Back then, when freshet grass grew greener,
Skies rose a clearer, dearer blue—
When sight was bright and hearing keener,
And present pain as plain as dew,
I raced the symbols, nimble, swift,
Sure and pure in what I felt,
Each reveling day at play a lift,
Safe in the giving that living dealt.
But in the now, how much translated,
How strangely dark the marks I read;
Each signal missed, each twist debated,
Each hinted joy a ploy to mislead.
I miss the easy, breezy answers;
Detest the complex, perplexed message,
Each moment’s lack, as black as cancer,
Each numbing stage of age’s presage.
Author notes
Prompt: Translation; also Transition
Form: DOUBLE-AXIS RHYME: Tetrameter couplets (substituted feet allowed) rhyming ABAB, CDCD, etc. In addition, two of the three initial stresses in each line—ideally the second and third—rhyme with each other, to create a double pattern of rhyme, horizontally and vertically.
A contest entry
- 'Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--' by HeavenScent4U.
700 points, ended January 7, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Transitions by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended December 30, 2007, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Wow, this is wonderfully crafted. Although I had to read this several times because the rhyme scheme just totally threw me at first
and I apologize for that. However; after getting that down, this was wonderful. Such great expression of what you said "translations" and "transitions" 
I too go through that, I guess it's just part of aging and it can be scary and misleading at times, I agree.
This was very mentally and emotionally vivid and crafted with the great precision I have come to know and expect from you
Thanks for this wonderful entry and best of luck. Be well and be blessed
Rules: 10
Presentation: 10
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation: 20
Originality: 20
How well you handled the prompt: 20
Overall: 20
Total: 100
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Thank you for the gracious comments and the points. I'm glad that the poem communicated to you as fully as I had hoped. Much appreciated.
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Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
Happy New Year! -
Well, you are a master rhymer. This is a magnificent piece that sounds delicious on the tongue.
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Thank you. From another master, a much-valued response. I'm glad it worked. It's easy to slip and use too much of a good thing. Again, thanks, and best for the New Year.
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Thought provoking. It makes me wonder if you were thinking of something specific when you wrote it. Either way you did a marvelous job and weren't afraid to show that you are intelligent and can blend words in what appears to be a effortless way to produce a beautiful piece.
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Not anything specific, just that everything seemed sharper long ago. Moving back to where I was born, after 60 years, gave the chance to see it all again for the first time, as it were, and remember at least in part what it was like. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.
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What a thoughtful poem on age oriented perspectives. Different translations indeed! Oh, to recapture the idealism and enthuasiasm of youth...while retaining the wisdom of experience...
I like the tight rhyme and smoothness of delivery. Well done
Dennis
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Oh I just love how this feels when I read it. Excellent piece. Double Axis Rhyme - I have GOT to try that. Great job with the prompt too.
Oh I did love this so much. Well done. Best of luck in this round. ~Pamela
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I would be most interested in seeing what you come up with. The content really dictated form in this poem--the persistent end- and internal-rhyme in the first two or three lines imposed themselves on the rest of the poem. But I do like the way it turned out. Thanks for the gracious comments and the insightful reading.
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I want to try this but it will take me weeks to come up with one as smooth as yours. I will be trying and using yours as my sample if you don't mind. I am a freak for structured verse so you have peaked my interest with this.
Thank you for a great read. ~Pamela
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this is very well done. I like your direction with this prompt - how transitions change, meanings redefine. reminds me that ignorance can be bliss.
Ken
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I'd been writing some poems about my childhood, and the prompt reminded me that as adults we see the same signs and symbols around us; we just translate them differently. It's difficult to remember/recreate the energy and excitement childhood brings to even everyday things.
Thanks for the comments. And Happy Christmas.
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Wow. This is a style that I will need to experiment. Complex it seems, yes, but the flow I like.
Great job!
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Interesting how internal rhyme makes lines seem to twist and whirl, like water over rocks. I've never tried anything this intensely rhyming but it was fun to develop the form, watch the content dictate the kind of lines that would work best. If you try it, let me know what happens. It would be interesting to see. Thanks for the comments.
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Artfully crafted your structure is the architecture of a man who is sure with his words and carves his meaning both in the language and in the placement of words designed to sure up and express the form used. Coherent both in meaning, message and form you create a feast for the reader to digest in many different flavors so the poem itself sparkles with the many different spices that create a total flavor.
Both in a description of the passing of youth to the turmoil and loathsome fears of elder age, your language full of symbol and metaphor creates a vision that enchants this reader with meaning. The articulate creation of the form takes it farther into the arena of artwork so I had to stop once finished and inhale the piece as a whole.
Very well done.
Merry Christmas,
Tom B.
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This one was truly scary...it could so easily go wrong in so many ways. To say nothing of the inherent challenge in creating the form. Thank you for the articulate comments, for concentrating on both form and content. I deeply appreciate your taking the time to read it and to respond.
The very best for a warm and wonderful Christmas Eve.
Michael
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