Words inflict wounds like a knife,
you leave scars, blood stained strife.
You say stuff like,
"I hope you suffer,
I hope you run out your last days
in serrated pain."
Don't you know words like blood can stain?
"I hope you suffer,
I hope you drown into the next world."
"I hope you live life
like a frightened little girl."
Words that harm because of anger,
even if you are a stranger.
"I hope you bow down,
I hope you are humbled in such a way
that the scars will always stay."
"Bow down coward,
coward bow down."
You stir up emotions and call it fun,
all your anger come undone.
Your temper shows, frustrations there,
all the while you don't care.
You're full of hate, you don't show love,
all you do is push and shove.
You're an abuser, you fall to shame,
you have nothing but your name.
Inside you suffer torment and pains,
you leave behind words like blood that stains.
Author notes
Wordbank: Blood and Emotion
A contest entry
- A Dark/Emotional Contest by Simply Lost.
450 points, ended January 2, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotional Abuse Hurts. I wish you knew... by punksense.
302 points, ended January 7, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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You're welcome. I think you need to check your quotations...there are too many. Also, when you use diction like "stuff," I think that there are stronger words that could replace that. It could make your poem so much more powerful.
Thank you for taking the time to delineate stanzas. That is so much more clear now! -
I think it would be more effective if you used "spent" or "lived" instead of "run out," "I hope you run out your last days/in serrated pain." I also think it should be "drown" instead of "drowned," "I hope you drowned into the next world." You can take away the quotation marks in that aforementioned line and the beginning of the next line because it's a continuous quote. Same with the next set of quotes. In addition, in my opinion, your poem would read better if you broke it up into stanzas based on your quotes. For example:
"Words inflict wounds like a knife,
you leave scars, blood stained strife.
You say stuff like,
"I hope you suffer,
I hope you run out your last days
in serrated pain."
Don't you know words like blood can stain?
"I hope you suffer,
I hope you drowned into the next world.
I hope you live life
like a frightened little girl."
Words that harm because of anger,
even if you are a stranger.
"I hope you bow down,
I hope you are humbled in such a way
that the scars will always stay.
Bow down coward,
coward bow down."
etc...
The rhyming seems a bit juvenile, I think you could have make it a lot stronger. I liked the emotion, the anger, the need for justice. My favorite line was, "Don't you know words like blood can stain?" That was deep, man. If you edit this, let me know. I'll be happy to reread it.
Good luck!
Jen >_< -
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I did some editing. I don't know if it made much difference. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
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A very powerful and emotional piece, very well penned. Best of luck in the contest and Merry Christmas!
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Wow! THis is superd! The imagery you used is fantastic, and you can really see the abuser! I like the way you used the wordbank, but it still fits into a few of my options! A fantastic Poem!
Good Luck!
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