are weary,
silencing dreams,
and just a little hope
is still left.
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt by walkinthereign.
300 points, ended January 1, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
-
-with burdened deciet,
deceit?
-i think you overuse the comma. i understand that you want pauses; however, i think that line breaks help in those pauses. i.e. the first line of the second stanza doesn't need that comma, as far as i know.
-you do well in this style. i'd like to see a different style from you. it's a challenge. do something different. mainly with your diction.
-
I like the ending
"and just a little hope
is still left."
It's that little bit of hope that keeps us going. I know for me my aunt has ovarian cancer and the doctors said it was going to be her last Christmas! I am so scared to loose her but I will never give up on her. I have to keep praying.
-
reality sux.
I loved it. I applaud you. I applaud you! lol. good write.
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