Black birds circle my bad posture
As I wake up and pace my back as I emerge from a hard floor
I realise I dared not sleep... no more
As if a casino in my head, I paced instead
I dreamed I was sleeping
dreamed I'd never wake up again
I seemed to be in deep thought, in my own world
took me by suprise I got just one for sorrow:
a black bird hung in my heart
Two for joy were the memory of you and me;
A pain in the back shooting up my spine
A pain in the neck I became to yourself...
what's my excuse?
I couldn't sleep - too busy thinking of you
If I go to bed - I'd be lonely
If I close my eyes - you'd let go of me
I'm scared that you will leave me
and maybe I'll hang in your heart
hanging on for last love and last feelings
last luck and lost hope...
a black bird I'd be; in sorrow, in misery
Author notes
Kill Hannah - Scream - 11
A contest entry
- a lyrics contest for you... by shadowlyn infinitas.
600 points, ended December 24, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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the grammatical errors take away from the flow of your piece and are rather distracting. you have an interesting idea here, but things like "pace my back" and "as if a casino [were] in my head" can break a reader's train of thought. the overally idea of this poem made me want to get "lost in thought" over it, but it was just a little too broken for me to do that. your ending stanza does a good job of tying the piece together and making 'I' (line 18) comparable to 'a black bird' (ln. 9). the last three lines are certainly great, but did you mean 'lost' love and not 'last' to keep with the pattern? (either way is all right, it just needs to suit whichever meaning you wanted). thanks for your entry and best wishes in your future writing
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