I would be your trumpeter
just so that you would look modest
oh so modest
and I would be your friend
to the end of the earth, through the apocalypse,
through the last of days
I would ensure your happiness forever
planting smiles on your face eternally
without seeds and watering cans
but is it love or IN love?
who's really to say
oh if only, if only,
there were some other way
I know that I love you
I'm quite sure you love me
but could we be lovers?
that's really the key
Author notes
Option 2 - cliche.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
"Meh, maybe later."
Be harsh people. Be harsher than you would normally feel comfortable with.
A contest entry
- * * * loving you forever ? * * * by The Hardest Goodbye.
450 points, ended December 28, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - If It Makes You Happy. by La Tua Cantante.
380 points, ended January 2, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 5 options for the creative poet (19) by bananasfoster42.
900 points, ended February 6, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Est-ce que ca te dit?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i really like the last two stanzas. and i firmly beleive that there's a difference between loving someone and being in love, so bravo on that!
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Enjoyed the third stanza very origional...can't say I enjoyed much else..bits and pieces here and there...first was alright...second could have been better..felt a bit too hrm..adolescent?..don't get me wrong..I enjoy mushy writes....but for some reason the write felt like questions posed by a teen encountering their first crush/love experience..I'm not one for telling another what to write, or how to write, and I feel bad being so critical...but I believe in honesty...so...over all the piece felt flat to me...a good start..with some tweeking it could be improved and turn out to be a very nice read.
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Good
Like your Shakespeare note
Okay let's see harsh...
Well first off the trumpeter is very original
line 10 is very cliche
last stanza the rhyme seems forced
line 5 and 6 redundant
its a great start just a little tweeking
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i would leave a decent comment
but i can't come up with anything inspiring to say.
<3 -
First of all, I'd like to say that I think this piece has great potential. But there are a few flaws.
Let me start for what I liked. I thought the title was fitting, and I absolutely loved the third stanza.
For what needs chaning--I don't think line 3 is necessary; it's just re-stating what line 2 said. The same thing with line 6; you mentioned "end of the earth" and "apocalypse" in line 5, so I don't think line 6 is necessary.
Like I said before, stanza 3 is mint, don't change a thing.
In line 10, I think there is a more creative way to stress "IN" love without capitalizing it like that. I see that you're aiming for contrasting love as a verb and love as a thing.
In the last stanza, you use the word "love" three times in three different lines. That's just bad form.
For the most part, this was a fun and inspiring read. If you want to take suggestions from me (although it's up to you), I'd try to steer away from re-stating what you've previously said or repeating words too often. That's one of the major problems that hinders this.
Anyway, I hope I wasn't too harsh. Like I said, this has potential. Keep up the good work, poet!
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Thank you for the insightful comments. They really do help.
I winced when you mentioned the last stanza being repetitive. In a lot of ways, it's just become part of my style. I'll try to keep it under check more. ^^
Thanks for the compliment on stanza three....I thought it was a gosh-darn good metaphor too.
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I love you, I am in love with you, I am your lover - a world of difference, three different states, on different sides of the world. You play with this nicely, thoughtfully and with great imagery. Good Luck!
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bravo
ah, in love with love...the lover's imaginary conversation with the beloved, eternal, indeed! nicely and soooo rooooomanticly done here.... bravo... bravo... bravo... -
poetry straining against the confinement of words
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Good point....I seem to flex my vocabulary bicep only during prose, if at all.
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I think if you're in love with someone every time you look at them for a certain but as of yet unscientifically defined time...then you love them.
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I really like this. It's very good indeed, and belies it's apparent simplicity. There is a mixing of interesting metaphors which could have been expanded upon more (trumpter, earth, seeds). I would develop them more and defined the stanza structure a bit more strictly, with some punctuation. Yeah I know it's boring but hey, I'm your audience!)
It feels like a work in progress which could be really lovely with very little work. I'll resist the temptation to suggest lines, but I will say the weakest line for me is the last. It feels like a cop out or that you couldn't think of what would tie it up perfectly. A better line here could change the impact of the whole piece completely.
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Do you really want my honest opinion? If you want me to be critical, I will, but I'm afraid I might be too harsh. I'll just keep it at that...
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Go ahead. Hit me with your best shot. I would appreciate a mixed review more.
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Amazing poem. It shows all of the insecurities whenever someone is trying to decide if they’re in love or not. It’s very sweet and the lines are promising. Most of us feel this at one time or another; you captured it with your words. My favorite part is:
“I would ensure your happiness forever
planting smiles on your face eternally
without seeds and watering cans”
This is truly a beautiful write.
Thank you and good luck in my contest.
-Dana.
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yeaaa, very sweet and fabulous!
good luck in my contest.
xo
kandy -
Ahhh sweet and cute an adorable poem..
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