I'm looking back at photographs
Of long ago when this begun
Living in a darkened day
Beneath a freezing sun
I'll tell you that I'm sorry
But now what good would it do?
I'm getting kind of worried
'Cause the sky's no longer blue
The pages in our chapter tore
Can we please write it just once more?
Let's leave out all the blood and gore
And shine on like we did before
I turn on lights and it gets dark
My ghost looks much less clear than I
The world now just isn't right
The birds can swim, but they can't fly
Was heaven ever underground?
Is hell now up above?
Was this ill and awkward feeling
Brought on by the one I love?
The summer's frozen solid
And the winter's flaming hot
We didn't hit the target
So let's take another shot
Our candle's out, our pages tore
Let's write our chapter just once more
We'll leave out all the blood and gore
And shine on like we did before
Let's never leave our love astray
I'm missing you in every way
Let's make all of this okay
So tell me now... What do you say?
Author notes
December 21, 2007.... Me and my girlfriend were having some problems... we were fighting a lot and we were on the verge of breaking up... I wrote this poem for her and how we should work things out and try it again.
A contest entry
- Anything goes really by Blood13Rayne.
390 points, ended December 26, 2007, 17 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Your Best- PW Allowed by With Colors We Fly.
375 points, ended December 27, 2007, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - VERY EASY 300 Points by Saosin.
396 points, ended January 28, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me emotion by Jenana.
1700 points, ended April 17, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
-
its a very nice write thank you so much for writing you are a very talented writer
-
Nice imagery
I like the way you have turned the world upside down. I love the lines: "I turn on lights and it gets dark," and "The birds can swim but they can't fly." Those are incredibly strong images and they speak to the inside out feelings that come with conflict between loved ones.
You express such a depth of emotion. I can feel your torn feelings -- all their rough edges and sharp points.
Thanks,
CaliOkie
-
i really love your poem thanks for sending me the message about it. loved it well see yeah some time.
-
This poem shows exactly how i felt when my boyfriedn dumped me! it really tugs at the heart strings LOVE IT well done
-
you do a lot telling and not so much showing, the rhyme was a little simple which did nothing to help your write, a few more adjective would make this a great write, it has a lot of potential.
Its a nice write but could use some editing
please return the favo
~Dark
-
wow that was really good.
i loved it :] -
Well penned...
I like the way you mixed the rhyme scheme!
Write on!
Think: PEACE
-
nice
the rhyming set a nice beat, good contrast, nice metaphors. for what the message is, its a good poem. nice job, keep it up.
-
wow, that was awesome. I love the comparisons of nature
-
this is nice.... i must admitt..... the paradox in the 1st verse is awesome
Living in a darkened day
Beneath a freezing sun
it kinda reminded me also of a Nickleback song: photgraphs...
its pretty personal n i hope u two get along, remember every relation has its ups n downs... so dont worry. if ur meant to be ur meant to be.
Our candle's out, our pages tore
Let's write our chapter just once more
We'll leave out all the blood and gore
And shine on like we did before
and this is where i found the link between the title n the poem.... i wouldn't change any part or any word in this piece... i loved it from top to toe though its not what iusually like to read,,, but good write...
PEACE
*********JOWELL********
-
wow, this was very personal and heartfelt poem. You kept a pretty solid flow throughout the whole thing and it was really obvious what the author was feeling. a beautiful piece.
-
very beautiful. hope you and your girlfriend work out your problems. eventually you guys will shine on just as you'd like
-
This made my eyes moist in that it moved me. It seemed like someone reflecting back on their life and wishing for another chance. The imagery that you used it exquisite; of everything being turned upside down, and all of what the poet thought she believed in being questioned and topsy-turvy.
"I turn on lights and it gets dark
My ghost looks much more clear than I
The world now just isn't right
The birds can swim, but they can't fly
Was heaven ever underground?
Is hell now up above?
Was this ill and awkward feeling
Brought on by the one I love?
The summer's frozen solid
And the winter's flaming hot
We didn't hit the target
So let's take another shot"
It can be interpreted from different circumstances and stages of life. That is what makes it an excellent poem, it is universal. I appreciate the invite to read this!
-
Very Thought Out! Incredibly put together!
I'm really not sure what to say as I'm speechless. It is causing me to stop and think really. At the same time I have had the same exact feeling. In fact, right now this is what I am feeling. My bf and my gf and a potential gf are all having some issues right now and I wish that they could see this poem because this is what I would like to do: START OVER AGAIN! Also as you write in your poem: "The pages in our chapter tore
Can we please write it just once more?
Let's leave out all the blood and gore
And shine on like we did before." Thank you so very much! I really need this poem right now. I think that it was very thought out and put together incredibly.
-
Woah!! "Was heaven ever underground?
Is hell now up above?
Was this ill and awkward feeling
Brought on by the one I love?" Deep stuff!! I thoguht that this piece had a certain sadness, and yet a spark of hope underneath. It was a good read!! Emotional, Real, and Powerful!! Write on!! Way to go!
-
Awesome write! You use great imagery and sensory details!
-
great!
I love this! I'ts very nice! The rhyme actually worked out very well! ANd I love the freezing sun and swimming birds and such. That is very creative and really gets the point across. Very descriptive! IS this in a contest as of now? Well good luck!! Thanks for sharing... do you mind if i bookmark it maybe?
~Madi~
-
-
Thank you for your kind words, and yes you may bookmark if you so desire.
-
-
very nice
i liked it a lot. i too have felt like everything was turned upside down and was confused about which way was up. life has a way of doing that to you sometimes... -
well dome i think you did a great job in putting emotion into it and projecting your thoughts and all you did good with the ryhme sceme but i think in rhyming it to a t you kinda sacrificed the flow at bit but it was still good! and remember poetry does not NOT have to ryhme
-
hmmm...this poem is simply bursting with emotional energy!I loved the attitude and the atmosphere!both structure and style are equally challanging!well done indeed!keep it up!
-
this was really cute
I honstly hope you and ur gf work things out
I had the same problem with my bf but if you just talk
it can make a difference.
-
hey this is pretty good
i like rhyme scheme but at times it gets a little tested
but good job finding all of those rhyming words!
=]
-
hey, i really enjoyed reading your poem! it was really good. i especially loved how you ended it with a question. great job! ♥
-
Was heaven ever underground?
Is hell now up above?
good questions..
great poem.. i like the flow...
The summer's frozen solid
And the winter's flaming hot
We didn't hit the target
So let's take another shot
i liked this part.. shows how confused i am about everything.....
good job.. keep writting..!
-
thats sweet and thoughful i wish my bf would do somin like that. great poem well done
-
I like this a lot. I love the sadness, flow, emotion and power of this. All of your emotions really pour through in this piece. Well done. I like it a lot.
Much respect
Wayne Leon
-
I love this poem, reminds me of a song i wrote about a year ago i never ended up preforming it but i might just dig it out now
-
i love it it should be a song i think anywy
-
bravo good lad bravo good! Hehehehe, poems are a great expression of love it was a good idea to mend your love with a poem, I really like the imagery in this poem ^_^ it was a fantastic write, Since it is only my mom and i living alone we have hardly enough money to survive so I'm afraid a poem is about the only thing i can give my girl for a xmas present, But I am making her a staff with i love you in the middle, carving the bark off a cedar branch and all the sticks n stubs on it, plus the white bark as i call it makes it as soft as it would be if you would have taken hours to sand it, you should try it.
-
-
uuhhhh..... "lad"?..... I'm a lesbian GIRL! lol... Anyways, that's a cute idea for your girlfriend's holiday gift. I hope she likes it!
-
-
Expressive, unique, and heartfelt, this... I liked it quite a bit, and was tempted to relate it to the state of the entire world while I was reading it. It's obviously not meant that way, but I couldn't help it. I think it's great that you're fighting to keep your relationship together, or to rekindle it. You'll find that it almost doesn't matter what you say towards that end, as long as you're always willing to say something (something positive).
-
i really like it
i hope everything
works out jus rite!!! -
i hope your girlfriend loves it, she should! this is very sweet, and interesting with all the opposites... you painted a world where things are clear, but clearly wrong. if that makes sense!
i think it could be improved by changing some of the rhymes and stuff, but its a poem from the heart so it needn't be changed at all.
great work!
-
very good and sweet and thanks for entering
-
Wow, This is all I can say. If someone wrote me a poem like this. I would absolutly adore it. I mean in a weird way, How it is all the opposite of how it is suppose to be... I enjoyed it. I liked how you did the opposite. It just made the poem even more attracting to me. I must say, good job on this and I wish you the best of luck.
-Beautiful -
This poem is so sweet. You did a really god job on it.
-
Kind of haunting in a way. Not a bad way though. It made me think of all the bad time I've gone through with the ones I love. I know how up-side-down and backwords things can feel. I think you do a great job expresing that.
I hope you get tons of comments.
Kaitlyn
-
its a really lovely poem.
i wish my boyfriend knew how to write poetry. love it
Adding your comment:
1 - 39 of 39
