The sanctuary rests like a fallen apple--
bruised;
hidden away in the echoing silence
of cool stone walls,
and only the wind dares approach.
Even the sun wearies,
and bows its head
to pass through jeweled glass,
illuminating the dust...suspended in the ancient air;
resting on the simple pews.
There, where the wood sleeps,
in dreams of younger sunlight,
the caresses of a fierce wind,
and balmy gentle rain...
there, he writes
with a trembling hand;
his fingertips ink-stained,
clutching a bedraggled quill,
reminiscing...
like the hewn wood,
but his memories flicker
and fade.
With the pen's tremulous scratching,
his breath rasps.
His hair is thin and pale as
spider-silk;
his eyes--rheumy, bright as
bluebells;
his skin as thin as rice paper,
with a thousand creases
from a thousand folds.
Fighting sleep,
and the heady promises
of delicious rest--forever;
he wrestles with recollections.
Unwanted; forgotten...
he battles to catch slipping memories,
and then writes
to forget them.
Author notes
*POY*
Theme: Aging; loneliness; losing & preserving memories
Many thanks to all of the marvelous judges! :-)
A contest entry
- Poem of the Year ( POY) Round 1 of 2 by Arkbear.
5750 points, ended December 29, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Too many adjectives and cliche images. Adjectives tend to tell the reader what to think and feel rather than allowing them to find feelings in your words.
I hope you have another entry. Good luck. -
I’m really sorry Bear didn’t score this, but I’m happy to say...I’m going to!
I agree with Bear that this is much more “show” than “tell”. However, I love the use of concrete images to bring ideas across in poetry, compared to abstract words that leave soooo much room for personal interpretation. I’m not sure a lot of your descriptions add to the point or focus of the poem without a metaphor to go with them, and yet they set the stage so beautifully that I’m not anxious to say you should get rid of them. Do you need as much description as you have? Probably not. I think the “aha” moment at the end could come a stanza or maybe even two sooner. Hone down the adjectives a bit, pick and choose your images wisely, getting the most benefit from each word used. Be careful of any repeating words, “wood” for example in your 3d stanza. Make every word earn its place within the write, but hopefully without losing the big picture you‘ve painted of solitude.
Some additional poetic devices like alliteration (and don’t forget metaphor!) might be a great benefit to the poem also.
Generally, you have good use of punctuation. Watch the semi-colons though, remembering they need to join two complete but related sentences or thoughts.
I think you have a lovely tone, ridden with sadness and melancholy moments. All in all, it should score nicely on my scoreboard.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Thank you for judging and commenting, trista! I really appreciate the feedback & criticism. I almost can't wait for this contest to be over, now, so that I can use some of your suggestions (and fix those pesky semicolons).
Again, thanks for your comment, and for your hard work in judging all of these contests!
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Hey there....long time no see ~
Well....the first thing I will say.....is your *Show & Tell* are the bigest factors I see here ~
You have done such a wonderful job at presenting your Theme, but some of the words you chose.....mostly adjectives, were of no use to the POWER this write should have ~
I can see the Tone of this entry is one which should be hard for most Judges to critique as a poem, as so many struggle with yout Topic daily.......but I think this is going to be an entry of yours which I will pass on, ....for many reasons ~
I hope your next piece and I get along better hehe ~
....oh, and don't get me wrong, I liked this piece a lot, but I don't think it would have made it above 94 on the board....... :(
:)
Merry Christmas!
....and don't edit or remove, as you still have 3 other Judges whom may want to score this entry.....ya never know!
:)
Bear ~
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Thanks for the comment and critique. Now I know what to work on! I was actually pretty proud of this piece, until I realized what you're talking about--that'll show me, hmm?
Anyway, thanks for all of your time and for the amazing contest!
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Okay....so POY?
I do believe you may have it! This is absolutely wonderful.....and appropriate! Way to write (IMHO)
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Again, thank you for your lovely comment! It means a lot to hear that people like my poems. Not sure if it's POY-worthy after reading all of the other great entries, but thanks for your confidence!
Again, best wishes.
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