The sky threatens winter weather,
but the ground is bare, and cold,
and just as flake-less as the dunes
that the desert wind blows
outside of your window.
Will your warmth ever thaw me?
You once held me as we danced
beneath a shower of snowflakes.
In that moment, I thought
I would never again know cold.
But the nights are so lonely.
And our bed is so empty
without you here. I can't adapt
to sleeping alone.
Last night I dreamed it was time
for you to come home.
Your unit crowded into hum-vees
eager to get to the airport
and the arms of loved ones.
An explosion drowned the banter
as the tires of your truck
lifted from the asphalt.
I watched you burn.
My grief pulled me from my sleep.
I ran my hand across the emptiness
where you should have been sleeping
and let my tears soak into your cold pillow.
Author notes
Username: pixxiepoetess
Real Name/Nickname: Gabby
Age: 26
How long have you been on AP: 1 1/2 years
Any published work (poetry): one poem, Babka, in The Chesapeake Reader
Favourite Genres/Categories: Possibly love, or just life generally
Favourite Forms: rictameter, I love to read sonnets, but suck at iambic pentameter
Freeverse or Rhyme: free verse
Personality: a little bit of everything, don't think I do anything to the extreme
Acceptance to others opinions: I love, love, love criticism, even if it's brutally honest and indicates that my poem is essentially rubbish
Inspiration to write (why do you write poetry): because I don't know what I would do if I didn't
Any other information you would like us to know: if I left anything out, just ask
In a list
A contest entry
- Pre-writes & Fresh Writes Welcome Here! by LadyUnique.
300 points, ended January 17, 2008, 65 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Ultimate Poet - Auditions by xxRainbowDawnxx.
300 points, ended March 24, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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A sad story that I hope springs from your imagination and not from your life. Thank you for your entry. Peace, Liz
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Oh. This is a very sad little poem that you have going on here. The worst part about it is that I'm sure a lot of people went through these kinds of feelings during the holidays and in general with the war and the seperation. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be to live with. I thought you did a good job of expressing that.
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good
You did a wonderful job of creating a strong emotional statement as your word choices arouse our emotions. This is composed with passion and wit...a deadly combination that says so much within so few words , yet the message rises above the words and is patently clear.
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i too have lost someone very special to me, and i asked much about what would come next...
incredible lines here:
But the nights are so lonely.
And our bed is so empty
without you here. I can't adapt
to sleeping alone.
Last night I dreamed it was time
for you to come home.
Your unit crowded into hum-vees
eager to get to the airport
and the arms of loved ones.
An explosion drowned the banter
as the tires of your truck
lifted from the asphalt.
I watched you burn.
if you witnessed such, my heart goes out to you
mike, aka jonathan wikkins -
Great One
I love the entire poem but the last stanza was amazing.
these lines are superb..'My grief pulled me from my sleep.
I ran my hand across the emptiness
where you should have been sleeping
and let my tears soak into your cold pillow.'
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..."you once held me as we danced
beneath a shower of snowflakes
in that moment, i thought
I would never again know cold"
if this stanza even had been all you had written, this would be nothing short of brilliant! As a whole...
Dramatic and very original when everything is put together!
take care pixxie.
~pithyAplomb.
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wow, what a punch in the gut this is. not at all what I expected from the title. very good
thank you for your entry and best of luck
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This is difficult to follow. Your other entry is stringer. Good luck.
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wow, full of great wording and emotion. And I'm sure it is a horrible nightmare from which too many are having to deal with.
Hard to say much more on this - other than it is very well done.
Best wishes in the contest and for the new year.
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Wonderful emotional story piece, this scene is lived by many in these dark days of war and uprising. Good luck in the contest. Bunny
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This is a difficult piece to even read more than once, and I think that says a lot for the amount of power and impact you’ve packed into each stanza, although I agree with Bear that the first half is not quite as powerful as the last. I have seen writes similar in theme, but you’ve done a great job of showing readers your perspective and connecting on a deeply emotional level. All very nicely done. Nice balance of show and tell also. I think this will score quite well on my scoreboard.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Very nice.
very beautifully written - I have no critique other than this was a great piece.
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The second comment of mine that AP deleted for this contest.... grr....
allow me to sum up everything I said, in one word:
dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyum
In a way, I can relate to the seperation... as the love of my life lives across the world, but this is different, and inherintly more painful....
I'm gonna get to the numbers... and this is hard for me....
* grammar - 9.8
* syntax/flow - 10
* understandability - 10
* uncommon theme - 10
* overall impression - 10
* effectiveness of title - 10
* ability to hook reader - 10
* ability to follow rules - 10
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.7
* effective use of poetic devices - 10
Total: 99.5
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Wow pixxie ~
This is a very powerful piece of work you have penned here ~
It moved me.....and it stirred something inside.....so since I am awestruck at this moment, let me think about this ~
Well.....you surely did a fine job at keeping my attention......yet I don't think the first part of your entry was as soul wrenching and grabbing as your last, but still the same, Power is thrown everywhere in this write ~
You really threw in some good punches here with Imagery, Impact and Thoughts ~
This is really not the Theme of poem one can critique, as you know what I am talking about......but I shall score it, as it deserves to be ~
The best to you Hun,
Uncle Bear ~
....oh, and the Title?.....A metaphoric masterpiece ~
:)
Title 10
Flow 9.7
Depth 10
Theme 9.95
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.95
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 9.4
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 99.0
An excellent score for an excellent entry ~
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OH my, oh my...no comment to this one. I am still confused and sad. Wish you a lot of luck.
~Sonja~
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Very well penned!
Best wishes in the contest!
*PEACE*
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