I sink into you.
You sink into me fangs and claws and tentacles
the oak running through my spine cracking longwise
as God’s hand claps in thunder
and lightning bursts through nerve ends
consuming
annihilating.
My eyes rain,
leaves cover wounds, igniting, cauterizing, slashing,
moon slabs crash into transparent flesh
piercing tunnels side to side
followed by copper lianas sewing belly to belly,
shoulder to shoulder, thighs, brains,
birds dive into your gaping mouth
bringing back to mine pieces of your tongue
still singing your sighs.
It’s never over when it is over.
We spit blobs of sweat into the sun
watching transfixed erupting geysers transversing galaxies,
we spit bits of chewed skin into the moon
creating new craters, new mountains,
flowers growing for seconds long
until the fire geysers incinerate the carbon matter
to die as glowless ash in the oxigenless waste.
I help you pull up your underwear, hook your bra,
kiss your foot before putting the sandal on,
button your shirt.
You lock my belt,
close the last of my shirt’s buttons, kiss me.
The act is over.
No one believes the kid with a ten bucks telescope
rushing in with stories of sun flares and moon exploding dust.
Author notes
POY, love and lovers
A contest entry
- Poem of the Year ( POY) Round 1 of 2 by Arkbear.
5750 points, ended December 29, 2007, 33 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
Nice write.
Clarity: 10.0
Structure: 9.5
(rhyme & meter)
(line breaks & structure)
Grammar: 10.0
Punctuation: 10.0
Use of Language: 9.0
Poetic Value: 9.0
Uniqueness: 10.0
Impact: 10.0
Theme: 9.0
Title: 5.0
Total: 91.5
-
You so understate the act of love...
----------
-
This is so different than I can remember reading. I wasn’t sure I liked it to begin with, but with each subsequent reading I found more and more to admire. The imagery...the great ending, just to name a couple of things. Yes...there is a lot I feel could be polished to make it exceptional, but still a worthy entry in the POY.
I hope you’ll consider revisiting this poem and playing with line breaks, try to even out the flow and making for a better presentation. Your central metaphor is good...maybe try to carry it throughout the poem with some additional metaphors and/or similes. It reads very “prose-ish” with more filler words than I like to see, which subtract from the power of the “important” words.
Just some things to think about in any case. Good luck with this. I’m going to let my score speak the rest.
Best wishes,
~J.
-
Wow ~
I think this is one of the most inventive writes yet ~
There are so many areas which I did not like.....but there are so many more areas which wil score high on my list of criteria ~
You had me reading this 4 times and I still wanted to read it asgain ~
With an Impact like that, I think it shall do well in scoring ~
Please.....no editing at all, now that I have touched your work and reviewed it ~
You have 3 other Judges coming behind me, and they need to see your work as I have seen it ~
Merry Christmas, and god bless you and yours....
....now for your score..>>>
Bear ~
Title 9.85
Flow 9.2
Depth 9.55
Theme 9.6
Feelings 9.6
Grammar 9.3
Presentation 9.75
Uncommonness 9.4
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.55
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 95.8
Good job and good luck!
...hoping over to your other entry now :)
-
I think this is simply amazing!
Gold....in my book...( So far..still a lot of entries to come) Best wishes...
Write on!!!
*PEACE ON EARTH*
-
-
and i find your comment amazing...
thank you dear islekine, and Mele Kalikimaka! 
-
-
Just wonder why people don't want to comment poetry like this one. They just come and go...hmmm. Probably they are confused or they don't understand the beauty of your imagination and the deepness of your amazing poetical strength. This is much more than SF poetry. This is like a new Genesis of life, love and...of course, gorgeous poetry.
~Sonja~
-
-
do you think they may be embarrassed by the subject, lolol?... your “lack” of appreciative language more than compensates for any of this otherwise deserted page my dear sonja, thank you
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
