Buried in the nakedness of yearns and wants,
like ashes kept in a jar; love has not escaped.
In the unyielding severity of my afflictions, loneliness creeps;
day
by
day,
my thirst for passion becomes an ultimate obsession.
For many years...reflecting upon the empty cup of delusion
like in the garden of Eden, lusting of forbidden affection,
the famine of a broken spirit has never been more cruel.
Throughout the hell I endured, I've seen immortal tears...
Yet, in every smile; I harvest the flowers of humanity,
and with every step taken, I walk closer toward eternity.
In the garden where butterfly kisses on lilies and daisies;
I leisurely inhale the sweetness scent of purity, and
each breath I take cleanses away my uncertainties.
Where frozen avalanches crumble beneath my feet;
In the midst of the not-yet; revelation awaits me,
broken records no longer hum the gospel of my emptiness.
By Mackintoch
Author notes
"Earthquake! Duck!"
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Good but rambling
Reminds me of Dylan Thomas! Exec lent metaphore and similie, but could be better if you stuck to the point. Are you talking about love lost or spurned? How has your love hurt you? How have you or her gotten over this tragedy? Begin your poem with a certian point in mind and follow it through it through to a dramatic ending. This will make for a poem that will stay in others memory,a poem that will out last the ravages of time. -
You have excellent imaginary eithout force and this is a very nice style of writing your doing. For many years...reflecting upon the empty cup of delusion like in the garden of Eden, lusting of forbidden affection, the famine of a broken spirit has never been more cruel. I really like this paragraph, really excellent write. Thank you very much for sharing.
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There is surely a very good use of the metaphorical device within poetry - and that's along with some other poetic devices one of my pet peeves to find within a write.
The imagery is very good as well.
I can say that I enjoyed reading this.
Thank you for entering the contest!
Leander -
Your imagery is very good. The style/form you have used is creative without being forced which only adds to the appeal of this piece altogether. Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!
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I first looked on here cause i liked your name but then i read the poem and know i like your style. the decending letters and words are just well placed as if a drop of dew into a waitig pond. Beautiful write.
Stephanie -
Wow, got some great imagery here.. wow. keep it up. thank you -elena
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The imagery and power of this write is amazing.
You wrote a very beautiful piece, I especially loved the line : Broken records no longer hum the gospel of my emptiness.
Actually the entire write is my fav lol... hard to pick just one line as a favorite.
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This is incredible! Every well penned line drips with raw emotion. The imagery is abundant, leaving vivid images in the mind as we read. So many well turned phrases in this, as well, but this has to be my fav...
"...Broken records no longer hum the gospel of my emptiness...." Just WOW!! Your use of metaphor in this is outstanding, and this last line delivers just the right "punch" to leave it lingering in our minds. Well done, indeed! Brava!!
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hey
First off, thanks for entering! Secondly, this is a wonderful poem that expresses ver well, and I like the way you made some parts seem more stresssed then others. Thanks for entering! -
Excellent
I love how the work is broken by (for) lined down
and (day by day) lined down. I am drawn into the work engulfed by emotion. One small nit-delete first [tears] stanza 3.Strongest stanza 4.
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loved it
You've become my ultimate obsession, my thirst, you quenched.
Broken records no longer hum the gospel of my emptiness.
that was moving!!
thank you for sharing, I loved it
it flowed and was extreamly expressive
loved it
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like the broken heart that always cared
for many years...my eyes have seen tears,
wow it seems like your writing some amazing poems now
and i love the rhythm too and the rhyme
its so deep
and the way your feeling is the way i'm feeling
just 6 days more days aiight i'm so pissed though bcuz i'm in freakin Canada its so cold nd i always have to wear this boot nd jacket. I wuz wearin my sandels until i came outside i was lyke hell naw let me put back dat boot nd jacket lol. no fashion today shoot.... lol but it was funny wen u said how bfo u wus goin 2 Canada nd den wen i askd u r u goin u said "hell naw" i wuz tellin my sis she was lyke i'm tellin ya its too cold...lol it is foreal i need florida... nd don't worry bout dat boi cuz i can't c him nywayz i don't kno where da hell is Winsburn or Winstar...lol
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This is beautiful and the yearning for times past... the metaphores you use are absolutely awesome!
You've become my ultimate obsession, my thrist, you quenched.
Broken records no longer hum the gospel of my emptiness.
this was my fav stanza...
How we all have feelings like this about times past sometimes!
Great job!
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That was such an enjoyable
and smartly written poem! Many pearls of wisdom in
this poem that quietly speak too! You wrote this
very smartly done! So much richness and imagery to enjoy
in this poem! good job dear poet, good job!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
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This my friend is very
enchanting, full of rich metaphorical imagery.
Indeed you have captured the essence in this moment.
Ephiphany
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