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cold steel

Missing image

caught within neighbors thoughts,

   whispers of greed flowing freely from pollinated scents,

- i dance upon echoes of liquor enhanced lies ~

 

haunted by childhood dreams,

   my spirit rests, only when enticed to forget,

- my prey bore me, conformed by white picket fence ~

 

nights of nanny bedtime stories,

   operas, between corporate councils and my play....last week,

- soaring through mindless meals, you're never late to leave ~

 

soaked in jewels, mother decorates your side,

   lost between silk ballroom gowns and satin pillows,

- you seem to have found another princess ~

 

i watch you read, smoke from your pipe befriends you,

   another brandy before bedtime, late night meeting gone well,

- pictures of your Family, conformed by that which leads us ~

 

pretend to be the empty canvas, let both of you paint my portrait,

   i'll forgive your creativity, remember me when you're finished,

- a statue of cold steel resembles someone you once knew ~ 

Author notes

This is a poem about a child, watching her parents conform to the *outside world*,

 as she struggles to find her true self -

 

http://allpoetry.com/poem/add?contest=2382878

 

 


A link to the ladies round: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2382870

 

 

Again, welcome to round 2!

Your prompt for this round is this title:

'Conformity's Ball'

You must use this as inspiration and make note of it in your AN. Thank you!

No more than 20 lines and you have until the end on Dec. 31st to complete your entry. Best of luck to you! Be well and be blessed

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Sanguinarius
    May 9, 2008

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    such depth you writing has, I do believe that I have found myself a new favorite, keep that ink flowing, and pieces like this comming ~Bret~


  • HeavenScent4U
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Mr. Fuzzy, I have read this several times very slow and carefully as to absorb the power within your well crafted words. I think you handled this prompt in a superb manor. This is so full of vivid imagery and raw emotion. I love the prospective of the child here, very nice.

    No matter what you write, your heart is always so deep within your words. There is a sadness that goes so deep here that one has to be touched by your words.

    The only problem I have with this poem is your capitalization and I will explain why. I too used to and still do write a lot of my poetry starting lines in lower case letters however; I think the word "I" demands capitalization because it should demand "respect." When writing about yourself, even when not, don't you expect respect? If you do as I know most of us do, then I think it deserves that in your poetry. Just a suggestion, take it or leave it Hun ;)

    Thanks for this wonderful well thought out entry and good luck. Be well and be blessed*rose*

     

    Rules: 10
    Presentation: 10
    Spelling, grammar, and punctuation: 19

    Originality: 20
    How well you handled the prompt: 20
    Overall: 20

     

    Total: 99 


    • Arkbear gold member
      January 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you my Friend ~

      Your review is most appreciated and well noted ~

      Capping the *i* would have been done, but when I pen something about submission or write about a topic which is inferior to the surrounding Theme, I always use lower-case for affect ~

      I hope this gives you a better insight to my Tone penned here ~



      I think this was one of the most challenging Prompts I have been given in quite some time.....thank you,

      Bear ~


  • Tam
    January 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    this is superb poetry...

    truly superb!
    you have executed this metaphor with a craft of word play and killer lines that I so envy...
    your poetic visions are painted so beautifully within your well placed language...just prodding the reader along your storyline...ever so gently...and yet...
    I don't want the journey to end...
    your heart bleeds into your poetry Teddy Bear...your huge warm loving heart that sees the world through compassionate eyes...and pens with such grace and agility...
    you are a marvel, sir!
    Blessings! Tammy

  • Chaser
    January 3, 2008

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    The first two stanzas sound like a lot of meaningless bla bla to me, but it is probably only my limited understanding. The others make some more sense. If it is a painted portrait then how does it change into steel (I don’t think steel goes well with this family poem anyway). I am looking for candidates to build a favorites list, I heard about you but this poem will not do it. I was disappointed by other possible candidates. Can you propose to me another, more mature poem?


  • Sandygram silver member
    December 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well my dear care bear, you have penned a very intense poem and filled it with sad vivid imagery. The struggles of a child is seen through your words. Excellent write as always my friend. You are so talented. This so deserves Gold. Thank you for sharing. Sandy


  • poetryality silver member
    December 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You always amaze me with your imagery. I can see so much of what is written here. There was truly no need for the explanation in the author's notes. I picked up on this being from a child's perspective right away. There's sadness here that envelopes the reader. Almost as if you are looking from the outside in. You work well with metaphors Bear! This is melancholy but very beautifully written. I wish you well in the comp.


    Much Love & Many Blessings ♥ † ♥

    Renee


    WISHING YOU & YOURS THE HAPPIEST NEW YEAR


  • karma-n-peace
    December 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    A touching and true scenario in so many of our lives...
    This, like all of your poetry was written with such beauty and grace.
    You are an amazing poet, so creative.
    Beautiful write!


  • Solo Wisp gold member
    December 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love this take off the prompt! Reality bites down with immense pain and struggle sometimes... There is a difficult balance between the *outside world* and keeping your own soul.

    Beautiful job! You may want to check "councels".

    -Min-


  • Idle Mind Wondering silver member
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    hey bear, a sad story but one too often too real and played out in too many children's lives.
    well done.


  • tomisb
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The eye of ingenue naivete confronts the world of masks and assemblages. Love becomes a convience tossed back and forth till what it means is lost. You catch it very well. The child wants to dispell all the posturing and blow each other away with reality and the parents believe that what is real and dangerous is too often found in the the illusions practiced artfully by a world dodging itself. You present this to us in a language that captures the feeling but also shows in it language the artifice. Very nicely done my friend. May the season of celebration of love's gifts that abound about us and the gift of God's love to us be one where you are constantly awakened to the joy of those that love you and able to share in return the love you hold.
    Merry Christmas and may the heart be full.
    Tom B.


  • islekine gold member
    December 24, 2007

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    You have captured this child's life...

    extremely well...your words are superb! I like a lot of the lines but...."you're never late to leave" ~
    was a real kicker for me!
    Best wishes to you in the contest and always!
    Take care...be safe happy and healthy!
    Write on and on and on....
    Happiest of new years to you and yours!
    *PEACE*
    Julie


  • Roaddog Wolf
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very nicely penned Arkbear

    I found the form interesting and uniquely different. The poem had a very smooth and easy flow to it. very down to earth didn't avoid the norm of thing. Imagery was clearly well done. I found this to be an excellent write and enjoyed the read. I envy the ability to write with this kind of practiced ability, someday perhaps.
    Good job
    David


    • Arkbear gold member
      December 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Hey David ~

      Thanks for your time to review in depth, appreciate it ~



      Happy Holidays to you and yours,

      Bear ~


  • LadyDementia gold member
    December 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed this, it is a wonderful take on the prompt. The imagery it created is beautiful the words..
    soaked in jewels
    really stood out to me, very unique phrase. A brilliant poem all round, extremely well penned. Good luck in your contest with it


    • Arkbear gold member
      December 24, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Merry Christmas Pink ~

      Thanks so much for the sweet review......first one I read this morning ~



      I researched the Theme by Google, and all things, I came up with a poem from a Poet here on AP ~

      Truly inspired this write ~

      Well, off to begin reading entries for the POY.......sure you don't want to join us?



      God bless,

      Bear ~


  • HeavenScent4U
    December 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Again, welcome to round 2!

    Your prompt for this round is this title:

    'Conformity's Ball'

    You must use this as inspiration and make note of it in your AN. Thank you!

    No more than 20 lines and you have until the end on Dec. 31st to complete your entry. Best of luck to you! Be well and be blessed

1 - 19 of 19